Cant stop humiliating myself

[nextstepdeath]

It's more than being embarrassing, it's humiliating yourself, its turning yourself into the worst possible spectacle you can be. Its all anxiety really, that and insecurity, yet with me over the course of my life, I know what is a no go and what I should not do. And yet I do it anyway. Why? Probably because I'm so insecure and am desperate to get it right with people, for me I've never been secure and to get things right is imperative to feeling secure. Maybe that's the deep rooted killer pattern that has fucked up everything for me and turned me into a bed bound cripple. I wish I wasn't hardwired to feel I need to get things right. I've beeb manipulated and lost as much as I can out of it. Now all I can do is focus on killing myself.

 

[cosmosis]

I am really sorry this has been your experience. What you described is my life as well so I know what an incredible nightmare of an existence it is. My heart is with you, friend. I am really sorry. Feeling like you humiliate yourself no matter what you do to try to get socializing right. It is so isolating. It hurts so much. You just want someone to see you for you and give you a break. Make it easy. The world is just so cold. I wish the best for you. I hope you can find the community and support that you deserve.

 

[nextstepdeath]

I am really sorry this has been your experience. What you described is my life as well so I know what an incredible nightmare of an existence it is. My heart is with you, friend. I am really sorry. Feeling like you humiliate yourself no matter what you do to try to get socializing right. It is so isolating. It hurts so much. You just want someone to see you for you and give you a break. Make it easy. The world is just so cold. I wish the best for you. I hope you can find the community and support that you deserve.

Thanks. I'll never get there, the last 10 or so years has been me getting the full blast of people being as hard as they possibly can on me and I'm completely knuckled, it might sound dramatic but maybe now I understand what a crucification feels like and I don't want to, I'd rather kill myself than feel this any more

 

[nextstepdeath]

Feeling under the wheel again. So much pain. Struggling to keep going. Lying on a sofa, feeling the weight of it sink in. I can't shift this weight off me. All I can feel is pain and fatigue and overload. Shaking and trembling. Everything is lost, life is gone for good. I need to jump.

 

[leavingsoonx]

It's more than being embarrassing, it's humiliating yourself, its turning yourself into the worst possible spectacle you can be. Its all anxiety really, that and insecurity, yet with me over the course of my life, I know what is a no go and what I should not do. And yet I do it anyway. Why? Probably because I'm so insecure and am desperate to get it right with people, for me I've never been secure and to get things right is imperative to feeling secure. Maybe that's the deep rooted killer pattern that has fucked up everything for me and turned me into a bed bound cripple. I wish I wasn't hardwired to feel I need to get things right. I've beeb manipulated and lost as much as I can out of it. Now all I can do is focus on killing myself.

I've done this same thing over and over. I've become almost numb to how embarrassing and humiliating I am as a person. Just remember you're not alone… other people are embarrassing too. I wish that you find some peace somehow

 

[nextstepdeath]

Feeling totally steamrolled. Shutting down, shaking, feeling more and more ill. Meds are kicking in, they make you calm but at a price, my health is shot. Looking to die either way. Lost everything.