Discussion Comfort at having your method in hand

[NickStanfield]

I saw that @realjunes received their SN and recognized that feeling of relief and almost exhilaration that comes from having your method of CTB at hand. It changes your perspective a lot when you have your tools in hand and the only thing between you and the bus is your timing and your decision to act. I've also got all the other ancillary items (anti-emetics, benzos, sleeping meds) and the other night I scored three Remeron 15mg (mirtazapine) tabs. They are a newer generation anti-depressant also used for insomnia. I took one with an Ambien and dropped out like a stone and slept for 12 hours without moving. I NEVER sleep more than 6 hours even with two Ambien and melatonin. I think that I've got my knockout cocktail on lock down now.

It's odd - I've got guns, access to high places, dozens of ways to hang myself, etc., but once I hit on "my method" and got it in hand and a plan pulled together an immense level of anxiety lifted.

Anyone else feel this? Even if you aren't immediately acting on it?

 

[mediocre]

yes since finding this forum and learning about SN I am a lot calmer. Before I was very panicky because I thought the only way was hanging or jumping both of which I knew I couldn't do. So I felt stuck.

I've also started taking mirtazapine and can attest to how strong it is. I never really had trouble sleeping but it can put me to sleep quicker...

 

[Moon Flower]

It makes things a lot easier for me knowing I have my out

 

[OreoWellington]

I am almost there, but not quite there yet. Just need the antiemetics, which I have already ordered and is being shipped. Just trying to be calm and allow the time to go by in the meantime.

 

[FML2019]

New user, what is SN. Seeing it in most threads.

 

[OreoWellington]

New user, what is SN. Seeing it in most threads.

SN is an acronym for Sodium Nitrite.

 

[Grandexit]

I'm sorta the opposite. My Sn is being shipped right now.... I'm really dreading it's arrival. Which is stupid because I can go get a shotgun from a sporting goods store in under an hour (I think). I don't want to die, but I really, really don't want to live. I don't know what I'm feeling to be honest.

 

[LegaliseIt!]

New user, what is SN. Seeing it in most threads.

https://sanctioned-suicide.net/threads/list-of-resources.3/

 

[nihilist_fool]

My methods before this site included (1) jumping off a bridge a few hours away and (2) loading up on alcohol and synthesising hydrogen cyanide.

I didn't realise how much more viable SN was as a poison, and how effective hanging was once a place was secured. The Night-Night method is perfect. It's comforting and freeing to know that if things truly go FUBAR there is an extremely easy and relatively painless way out.

 

[Malletboy]

My SN has been sitting on my dresser for about a week now and it has totally changed my outlook. I've let plenty of things roll right off my back knowing that none of this will matter in the coming days. Knowing I'll CTB soon has been such a joy for me.

 

[Lotus1818]

I thought it would give me ease of mind. And at first it did. But now it's just an empty feeling. I have my SN and metos. But I just can't believe that this stuff can actually kill me. I'm not saying it isn't potent. But just personally it seems unreal that it could be this easy.

Because I have to wait a while to ctb. I don't feel like I have the control I want over life.

 

[Reyki6667]

Same, once i received my 5g of h, my body finally relaxed a bit, the first time in a decade.
And for the first time too during almost 2 decades, i felt genuineluy joyful and euphoric somehow (without consuming any ofc), knowing that i can die at any moment of my choosing.

 

[NitriteAnatomy]

Felt it, once my SN arrived and I verified it's the real deal. Just waiting for when it feels right, to me. Sucks, because I want to go right this moment, as I write this, but for some fucking reason, I can't. It just doesn't feel right, yet. It's a whole new hell in itself, at least for myself, because I want to see my son again. I don't want to be here, I don't want to be seen as I've been all my life, weak, pathetic and useless. But, still fucking here.

I digress, I received my SN and feel better having control over the when, now.

Edited due to being a drunken moron that can't spell or punctuate.

 

[TimeToBiteTheDust]

Yes, it's comfortable. I have everything for my method (SN, meto, ibu) I only have to set a date next year and that's all. Hope it works. I can say that I live differently (from to point of view of my mind) knowing that I have my way out there at home. But I have to set a date, I don't want to be impulsive. I want to make peace with death, overcome fear and do some things that I have left before going.

 

[NickStanfield]

I'm sorta the opposite. My Sn is being shipped right now.... I'm really dreading it's arrival. Which is stupid because I can go get a shotgun from a sporting goods store in under an hour (I think). I don't want to die, but I really, really don't want to live. I don't know what I'm feeling to be honest.

I understand that. I feel that way too at times.

I thought it would give me ease of mind. And at first it did. But now it's just an empty feeling. I have my SN and metos. But I just can't believe that this stuff can actually kill me. I'm not saying it isn't potent. But just personally it seems unreal that it could be this easy.

Because I have to wait a while to ctb. I don't feel like I have the control I want over life.

I feel that lack of control all the time. I tell myself "I can't do any more than I can do or am doing" and "do one thing today and don't let the rest overwhelm me". It helps sometimes.

 

[FML2019]

I carry a noose set up for suspension hanging pretty much everywhere I go. It gives me incredible solace that I can ctb whenever I'm ready. I'm just trying to get all my final affairs setup before my day.

 

[FrowningInsidd]

Comfortable knowing that I can CTB at any time but it's like deep down inside I know I cannot bring myself to do it. It's a relief and also a weird sense of dread.

 

[Green Destiny]

The thing is I wan't this luxury very badly but I have no access to any form of CTB methods. Can't buy SN because i'm always under watch of my mother and she'd definitely find out one way or another and she'd prod and ask questions about why I bought it. Need to bide my time for now.

 

[Mr2005]

I saw that @realjunes received their SN and recognized that feeling of relief and almost exhilaration that comes from having your method of CTB at hand. It changes your perspective a lot when you have your tools in hand and the only thing between you and the bus is your timing and your decision to act. I've also got all the other ancillary items (anti-emetics, benzos, sleeping meds) and the other night I scored three Remeron 15mg (mirtazapine) tabs. They are a newer generation anti-depressant also used for insomnia. I took one with an Ambien and dropped out like a stone and slept for 12 hours without moving. I NEVER sleep more than 6 hours even with two Ambien and melatonin. I think that I've got my knockout cocktail on lock down now.

It's odd - I've got guns, access to high places, dozens of ways to hang myself, etc., but once I hit on "my method" and got it in hand and a plan pulled together an immense level of anxiety lifted.

Anyone else feel this? Even if you aren't immediately acting on it?

This is all I've wanted for a long time. In keeping with tradition it's taken me over a year but I've just ordered SN. Don't know if it's really my ideal method I'd probably take the gun as it's so quick but it's better than nothing. If I feel I can use it if I want/need to then there's a chance things could get better. Only a small one mind as I really backed myself into a corner

 

[MaybeMaybeKnot]

I felt like that when I got prescribed propranolol, then again when my SN arrived. I had a stash of Zofran that used to give me peace, also.

 

[Brick In The Wall]

I saw that @realjunes received their SN and recognized that feeling of relief and almost exhilaration that comes from having your method of CTB at hand. It changes your perspective a lot when you have your tools in hand and the only thing between you and the bus is your timing and your decision to act. I've also got all the other ancillary items (anti-emetics, benzos, sleeping meds) and the other night I scored three Remeron 15mg (mirtazapine) tabs. They are a newer generation anti-depressant also used for insomnia. I took one with an Ambien and dropped out like a stone and slept for 12 hours without moving. I NEVER sleep more than 6 hours even with two Ambien and melatonin. I think that I've got my knockout cocktail on lock down now.

It's odd - I've got guns, access to high places, dozens of ways to hang myself, etc., but once I hit on "my method" and got it in hand and a plan pulled together an immense level of anxiety lifted.

Anyone else feel this? Even if you aren't immediately acting on it?

It's nice having multiple methods as options. But you hit a note with the whole having "my" method thing. There isn't a day that goes by when I don't think about having it at hand. It's especially helpful to know it's there when you're in stressful situations.

 

[Sensei]

I definitely find comfort in having found "my" method and having the necessary tools at my disposal. To use an analogy, it's easier to stay calm in a burning building if you know that there at least is one exit that isn't blocked.

 

[Jeannine]

I have my method at hand. Though it is comforting I still have to do more planning and I'm afraid I'll do it impulsively, on a substance or not, and fail.

 

[Moonicide]

Like many others here... I also have my method at hand and it's been so liberating to have that option now. I feel much more lighter. Am I suffering? Yes. Am I hurting? Yes. But I ultimately get to decide when I end it. That's the beautiful part of ctb. I am so grateful for this community, because if it wasn't for the resources I would have probably kept on feeling trapped and chained to life. Thank you for that. I've met so many kind souls here, it's my safe place.

 

[PrincessInWhite]

Are you in the US, if you don't mind my asking? Ordered my SN yesterday but scared to order the Meto in case I get in legal trouble. Willing to take the risk it's seized by customs, not wiling to take the risk of them showing up on my doorstep or incurring any sort of legal record.

 

[JustVisiting]

absolutely 100%