Caregiver responsibility and parentification

[albert_camus]

Hi everyone,

I'm not posting because I'm in immediate danger or because I have a concrete plan. I'm posting because I'm not okay, and I'm trying very hard to keep holding on.
I'm 23, an only child, and a lot of responsibility rests on me.
My mother had several strokes months ago and still has ongoing medical issues. My father is 85 and increasingly shows signs of cognitive and physical decline. There's no real backup system, neither emotionally, practically, or organizationally. If something needs to be done, it usually falls on me.

At the same time, I'm finishing my Bachelor's degree (thesis + remaining exams) and starting a new bilingual Master's program soon. I'm also applying for another fully English-taught Master's, which requires a motivation letter and CV in the middle of the semester. I'm already stressed af and also scared, but I'm really interested in these Master's degrees too... I wanna do it, I wanna try at least.
On top of all this, I also work. During the semester, it's a part-time mini-job, but in the holidays I've been working full-time.

I'm also physically and mentally ill myself. That often gets overlooked, by others and sometimes even by me, because things still need to function. There's this unspoken assumption in my family that "we don't need help." And maybe that's true only because I'm quietly filling every gap.
Lately, that includes things like doing mold remediation in our house myself, organizing repairs, and dealing with damage and maintenance because I can't just watch the place slowly fall apart. It's not just a house, it's the place I live in, and yes, one day it will be my inheritance. Letting it rot isn't really an option. There are still more things coming up that need fixing, and I'm already stretched thin.

I'm constantly tired. Not just sleepy, but deeply worn down. My social life has basically disappeared (partly because I don't have the energy, partly because I don't feel understood anymore). I'm not angry at people; I just don't have the capacity. Silence feels safer than explaining myself over and over.
I keep functioning because I have to. I show up. I do the work. I organize. But inside, it often feels like I'm holding everything together with sheer willpower and very little margin left. I worry about burning out completely, about collapsing after things are "finally done," or about never really getting to rest.

I just needed a place where I could say this honestly:
I'm not okay. I'm overwhelmed. But I'm still trying to hold on.
Honestly, it feels easier to vent here than in my real life. Strangers on this forum often show more understanding and compassion than people who are actually part of my everyday environment. There's less minimizing, less judgment, and fewer expectations. I don't have to be "functional" or reassuring for anyone here... I can just say how bad it really feels, even if it kinda feels like I'm exaggerating/overdramatizing.

Thanks for reading. And... wish me luck I guess.

P.S.:
Isn't it strange that my parents were always pretty much the only reason for me to keep living, and now... now everything is very uncertain... although, I couldn't leave my cats alone either. What have they done to deserve being left alone?
I don't know how things will continue...

It's like a little secret between me and this forum that I've thought since I was little that I would/will only live for my parents. That's how it's become ingrained in my soul... to live only for my parents and only as long as my parents live. What am I without caregiver responsibility, what am I without them, when I've been thinking this way since I was about 10?
Maybe I'll have a real life of my own someday? I don't know. AND MY CATS... I love them more than anything... and one of them will eventually outlive my father, at least. I can't abandon them... I see it a little differently with everyone else... my friends would be fine without me. And so far, I've lived almost exclusively for others... I'm not going to do that forever. Either I'll manage to WANT to live for myself as myself one day, or it will all end prematurely.

 

[MapleS]

I just wanted yo say that I'm VERY proud of you

 

[albert_camus]

I just wanted yo say that I'm VERY proud of you

Thank you

 

[Always-in-trouble]

That really does seem like an absurd amount of time to be occupied without rest. Are there ways that you can postpone or lessen the workload if you explain the situation? You don't deserve this.

 

[CatLvr]

Oh my gosh!! While my circumstances were not completely the same, I was in the same position you find yourself in now. For literally years, because I had no choice. If I didn't do it, it didn't get done. It took me YEARS to get to where I didn't fall asleep within seconds of sitting down -- I was even dosing off at stoplights driving to and from work.

I wish I had some kind of magic advice -- but I can already tell, by the tone of your post you are doing everything you can with prioritizing, trying to keep a schedule, etc. Your problem is there is not enough TIME in a day. That, and caregiving for family isn't a cut and dried kinda thing anyway. All kinds of things happen to disrupt even the best schedules and routines.

You need to know that YOU are enough -- it's the world ... the world is asking too much. I don't know your income level, or even where you are but could you possibly get some help from an elder care agency? Like a state or federal program?? Would it help to take a semester off and get the house lined out and then resume your studies?? I dunno, really, I don't. Just kinda tossing stuff out there. I wound up giving up on my education, working 2 and 3 jobs my entire working career almost and then after my kids were grown, retiring and then deciding I was done with everything and just decided to make due with what I had already accomplished. Do I have regrets? A few. But not near as many as I thought I would have. Just is what it is ...

I wish there was something more I could do but just know you are seen -- at least HERE, anyway.

 

[orpheus_]

God, this sounds extremely overwhelming. But it's all really brave of you, doing this, especially with studying on top.

I don't know if you have already considered this, but there are medications that can sometimes improve cognitive skills or slow down their decline in older people with such problems. I don't know that much about that, but I know it's an option, at least where I live (they are prescribed by psychiatrists or neurologists, mostly). I don't know the exact situation and I am aware it will not change that much, but maybe you can look into it. Also keep looking for help from state-funded or non-profit organisations, maybe you will be able to get help from a social worker or some extra money... What I just know is that there are often many non-obvious options which most people haven't heard about. Sometimes universities can provide some form of help for students in difficult situations (on my university it's possible to get financial help in difficult life circumstances, for example). You are really doing hard work and you deserve this. Unfortunately, I know the system is unfair and it always depends on where someone lives...

For a part of my life I was also in a position of being someone's caregiver and doing things beyond my capacity, because they just had to be done by someone. I will not say I understand your situation, because mine lasted just for a few months (then it got much lighter for various reasons) and also I didn't have to work, there were also other factors but it 's a long story. But what I can say I understand, at least partially, is having so many responsibilities that you can never get any rest and you're barely holding on, while also not really wanting to live yourself. Also feeling like you are not allowed to have any problems "because you're the caregiver here". God, the guilt I felt both when I was falling apart mentally, or even when I ever got any physical health problems which limited ways I could be "useful"... Please remember that even as a "caregiver" you can get support too sometimes. I hope you will get at least some of it here.

I know time and money is probably an issue but maybe you will be able to have some meetings with a psychologist/therapist? I KNOW, sounds like bullshit, but for me just having that one person I could talk to and have for support, even in a situation where nothing additional could be done to make things better, honestly helped. Even just having one place where I felt like I was allowed to cry and not be "put together" for some time. Though like I said, I know it's probably not possible for you financially as I don't know if you have any free options.

Also. The part with "living only for other people"... I did that too for the most part of my life. I mean, trying to find something else, I guess, but others are my only semi-reliable motivation. I also asked myself what I will do when the ones that need me now are gone. I think various types of institutionalized volunteer work is what I'm aiming for, because it does fill up the need of helping people while also having that systemic scaffolding which keeps you safe and provides support. Maybe you can also consider it, if you need motivation for the future. I still think it's important to find ways to live for yourself, at least sometimes, because otherwise you will collapse. But yeah I can get how that is not always an option, when you see nothing interesting or good in life, really.

I hope you will find something that can help you. Either way, much respect for everything you're doing. You're always welcome here to ask for support. Sending hugs <3