Catch the bus

[Wildsages]

I was not one of those people who has spent a lot of time simply thinking about death, or imagining her own death, or wanting it. At least I don't think i was. But so much shit has happened in the last few years of my life that I am questioning whether I even have a life, or if what I thought was my life is actually an illusion, or maybe a delusion. Because it doesn't seem like living to me. It seems like persevering, like that's the most I can hope for. I'm not that old, but I'm already so tired. Even getting out of bed each morning seems like an enormous chore. Life seems to be about endurance, not enjoyment, not fulfillment. I don't see the point. If someone told me I could go back and undo my birth, I think I might. I really do.
Is that the same thing as wanting to die?

I just keep simply thinking about my family, not so much my parents as the rest of them, along with my friends. What would it do to them? Wreck them to pieces?
What if I escape the pain of this life only to land somewhere worse? When I imagine death; it's liberation, a release from pain.

The last year a lot of big or little things rooted from my mother and my peers.

Today I even played hookie and ended up getting a huge shove, not big enough to decide whether today is my day, or tomorrow, but it was apart of it. I lost the one family I thought I had, the one keeping me sane.

 

[Neverod]

That sounds rough, wish i could help but you are the only one who can decide what does feel like living and what doesn't. Life consists of good and bad moments, but there's no balance between those two, you can get a long period of time full of bad things kicking you, and only one hour of good things, or the opposite, you just can't control it all. Think about it, until you are 100% sure that you want to end your life no matter what.
Maybe it would wreck the ones close to you, but not eternally. Look at both sides, you could teach them to care more about the ones they love, or you could destroy them completely.
Your fault? No. When you interact with life, you compromise yourself to all that it gives, love, hate, grief, comfort, discomfort, anxiety, peacefulness... Something that a lot of people seems to forget. If you have a child, if you make a friend, if you get a gf, you already accepted a lot of pain and a lot of happiness.

 

[pole]

I was not one of those people who has spent a lot of time simply thinking about death, or imagining her own death, or wanting it. At least I don't think i was. But so much shit has happened in the last few years of my life that I am questioning whether I even have a life, or if what I thought was my life is actually an illusion, or maybe a delusion. Because it doesn't seem like living to me. It seems like persevering, like that's the most I can hope for. I'm not that old, but I'm already so tired. Even getting out of bed each morning seems like an enormous chore. Life seems to be about endurance, not enjoyment, not fulfillment. I don't see the point. If someone told me I could go back and undo my birth, I think I might. I really do.
Is that the same thing as wanting to die?

I just keep simply thinking about my family, not so much my parents as the rest of them, along with my friends. What would it do to them? Wreck them to pieces?
What if I escape the pain of this life only to land somewhere worse? When I imagine death; it's liberation, a release from pain.

The last year a lot of big or little things rooted from my mother and my peers.

Today I even played hookie and ended up getting a huge shove, not big enough to decide whether today is my day, or tomorrow, but it was apart of it. I lost the one family I thought I had, the one keeping me sane.

its hard. Im 19, and i feel like im 60. Literally. I feel like im mentally detrioating and physically deterioating at a rapid pace. i just feel so old. nothing about life feels real, if that makes any sense. this past year has made me wonder about some people just being cursed or literally like destined to be unhappy for the rest of their lives. hate to say it, even while recovering, but i feel like i'll achieve a peace of mind when i commit to ctbing, and when i pass. so hard to envision being at peace with yourself, you're life and the world around you in this life.

 

[Wildsages]

That sounds rough, wish i could help but you are the only one who can decide what does feel like living and what doesn't. Life consists of good and bad moments, but there's no balance between those two, you can get a long period of time full of bad things kicking you, and only one hour of good things, or the opposite, you just can't control it all. Think about it, until you are 100% sure that you want to end your life no matter what.
Maybe it would wreck the ones close to you, but not eternally. Look at both sides, you could teach them to care more about the ones they love, or you could destroy them completely.
Your fault? No. When you interact with life, you compromise yourself to all that it gives, love, hate, grief, comfort, discomfort, anxiety, peacefulness... Something that a lot of people seems to forget. If you have a child, if you make a friend, if you get a gf, you already accepted a lot of pain and a lot of happiness.

thank you

its hard. Im 19, and i feel like im 60. Literally. I feel like im mentally detrioating and physically deterioating at a rapid pace. i just feel so old. nothing about life feels real, if that makes any sense. this past year has made me wonder about some people just being cursed or literally like destined to be unhappy for the rest of their lives. hate to say it, even while recovering, but i feel like i'll achieve a peace of mind when i commit to ctbing, and when i pass. so hard to envision being at peace with yourself, you're life and the world around you in this life.

i dont think only i'd be at peace but the ones around me who have to deal with me and my shitty self.
i wish i could focus on positives, although there really isnt any