cipher
Member
- May 18, 2026
- 6
i don't usually write stuff like this but thanks in advance for your time if you decide to read
where to start... well, i think most people in my life would believe i have my shit together. they see someone who got hired into their dream job right out of uni, someone who works on big projects, someone who got a promotion last year. each successful show of competence makes it harder for anyone to imagine that there's a cost behind it because the only things they see are results.
if there's anything nice to say about myself i think i've been pretty good at producing outcomes: a decent career, "talent," social connection, opportunities, future potential. on paper, these are great. one could maybe even consider them reasons to continue. they aren't really anchors to me so much as they are structures that i have to actively maintain as if to broadcast, "look at how fine i am! everything is going well! i have so many things to live for!" but inside i'm just... i'm tired, man. i'm tired of never being able to mess up without being humiliated because people always expect a certain degree of proficiency from me. i'm tired of having to keep up appearances all the time. i'm tired of crying every day because of my shitty home life that no one knows about. i'm tired of my loved ones treating me like their free therapist and endless source of validation because i don't look like someone that also needs support.
the framework i operate under seems to be that if i can keep functioning then it becomes easier to internalize thoughts like "this is manageable" or "i can tolerate this" no matter how difficult things become. that mindset has gotten me through a lot of hardships. however, at the same time, the threshold for whatever counts as "bad enough to warrant seeking help" kept moving up. so at this rate nothing will ever be "bad enough" and the idea of "help" is so abstract that entertaining the thought feels pointless. one seeks treatment or recovery because some part of them trusts in a version of themselves that is worth carrying forward into the future or something, right? but why go through the long and uncertain process of that when the alternative is the immediate relief of finally being able to stop?
these days when people talk about "the future" around me it's like they're speaking a foreign language i barely understand. i can still project myself into future events for the sake of keeping up social niceties ("yeah we should do that sometime") despite not seeing myself actually inhabiting them. i mean, being included implies that people imagine me as a living point of continuity in their world, and i can't fault them for believing that. perhaps i should be grateful to be considered in such a way, but i think there's something really lonely about the mismatch between external assumptions and what i've already determined for myself internally - like i've detached from my own future and am instead watching it pan out from a distance as if it belongs to someone else. i wonder if anyone else can relate
sorry for rambling. i was stupid enough to have failed partial suspension twice in the past, so i'm going to scout out a bridge soon. the main goal is to see what the conditions are like in person (or i might do something else lmao who knows). either way, i hope the city continued to be negligent about putting up barriers. i've been going through it alone for so long and my scouting trip now being "later today" instead of "someday" is so scary that i guess i wanted some company for once since i can't talk to anyone irl about it. i'm sorry. wish me luck
where to start... well, i think most people in my life would believe i have my shit together. they see someone who got hired into their dream job right out of uni, someone who works on big projects, someone who got a promotion last year. each successful show of competence makes it harder for anyone to imagine that there's a cost behind it because the only things they see are results.
if there's anything nice to say about myself i think i've been pretty good at producing outcomes: a decent career, "talent," social connection, opportunities, future potential. on paper, these are great. one could maybe even consider them reasons to continue. they aren't really anchors to me so much as they are structures that i have to actively maintain as if to broadcast, "look at how fine i am! everything is going well! i have so many things to live for!" but inside i'm just... i'm tired, man. i'm tired of never being able to mess up without being humiliated because people always expect a certain degree of proficiency from me. i'm tired of having to keep up appearances all the time. i'm tired of crying every day because of my shitty home life that no one knows about. i'm tired of my loved ones treating me like their free therapist and endless source of validation because i don't look like someone that also needs support.
the framework i operate under seems to be that if i can keep functioning then it becomes easier to internalize thoughts like "this is manageable" or "i can tolerate this" no matter how difficult things become. that mindset has gotten me through a lot of hardships. however, at the same time, the threshold for whatever counts as "bad enough to warrant seeking help" kept moving up. so at this rate nothing will ever be "bad enough" and the idea of "help" is so abstract that entertaining the thought feels pointless. one seeks treatment or recovery because some part of them trusts in a version of themselves that is worth carrying forward into the future or something, right? but why go through the long and uncertain process of that when the alternative is the immediate relief of finally being able to stop?
these days when people talk about "the future" around me it's like they're speaking a foreign language i barely understand. i can still project myself into future events for the sake of keeping up social niceties ("yeah we should do that sometime") despite not seeing myself actually inhabiting them. i mean, being included implies that people imagine me as a living point of continuity in their world, and i can't fault them for believing that. perhaps i should be grateful to be considered in such a way, but i think there's something really lonely about the mismatch between external assumptions and what i've already determined for myself internally - like i've detached from my own future and am instead watching it pan out from a distance as if it belongs to someone else. i wonder if anyone else can relate
sorry for rambling. i was stupid enough to have failed partial suspension twice in the past, so i'm going to scout out a bridge soon. the main goal is to see what the conditions are like in person (or i might do something else lmao who knows). either way, i hope the city continued to be negligent about putting up barriers. i've been going through it alone for so long and my scouting trip now being "later today" instead of "someday" is so scary that i guess i wanted some company for once since i can't talk to anyone irl about it. i'm sorry. wish me luck
