Today I was at college. At the end I was with my two closest friends together for a while and I got a very good news about something college related. My mood was pretty good in this moment. Though then once again I realized it is all fake. The only thing that is great about the good news is that my shitty life is a little bit less awful. It still sucks and I still hate it so much. There is a major difference in quality of life between the time during the semester and holidays. But I am still suicidal during the holidays because college does not really solve my problems.
Always when I am at college I have to hide that fact. I am pretty sure I cannot work. I would say I am 85% sure but it is hard to measure it. I have a GPA close to perfection and it is just worthless. It is the result of a weird mix of extreme OCD/perfectionism, taking addictive medication that alleviate the insane anxiety (but I also need them to stay stable) and working like a complete moron while only studying part-time. I have to be prepared for the exam really absolutely close to perfection. Otherwise the anxiety cannot be stomached by my psyche. It is just too much. I almost got a psychosis the last semester because of that. The process is very interesting on an anaytical and psychological level. One could simply think well just don't do anything like all the other students. But my mind cannot handle that. My fears are way too huge. I have to hit the sweet spot between preparation and resting. In the end I almost always do too much and the only thing that prevents a relapse is the addictive medication. I am pretty good at dodging addiction. I have to say I took 3 half benzos during the last 3 days and well the benzos can give an amazing feeling. Having manic symptoms while being on benzos is amazing. Though gladly I don't value life quality that much. Lol. Other people in my bipolar group have a desire for a manic episode. Well another manic episode could be the best time of my life. Though I despise manias. The consequences are longterm extremely bad. Extreme pain and depression and I plan to kill myself after the next relapse. So longterm a manic episode is totally counterproductive. I really started to hate manic symptoms and this forum helps me to remind me of the deadly consequences if I give myself away to these feelings.
My impulse control is very high. I think it has good utility to dodge addiction. I have successfully reached some goals with that. Like excessively losing weight. Like getting a GPA of 3.9. But I am not happy at all. My obsessions are way more important to me. I don't have a good relation to myself. I am very harsh on myself and the pressure I am doing to myself is inhuman.
Many people in college are impressed by my knowledge and conscientiousness. Others probably also dislike that. Barely anyone knows I am only studying part-time. I feel so much of a fucking impostor because of that. Otherwise my grades would be way worse. However my conditions also make studying sometimes pretty hard.
I think so much about a girl in college. I barely know her. I think I am projecting a lot into her. If I knew her better my interest might vanish pretty fast. I was slightly psychotic the first time we spoke to each other this is why she probably questions my sanity. I mean I think I could randomly talk to other women at college and I had a better chance in like 98% of all cases compared to her. Currently I try to improve my outer appearance but it feels so shallow to me. Who cares about that shit? it gives me some self-esteem but as long as my brain is too ill to have long conversations with interesting women it is all worthless. I am way too needy and my desire for a partner is totally counterproductive.
This kamikaze attempt with the addictive medication might will have to stop one day. My psychiatrist is retiring in some years and I think barely any psychiatrist would support this approach. But it is the only option to study without developing a manic epsiode. I am pretty scared that no other therapist will support that.
I was feeling good with my friends at college. I believed the facade that I am showing for some moments myself. But I am a wreck with barely any future prospects. I hate myself and I am very lonely. I hate the pressure that I am doing to myself but I don't see any other escape for me than to kill myself eventually. On the surface everything seems fine but I am only acting.
Always when I am at college I have to hide that fact. I am pretty sure I cannot work. I would say I am 85% sure but it is hard to measure it. I have a GPA close to perfection and it is just worthless. It is the result of a weird mix of extreme OCD/perfectionism, taking addictive medication that alleviate the insane anxiety (but I also need them to stay stable) and working like a complete moron while only studying part-time. I have to be prepared for the exam really absolutely close to perfection. Otherwise the anxiety cannot be stomached by my psyche. It is just too much. I almost got a psychosis the last semester because of that. The process is very interesting on an anaytical and psychological level. One could simply think well just don't do anything like all the other students. But my mind cannot handle that. My fears are way too huge. I have to hit the sweet spot between preparation and resting. In the end I almost always do too much and the only thing that prevents a relapse is the addictive medication. I am pretty good at dodging addiction. I have to say I took 3 half benzos during the last 3 days and well the benzos can give an amazing feeling. Having manic symptoms while being on benzos is amazing. Though gladly I don't value life quality that much. Lol. Other people in my bipolar group have a desire for a manic episode. Well another manic episode could be the best time of my life. Though I despise manias. The consequences are longterm extremely bad. Extreme pain and depression and I plan to kill myself after the next relapse. So longterm a manic episode is totally counterproductive. I really started to hate manic symptoms and this forum helps me to remind me of the deadly consequences if I give myself away to these feelings.
My impulse control is very high. I think it has good utility to dodge addiction. I have successfully reached some goals with that. Like excessively losing weight. Like getting a GPA of 3.9. But I am not happy at all. My obsessions are way more important to me. I don't have a good relation to myself. I am very harsh on myself and the pressure I am doing to myself is inhuman.
Many people in college are impressed by my knowledge and conscientiousness. Others probably also dislike that. Barely anyone knows I am only studying part-time. I feel so much of a fucking impostor because of that. Otherwise my grades would be way worse. However my conditions also make studying sometimes pretty hard.
I think so much about a girl in college. I barely know her. I think I am projecting a lot into her. If I knew her better my interest might vanish pretty fast. I was slightly psychotic the first time we spoke to each other this is why she probably questions my sanity. I mean I think I could randomly talk to other women at college and I had a better chance in like 98% of all cases compared to her. Currently I try to improve my outer appearance but it feels so shallow to me. Who cares about that shit? it gives me some self-esteem but as long as my brain is too ill to have long conversations with interesting women it is all worthless. I am way too needy and my desire for a partner is totally counterproductive.
This kamikaze attempt with the addictive medication might will have to stop one day. My psychiatrist is retiring in some years and I think barely any psychiatrist would support this approach. But it is the only option to study without developing a manic epsiode. I am pretty scared that no other therapist will support that.
I was feeling good with my friends at college. I believed the facade that I am showing for some moments myself. But I am a wreck with barely any future prospects. I hate myself and I am very lonely. I hate the pressure that I am doing to myself but I don't see any other escape for me than to kill myself eventually. On the surface everything seems fine but I am only acting.
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