Close friend made me unable to ctb and I find kinda funny

[carfemtanyl]

First of all, what I will tell you might sound a bit fucked up to some but please don't say anything mean about the person.

A very close friend of mine has tried to ctb in the past and is also in a deep depression to the point that they don't really care about anything anymore which makes it kinda hard to argue to them that their situation is very much fixable
(they don't actively plan something right now btw)
I recently told them that I sometimes still think about doing it even though one of my main reasons is gone and they basically told me that they will try to ctb again if I'm gone because our shared friends will be too occupied with my passing that so that my friend will use that opportunity to isolate and do it
I really really like my close friend and I don't want them to do it so I am basically forced to stay because I would never do something that results in them dying in any way.
I also cannot die in a freak accident or make it look like an accident since that would result in the same outcome.

I am not sure if they would 100% do it if I died but it's actually a genius way to keep me here and I find it kinda funny even though this could be considered a bit abusive given the whole "I will kill myself if you do XYZ" construction

I cannot share this with any of my other friends since they don't know that my close friend has those problems and I promised to not tell anyone from our friend group about those problems so you get to hear it

I don't know if I myself will care enough about them if I am in a deep hole again but in my current state, this is probably by far the most effective way to make me not ctb (it would also be silly for me to ctb since I kinda fixed my life)

 

[callousedhope]

It's hard to think our suffering could really be that impactful to others to drive them to such extremes. In a way, I'm happy for you. Hang in there.

 

[NihilDoll]

Eh, i don't think it's abusive at all. You both know that you're suicidal.
It would be more messed up if it were used to pressure you into something, but a suicidal person just told you how it is: If you're gone, they'll follow :D
So in a way, you both are keeping each other around, which is quite beautiful in its own right :3

 

[Aflame5926]

or you can just go together XD.
glad you can laugh about it. but you fixed your life???????

damn bruh which medicine did you toke?

seriously well meant. i guess the bus has a leftover spot now

 

[carfemtanyl]

or you can just go together XD.
glad you can laugh about it. but you fixed your life???????

damn bruh which medicine did you toke?

seriously well meant. i guess the bus has a leftover spot now

well I definitely have feelings for the other person (which they know) but they don't care about anything enough to be able to have a relationship so it's kinda off the table (the only relationship they ever had ended in their attempt)

as for the fixing part, I am trans and I finally acquired HRT so I finally have some perspective for the future
not a big one but it's definitely easier to look positively into the future if you have a perspective of how things might get better

 

[NihilDoll]

To an outsider, it does sound like they at least care enough about you that if you were gone, they'd immediately follow.
You live together and you'd die together. You're sticking together one way or another.
Again, to an outsider, this definitely sounds like a "never say never" situation :D

 

[carfemtanyl]

well they said it's not because I am dead but because they have the opportunity then but the fact that they told me instead of just not telling me and using the opportunity if it arises tells me that they actually care about me at least a bit (which is huge given their general lack of caring about anything really)