judging by some of the things youve said here im guessing youve talked to them? about your problems, how youve been feeling, ect?
Yes that's true, two months ago I told them how I felt because I felt like they were onto my plans and so I came clean with everything. I had hoped that it would change things but I don't think it really has. Though my parents did act understanding in that conversation it was a rare moment for them since, well normally they would give me a hard time about everything. I honestly would have preferred to find a job that paid enough for me to move out so I could make my plans in peace but I couldn't find that type of employment no matter how hard I looked. Hence my getting desperate. I really don't want to spend 50+ years of the rest of my life slowly rotting to death.
CTB only need 1 hour to work. Find 1 hour to be alone is a must in the first place
That's just the thing though, even before I came out and said what I wanted to do, I couldn't get an hour alone in anywhere except my bedroom, and there aren't any good places to do full hanging in there. I've tried partial hanging in the closet with a tie way too many times to count, and it never worked no matter what position I positioned myself in. I tried with a belt and bedsheets too and that didn't work either. So I could either CTB somewhere else in the house and get caught or take a walk alone for an hour and hope I can both find a suitable tree whose branches won't collapse, that I can take my ligature of choice without getting caught, and that I can make in time without police getting called to search for me (my parents were hyperparanoid about letting me do anything and everything before I told them what I wanted to do, including driving, working, and moving out of the house, so I wouldn't doubt they'd do it if I was out for what they consider too long.) So I thought the only way to get that hour alone would be to somehow convince them to let me get that hour alone. I had no other ideas whatsoever. And I have no intentions of "getting better" as I've tried that for 10+ years and also tried to become self-sufficient and independent and it's been such a colossal failure that I am extremely behind everyone my age group on life and hate where I am right now. Digging myself out would take so much effort, if it was even possible, because I doubt it is, it would take so much effort and luck that I don't see the potential reward to… CTB without being watched, as worth it, because I could potentially do it with much less effort. Like why spend years of work trying to CTB if you could potentially get it in 10 minutes by asking for it? Or it could be simple but I guess for some reason it can't be? I honestly don't get why it's so obvious that people wouldn't let others die if they wanted to. I mean I personally wouldn't get too broken up if anybody I really cared for died. Probably my cat, but even then I wouldn't force him to endure what he considered extreme pain for my peace of mind, mostly because it wouldn't bring me peace of mind to do such a thing.
I know people here have said my way of thinking is ridiculous and it probably is considered that. It's just frustrating to have a universal worldview you don't share forced on you at your ultimate expense. I don't see what I'm doing as forcing my view on them. I'm not saying they should die. I'm just asking for them to respect my decision. I see being obligated to live as having views forced on me. Essentially my idea was that I'm not obligated to light myself on fire to keep others warm. But I get what people say about the whole idea being realistically silly and impossible. I just really don't think it should be.
