violetforever
Experienced
- Dec 24, 2025
- 235
it's literally been one day of attending one class so keep that in mind while reading my likely impulsive thoughts.
i'm actually not as socially anxious and awkward as i expected? when i'm nervous to do something i visibly shake and feel doom all over my body. i didn't feel that way at all when walking to class or being there. i was actually looking forward to it and felt good about it when leaving. i even said hi first to somebody who got to the door the same time as me. i sat at what i thought was an empty table until i noticed someone had a seat pulled out. it was an older man and he ended up moving seats when he came back lol. i didn't mind having a table to myself. my teacher put us into groups and made us move seats at 2 tables. my group was full of boys so they all sat at 1 table and i sat at the other empty table by myself. i'm a quiet loner per usual but i like it
i hate icebreakers. especially as adults, it's so unnecessary. my teacher made us do those and while everyone turned to talk to the person next to them, i just aimlessly sat alone at my table until someone initiated. i spoke with people like a normal person with normal eye contact and a girl even complimented me. it seriously went better than i imagined. why am i so often shy and awkward in public but in class it was fine? oh and my teacher is great.
the online part of the class though…some people wrote stuff on the discussion board that looked like some of the vents i see on this forum. some of the same stuff i write about on here too. i guess we kind of have to open up for the subject of the class but it only fed into how pointless i see life. it was just weird to read almost suicidal like thoughts in a school setting. that doesn't exactly excite me to further my education (but i will). i wonder if any of my classmates are suicidal based on what they wrote. i swear the majority of people are unhappy or mentally ill. maybe it's just me that's weak and overthinks things until i'm suicidal and my classmates are normal and can live through it. i can't think up any profound reason for which life is worth living. am i happy or am i distracted? am i sad or am i logical? i feel like different sides of my brain take turns switching on and off and i don't know which one is me thinking straight. how will i ever decide to really ctb or not?
i'm actually not as socially anxious and awkward as i expected? when i'm nervous to do something i visibly shake and feel doom all over my body. i didn't feel that way at all when walking to class or being there. i was actually looking forward to it and felt good about it when leaving. i even said hi first to somebody who got to the door the same time as me. i sat at what i thought was an empty table until i noticed someone had a seat pulled out. it was an older man and he ended up moving seats when he came back lol. i didn't mind having a table to myself. my teacher put us into groups and made us move seats at 2 tables. my group was full of boys so they all sat at 1 table and i sat at the other empty table by myself. i'm a quiet loner per usual but i like it
i hate icebreakers. especially as adults, it's so unnecessary. my teacher made us do those and while everyone turned to talk to the person next to them, i just aimlessly sat alone at my table until someone initiated. i spoke with people like a normal person with normal eye contact and a girl even complimented me. it seriously went better than i imagined. why am i so often shy and awkward in public but in class it was fine? oh and my teacher is great.the online part of the class though…some people wrote stuff on the discussion board that looked like some of the vents i see on this forum. some of the same stuff i write about on here too. i guess we kind of have to open up for the subject of the class but it only fed into how pointless i see life. it was just weird to read almost suicidal like thoughts in a school setting. that doesn't exactly excite me to further my education (but i will). i wonder if any of my classmates are suicidal based on what they wrote. i swear the majority of people are unhappy or mentally ill. maybe it's just me that's weak and overthinks things until i'm suicidal and my classmates are normal and can live through it. i can't think up any profound reason for which life is worth living. am i happy or am i distracted? am i sad or am i logical? i feel like different sides of my brain take turns switching on and off and i don't know which one is me thinking straight. how will i ever decide to really ctb or not?
