Venting caved and remade account/grief is all consuming

[diosadysiareborn]

i was on the site before and deactivated to try and "recover" and maybe live a life worth living. life has only gotten worse. i have no real friends, family, or anyone at this point. people love the idea of me but lack the capability to handle me at my worst (seems like all i have is my worst) even when i tell them they don't have to fix me i just want them to stand by me. i lost the only love i wanted and can't seem to get over it. i feel things COULD work out, but i'm sitting in my group home (been in them since 16, only was at my mom's one more time at age 19 for a few months then kicked out again) after the fire alarm went off again and there's punching and screaming and constant filth (my floormates don't clean) and anger and misery. the company it's thru has ruined my life for the past almost 4 years. like ruined me worse than my family.

i am unable to be loved truly, move past my trauma, function in relationships, live a life worth it to me. LOVE is worth it to me. and when no one loves you especially how you need to be, and all you do is meet people where they are which is the bare minimum or worse, what's the point. i love so deeply, truly, and in a considerate way that no one will ever seemingly match that consideration for me.

i'm tired of talking. tired of hearing my own thoughts and other people's voices and being everything to everyone yet nothing to nobody. i don't have a job or much money or resources to escape (live in the US which is on a grand decline). people are threatening me and want to do harm to me over my refusal to give them access to me or over stupid shit like this girl who threatened me over her bf that was a rebound and he lied saying he would never be with someone like me. HE WAS A REBOUND and ugly and weird and we didn't have sex just fooled around (it sucked) and it was to see if i could quash my feelings for my person. didn't work and never will.

my stalker/r*pist also is still keeping tabs i me i know. i can't post on socials without "frankjefferson92730" liking my story or the same "bots" watching and shit popping up on my snapchat (deleted it).

most people i've known are literally energy sucking ghouls and just wanna take and now that they can't, are so mad and unhinged they're willing to harm me in any way they can. DISGUSTING. i truly feel there's no way out of this hell but suicide. it feels like sparing myself.

i'm thinking of hanging myself or some other means. not sure which, gonna look thru the resources and identify one. OD has made it so i need a kidney ultrasound this Friday and i could (prob am) experiencing renal issues. i also have some sort of autoimmune issue they're trying to diagnose. my body is so fat (not even insulting, i
weigh around 350, my tall height hides it but i'm always told i'd be perfect if i lost weight cause i'm "pretty" and blablabla all that noise), tired, and in so much pain.

it's 10 days before my person's birthday and 15 before mine. he lost 14+ people including his grandma just recently. but maybe he wouldn't care? he stopped talking to me for the past week. probably to find easier and convenient. i love him and maybe me not being here would be the best thing for him. but also me, my family, anyone who knew me.


it's sad, i desperately wanna be alive but this world has made it impossible. it wasn't set up for someone like me. i wanna be alive and love and experience good, but all i can see is the bad. i wish i could take away my parent's, my person's, everyone in general's suffering. but i can't. i have to worry about myself but can't even do that well.

 

[AresCohere]

The world is an openly terrible place where the good get punished and the evil get lifted I to the spotlight. As someone else who is also living in America, I fully agree with the decline you are seeing, it is terrible and it just zaps away at any hope I might have remaining. While I am about to start a new "job", my employer found a loophole that allows them to pay me significantly less than minimum wage.

I can deeply relate to many points you make here, and even that little bit of the mind clinging on to try to survive when living is obviously the wrong choice. Some stories, no, most stories don't have a happy ending.

 

[FuneralCry]

It really is so horrible how other people just create more suffering in this hellish world, existence certainly is so unnecessarily cruel and it sounds really awful what you've been through. But anyway I wish you the best.

 

[diosadysiareborn]

The world is an openly terrible place where the good get punished and the evil get lifted I to the spotlight. As someone else who is also living in America, I fully agree with the decline you are seeing, it is terrible and it just zaps away at any hope I might have remaining. While I am about to start a new "job", my employer found a loophole that allows them to pay me significantly less than minimum wage.

I can deeply relate to many points you make here, and even that little bit of the mind clinging on to try to survive when living is obviously the wrong choice. Some stories, no, most stories don't have a happy ending.

i agree this world is honestly backwards. evil does get glorified and coveted after. to see how "bad" and cool people can be. i truly feel if i had at least one person who could genuinely love me and i could feel safe with, i could take it. ran thru so many friends, situationships, etc. people miss the point that love is the main purpose of life. for self, others, a career, anything. i'm sorry about your job, i hope you can find one that compensates you better. we are (for the most part) all deserving of good and it breaks my heart and pisses me off so many people haven't receieved that good.

 

[LeatherRectangle]

it's sad, i desperately wanna be alive but this world has made it impossible. it wasn't set up for someone like me. i wanna be alive and love and experience good, but all i can see is the bad. i wish i could take away my parent's, my person's, everyone in general's suffering. but i can't. i have to worry about myself but can't even do that well.

I definitely connected with this part of your post. This website should be a small example that there are many people who do not feel that they can function in this world. Chances are that someone you know (in real life) are also struggling with these issues.

I don't want to be prescriptive, but I noticed that you mentioned an OD. It seems like you struggle to relate to others, so perhaps you could find people in a similar situation through a group (ex. alcoholics/narcotics anonymous).

Please also know that you will not be taking away anyone else's pain by ctb. No one is worth dying for. You have alot going on, so you should look after yourself first.

 

[AresCohere]

i agree this world is honestly backwards. evil does get glorified and coveted after. to see how "bad" and cool people can be. i truly feel if i had at least one person who could genuinely love me and i could feel safe with, i could take it. ran thru so many friends, situationships, etc. people miss the point that love is the main purpose of life. for self, others, a career, anything. i'm sorry about your job, i hope you can find one that compensates you better. we are (for the most part) all deserving of good and it breaks my heart and pisses me off so many people haven't receieved that good.

I feel the same, I just want to feel loved, or even just safe for once. I never feel safe. The paranoia follows me wherever I go, and to whatever I do. Love and safety are too things that I may not be able to experience ever again.

 

[diosadysiareborn]

It really is so horrible how other people just create more suffering in this hellish world, existence certainly is so unnecessarily cruel and it sounds really awful what you've been through. But anyway I wish you the best.

thank you FuneralCry i remember you from last time, seeing you uplift others and this comment reminds me of the good. people genuinely aren't that good anymore. i appreciate you. people do make this world so bad when they don't have to. "hurt people hurt people" true, but it's not acceptable. get better, or just isolate. i have always said "can't help them, won't harm them." idk why it's so hard to do for most.

I definitely connected with this part of your post. This website should be a small example that there are many people who do not feel that they can function in this world. Chances are that someone you know (in real life) are also struggling with these issues.

I don't want to be prescriptive, but I noticed that you mentioned an OD. It seems like you struggle to relate to others, so perhaps you could find people in a similar situation through a group (ex. alcoholics/narcotics anonymous).

Please also know that you will not be taking away anyone else's pain by ctb. No one is worth dying for. You have alot going on, so you should look after yourself first.

thank you for the wisdom. no one is worth dying for at all, it's for me just i truly feel rotten and like deal with trauma or peoole telling me the world would be better off w/o me. hell even my mom has said it in fights with me. i genuinely have never done anything horrible to anyone, been a jerk or too needy or vindictive a couple times yes. but never anything massive.

i don't struggle with alchol tho or substance, just haved popped massive amounts of pills when i wanted to die many times since i was 12. what i get i guess. i go to extremes (bpd) and have a hard time regulating and all the shit happening in my life is making it impossible. like i truly feel i can't escape and focus on myself.

i know so many people struggling. even my person. it makes me feel more useless and sad i can't help. somewhere i know i can only help myself and somewhat assist others, but my stupid brain just wishes there was more i could do but i know i can't right now.

I feel the same, I just want to feel loved, or even just safe for once. I never feel safe. The paranoia follows me wherever I go, and to whatever I do. Love and safety are too things that I may not be able to experience ever again.

i feel the same. my voices (trauma induced) are literally screaming in my head and i can't even tell when someone has good intentions for me anymore. i'm so sorry you feel that way. i just hope things get lighter for you and so many of us. i do.