I feel like I have already died in a way, it is painful living an empty existence. Of course ctb is very difficult, after all we are programmed to survive even know we want to die, and we are denied a peaceful exit, but at the same time, this life is a nightmare. It is a hopeless feeling when there is no escape from the suffering. I just know I will get desperate enough eventually and only then I will be free. It is frustrating how we were forced to exist and we have to endure the horrors of this life.