Can’t take another life challenge

[old_soul]

I've decided that the next "big life crisis" that comes along will be the nudge I need to finally pull the trigger. The scary part is, I'm not even actively depressed right now - just life anxiety. I'm so tired of fighting through life. Trying. Everything is a battle for me. Seeking therapy. Working on myself. My soul fibers are just exhausted.. I feel like I've lived 100 years and I'm not even 40. 30 years now I've contemplated ending my life on and off, but always dug down and gritted my teeth and got through it …only to wind up in the exact same mental place over and over and over. Does anyone else feel that no matter what they do, no matter what therapy they have, what self help books they read.. nothing works? I feel like everywhere I go, I'm eventually rejected. Misjudged. Misunderstood. I'm funny. I'm intelligent. I'm empathetic. I make people laugh. I'm soulful. Good at my career. Intellectual. A high achiever. Yet… rejected from society because I'm just not similar enough to everyone else. I don't follow trends. I don't do social media. Is that threatening to other people? I'm tired of living. Haunted by my past. Haunted by my family. Feeling like my life was cursed from the start. Everything or everyone I've ever loved has either died or abandoned me abruptly. I'm just heartbroken.

Over a year ago I bought what I thought would be the gun I eventually ctb with. A .38 special with hollow points. This year I decided to buy a .44 S&W with hollow points bc I don't have an option for this to not work and got nervous after reading here that my first gun was probably insufficient. It has to work. I have no family that gives a shit about me to care for me if I vegetable myself.

So here I am. Anticipating a possible job layoff soon due to the economy being not good in my industry. Not even depressed right now, but contemplating ending it all simply because I'm too tired to navigate one more challenging life shit surprise. As an ACE score of 8 this seems like a likely outcome for me anyways. I don't deserve this. I love myself enough to give myself relief, if I do it it will be the bravest thing I've ever done.

I feel relief that I'm not alone here. Reading others posts, they make me feel more normal.

 

[Danby]

Does anyone else feel that no matter what they do, no matter what therapy they have, what self help books they read.. nothing works?

Yes, I do. I am so tired of being sad and depressed all the time. What happiness I do have is temporary--something always happens to make it go away. :-(

 

[Chronicallyunwell]

I've decided that the next "big life crisis" that comes along will be the nudge I need to finally pull the trigger. The scary part is, I'm not even actively depressed right now - just life anxiety. I'm so tired of fighting through life. Trying. Everything is a battle for me. Seeking therapy. Working on myself. My soul fibers are just exhausted.. I feel like I've lived 100 years and I'm not even 40. 30 years now I've contemplated ending my life on and off, but always dug down and gritted my teeth and got through it …only to wind up in the exact same mental place over and over and over. Does anyone else feel that no matter what they do, no matter what therapy they have, what self help books they read.. nothing works? I feel like everywhere I go, I'm eventually rejected. Misjudged. Misunderstood. I'm funny. I'm intelligent. I'm empathetic. I make people laugh. I'm soulful. Good at my career. Intellectual. A high achiever. Yet… rejected from society because I'm just not similar enough to everyone else. I don't follow trends. I don't do social media. Is that threatening to other people? I'm tired of living. Haunted by my past. Haunted by my family. Feeling like my life was cursed from the start. Everything or everyone I've ever loved has either died or abandoned me abruptly. I'm just heartbroken.

Over a year ago I bought what I thought would be the gun I eventually ctb with. A .38 special with hollow points. This year I decided to buy a .44 S&W with hollow points bc I don't have an option for this to not work and got nervous after reading here that my first gun was probably insufficient. It has to work. I have no family that gives a shit about me to care for me if I vegetable myself.

So here I am. Anticipating a possible job layoff soon due to the economy being not good in my industry. Not even depressed right now, but contemplating ending it all simply because I'm too tired to navigate one more challenging life shit surprise. As an ACE score of 8 this seems like a likely outcome for me anyways. I don't deserve this. I love myself enough to give myself relief, if I do it it will be the bravest thing I've ever done.

I feel relief that I'm not alone here. Reading others posts, they make me feel more normal.

Please dont end your damn life, go and live it for me and the others on here who are desperate to live but cant due to chronic pain or illness.

 

[old_soul]

Yes, I do. I am so tired of being sad and depressed all the time. What happiness I do have is temporary--something always happens to make it go away. :-(

totally relate to that sentiment. Do you ever have the thought of "if this keeps happening, there's no way I'm not the problem" ? That's where I'm at now. Life dealt me a metric pile of shit from birth, which made me a human that generally struggles to act completely normal, but holy hell… people in this world suck so much. Is it possible that some people genuinely draw a shitty life card? Or are those people simply "the source of their own problems" ? I'm really just at a weird crossroads intellectually I guess. I fake my way through every single day. Smile, laugh, make others laugh. No one knows the first and last thought I have every day is eating a gun. It's like a feeling of "the world has fully decided they don't want me here" I guess is what I'm feeling. I'm just sick of the feeling, no one deserves this. My fault, everyone else's fault, at the end of the day I just want to opt out and be done with it but feel like I need a major crisis to really give me the courage. How much can a soul endure ya know.

Please dont end your damn life, go and live it for me and the others on here who are desperate to live but cant due to chronic pain or illness.

30 years of being suicidal from trauma qualifies as chronic pain. Not the same as yours possibly, but not less relevant.

 

[Danby]

Indeed--how much CAN a soul endure?

I think if I had a gun I'd have ctbed by now. But I live in a state where guns are hard to get. That, and my daughters, are the only things stopping me now. Plus there's a part of me that still has hope things will get better. My wife of nearly thirty years is divorcing me, which hasn't helped, though more and more I'm realizing I'll be happier without her as she is one of the main causes of my anxiety. But I worry--I am autistic and don't do well with change, so having to move, the fear of not finding another partner, etc., adds to my depression--and that makes me think it just might be easier to end it all and not go through with all that. But maybe, just maybe, once the transition is done, things will be better. I'm clinging to that hope, foolishly perhaps.

 

[Chronicallyunwell]

totally relate to that sentiment. Do you ever have the thought of "if this keeps happening, there's no way I'm not the problem" ? That's where I'm at now. Life dealt me a metric pile of shit from birth, which made me a human that generally struggles to act completely normal, but holy hell… people in this world suck so much. Is it possible that some people genuinely draw a shitty life card? Or are those people simply "the source of their own problems" ? I'm really just at a weird crossroads intellectually I guess. I fake my way through every single day. Smile, laugh, make others laugh. No one knows the first and last thought I have every day is eating a gun. It's like a feeling of "the world has fully decided they don't want me here" I guess is what I'm feeling. I'm just sick of the feeling, no one deserves this. My fault, everyone else's fault, at the end of the day I just want to opt out and be done with it but feel like I need a major crisis to really give me the courage. How much can a soul endure ya know.

30 years of being suicidal from trauma qualifies as chronic pain. Not the same as yours possibly, but not less relevant.

Its weird but i was depressed before i got sick, now i would give anything to go back and slap myself and say nothing really matters, please can you try to keep going and find whatever small things you can enjoy, and enjoy being in a pain free body, imagine if your attempt fails and you end up really regretting it.

I've decided that the next "big life crisis" that comes along will be the nudge I need to finally pull the trigger. The scary part is, I'm not even actively depressed right now - just life anxiety. I'm so tired of fighting through life. Trying. Everything is a battle for me. Seeking therapy. Working on myself. My soul fibers are just exhausted.. I feel like I've lived 100 years and I'm not even 40. 30 years now I've contemplated ending my life on and off, but always dug down and gritted my teeth and got through it …only to wind up in the exact same mental place over and over and over. Does anyone else feel that no matter what they do, no matter what therapy they have, what self help books they read.. nothing works? I feel like everywhere I go, I'm eventually rejected. Misjudged. Misunderstood. I'm funny. I'm intelligent. I'm empathetic. I make people laugh. I'm soulful. Good at my career. Intellectual. A high achiever. Yet… rejected from society because I'm just not similar enough to everyone else. I don't follow trends. I don't do social media. Is that threatening to other people? I'm tired of living. Haunted by my past. Haunted by my family. Feeling like my life was cursed from the start. Everything or everyone I've ever loved has either died or abandoned me abruptly. I'm just heartbroken.

Over a year ago I bought what I thought would be the gun I eventually ctb with. A .38 special with hollow points. This year I decided to buy a .44 S&W with hollow points bc I don't have an option for this to not work and got nervous after reading here that my first gun was probably insufficient. It has to work. I have no family that gives a shit about me to care for me if I vegetable myself.

So here I am. Anticipating a possible job layoff soon due to the economy being not good in my industry. Not even depressed right now, but contemplating ending it all simply because I'm too tired to navigate one more challenging life shit surprise. As an ACE score of 8 this seems like a likely outcome for me anyways. I don't deserve this. I love myself enough to give myself relief, if I do it it will be the bravest thing I've ever done.

I feel relief that I'm not alone here. Reading others posts, they make me feel more normal.

Dude go back to therapy, you sound wonderful and people don't relate to you because they're like pigeons and you're flying above them. Go and take a week off to do nice things for yourself. If you shoot yourself I'll be very mad.

 

[old_soul]

Indeed--how much CAN a soul endure?

I think if I had a gun I'd have ctbed by now. But I live in a state where guns are hard to get. That, and my daughters, are the only things stopping me now. Plus there's a part of me that still has hope things will get better. My wife of nearly thirty years is divorcing me, which hasn't helped, though more and more I'm realizing I'll be happier without her as she is one of the main causes of my anxiety. But I worry--I am autistic and don't do well with change, so having to move, the fear of not finding another partner, etc., adds to my depression--and that makes me think it just might be easier to end it all and not go through with all that. But maybe, just maybe, once the transition is done, things will be better. I'm clinging to that hope, foolishly perhaps.

I hope your new life pattern helps you find a more stable ground to try again. Change is scary if you've gotten used to a certain pattern of life at a certain age, guessing that is probably heightened with autism. I'm tired of change just because I feel so old inside. It's like my brain is rotting while being alive. Layoff, moving, only to find the same internal misery wherever I go that mirrors the misery I just left. The past demons from childhood move with you, even if you don't want them to. The new people that come along still lie, cheat, steal and betray… If I had one instance to point to in my past where a well intentioned life change actually resulted in the improvements I was seeking I wouldn't be at the end of my rope.. but no matter what I've done it all leads back to here. Kids would change the whole discussion though for sure. I'm really sorry you're feeling this way.

 

[Kalista]

Its weird but i was depressed before i got sick, now i would give anything to go back and slap myself and say nothing really matters, please can you try to keep going and find whatever small things you can enjoy, and enjoy being in a pain free body, imagine if your attempt fails and you end up really regretting it.

Dude go back to therapy, you sound wonderful and people don't relate to you because they're like pigeons and you're flying above them. Go and take a week off to do nice things for yourself. If you shoot yourself I'll be very mad.

his life, his choice. he doesn't live for you or anyone else. he doesn't need to justify to you or anyone his pain and decision to end it.

 

[FuneralCry]

I understand feeling so tired of it all, I'll always feel tired in my case but anyway I wish you all the best.

 

[Chronicallyunwell]

his life, his choice. he doesn't live for you or anyone else. he doesn't need to justify to you or anyone his pain and decision to end it.

I agree but these posts where situations can change are so fucking hard to read.

 

[naturelle]

I've decided that the next "big life crisis" that comes along will be the nudge I need to finally pull the trigger. The scary part is, I'm not even actively depressed right now - just life anxiety. I'm so tired of fighting through life. Trying. Everything is a battle for me. Seeking therapy. Working on myself. My soul fibers are just exhausted.. I feel like I've lived 100 years and I'm not even 40. 30 years now I've contemplated ending my life on and off, but always dug down and gritted my teeth and got through it …only to wind up in the exact same mental place over and over and over. Does anyone else feel that no matter what they do, no matter what therapy they have, what self help books they read.. nothing works? I feel like everywhere I go, I'm eventually rejected. Misjudged. Misunderstood. I'm funny. I'm intelligent. I'm empathetic. I make people laugh. I'm soulful. Good at my career. Intellectual. A high achiever. Yet… rejected from society because I'm just not similar enough to everyone else. I don't follow trends. I don't do social media. Is that threatening to other people? I'm tired of living. Haunted by my past. Haunted by my family. Feeling like my life was cursed from the start. Everything or everyone I've ever loved has either died or abandoned me abruptly. I'm just heartbroken.

Over a year ago I bought what I thought would be the gun I eventually ctb with. A .38 special with hollow points. This year I decided to buy a .44 S&W with hollow points bc I don't have an option for this to not work and got nervous after reading here that my first gun was probably insufficient. It has to work. I have no family that gives a shit about me to care for me if I vegetable myself.

So here I am. Anticipating a possible job layoff soon due to the economy being not good in my industry. Not even depressed right now, but contemplating ending it all simply because I'm too tired to navigate one more challenging life shit surprise. As an ACE score of 8 this seems like a likely outcome for me anyways. I don't deserve this. I love myself enough to give myself relief, if I do it it will be the bravest thing I've ever done.

I feel relief that I'm not alone here. Reading others posts, they make me feel more normal.

I have felt as you do. I am sorry for your troubles but please know that it's normal. "As the sparks fly so is man born to trouble..." Have you turned to your Maker? You will most likely find acceptance in a good church.