Venting close to my ctb date & having doubts

[notgettingyounger]

I've been planning to ctb tomorrow night and the closer the time I picked gets the more unsure I become. I've been suicidal for the last eight years, I'm permanently disabled, my anxiety and depression are so debilitating, I know my life isn't going to get better, these things wont change, so I know I need to just do it and be done with it all, but oh God I'm suddenly so scared. I do have good things in life-- I have a boyfriend and friends I love so so so much and they do make me happy, but I have so many things I am so afraid of I feel like Im backed into a corner and I have no choice but to die. Sometimes it feels less like I'm suicidal and more like I have a terminal illness that I can't escape. I don't even want to die I feel like I have to. I don't know what to do.

 

[CatLvr]

Here's the thing -- there is no "proper" timetable for these things. If you DON'T do it tomorrow night is the world gonna somehow be worse off than it is now?? No, of course not.

But it is clear from your post that you do have people you care about and so it's safe to presume they care about you also. Will their world be worse?? Most assuredly. None of what we do happens in a vacuum. We do affect those we love, whether we want to or not.

You are putting too much pressure on yourself. If you are uncomfortable about leaving for ANY reason, then you are not ready to leave. Give yourself some grace and stop and think about why you may "need" to stay. There is no rush. You might even wind up like me and find yourself in a recovery. (I had several attempts under my belt before I found SaSu. My research and interacting with members here caused me to realize I had unfinished business -- things I needed to take care of before leaving. THEÑ I found I was less suicidal ... And trust me, no one was more surprised than I was to find that maybe I wasn't quite done here after all. )

My advice would be to take a step back, a deep breath and re-evaluate where you are. You can always CTB day after tomorrow if you think you need to ... (And again, give yourself all the grace you have and then add a little more to it. You are worthy of that.)

 

[kufajoy]

Hey maybe don't predict future for too long ? Think about predicting next month? Question yourself will I be able live a good life until next month ? If you can then enjoy your life ;)

Life really doesn't go the way we want. It always changes. Sometimes those changes are good or bad ;)
And I think you are not done yet. Just try to relax a little and don't give yourself much pressure please?

 

[amor.dor]

Far from me telling you what's best for you, but I believe you shouldn't CTB. There's absolutely no problem in putting it off for later. If you feel this conflict, it speaks volumes that there are still things you need to do in your life. It may seem like there are no solutions to certain things, but with time, a lot will become clearer for you. Take care (I found your pfp very funny)

 

[SufferingDev]

Judging by what you said - suicide is not good for you. There are two truths nobody seems have told you:

1. Life is not good stuff with bad moments - life is bad sfuff with good moments. That is what you have to agree on or not.
2. Golden rule: You can always CTB - but can never un-CTB. Be aware of that and make your final decisions wisely.