Venting co-dependency and suicide. some of my thoughts for the future.

[carmechanicer_keke]

I am in a really bad place right now and i just need to talk about this. Late 2022, late october, I met someone. Life was really depressing at the time and I was planning on CTB in november. But after i met this person, life got better. I really liked them, even if we were just texting all the time, it was nice. For the first months, it was really good, but with time, my mental illness drove them away, i believe. Either that or they got bored. They became more distant, which was fine, as long as they didn't leave, i told myself. While i was talking with this person, i put everything into it. I ignored my other friends and my studies to focus more on this relationship. My family and friends were always complaining about me spending too much time on my phone, but i didn't care. This ultimately resulted into me losing multiple relationships and being co-dependent on one person. I had no motivation to do anything but talk to them. My mood was completely depended on theirs. And when they became more distant I fell into old addictions such as drinking and self harming. I didn't care about anyone, but them and while that is extremely selfish, i didn't care. I did a lot of things that i don't want to be excused by my mental illness, but if i was healthy mentally, none of that would've happened. Now that me and that person stopped talking, I don't know what to do with my life. There's nothing I look foward too and i really really really want to die. I tried writing, drawing, doing things I enjoy and even making new friends, but nothing worked. Only people that remind me of that one person seem to be on my liking and i get extremely disappointed when they do something that makes me realize that they aren't that person. After this person left, i made multiple scenarios and plans where we would meet again. It's very stupid, but it made me look foward to the future. The relationship was just an unheatlthy obsession and I'm aware of that. But whatever I do, I can't seem to move on. And now, since i know that they plan on killing themselves in just a few hours, i believe. With them gone, there's really nothing I would live for.
I know this all sounds like I was just extremely obsessed and didn't care about them, but I truly liked them. I liked learning about them and listening to them and I really really would've done anything for them. I do believe my unidentified mental illness played a huge part in what drove them away. I just wish to die and meet them in another life. I do believe that no one deserves to have someone be co-dependent on them. Imagine dealing with your own issues and mental problems and then someone is really dependent on you and you also have to be responsible for their feelings.
I gave up on life way before meeting them, but what happened with this person was like giving a homeless person a house and then kicking them out after a while. So now i find myself planning to CTB once again. I really have no one and it's my fault for ruinning my own life. If i could tell them anything it would be sorry, however, it wouldn't do much. I never dealt with guilt for wanting to die, guilt for leaving my family behind to deal with losing me and I'm not sure if that makes me a bad person. I always felt detacthed from the world, somehow, not being able to feel things properly so maybe thats why.
I tried getting help before, but it didn't work. So, if I'm thankful for anything, it's the fact that this person indirectly told me about SanctionedSuicide. I hope to finish something i have to do before dying, one last thing and then CTB by the end of the year.

 

[FuneralCry]

It must be really dreadful having to suffer like that, but anyway best wishes, I hope that you eventually find the freedom you search for.