Can’t sleep: Excited about my next attempt.

[Cockney_Rebel]

So I'm intending on taking my next overdose tomorrow (technically today, now) and I just can't sleep.

Excitement is in full swing.

I go through three stages when I make my attempts:

1: Excitement

2: Fear

3: Spiritual

Once I get to stage three, it's a green light, and I execute my plan. Nothing can stop me at this point.

It's only going to be a paracetamol overdose (48) but I'm planning on doing this one differently. Yes, I'll call to alert someone once I've taken them. However, I'm going to refuse the NAC antidote. I'm just going to request that they put me onto a ward, let me lay in bed, and offer me anti sickness medication.

Before you say anything, I know this is going to be gruelling.

I'll ride this one out, and allow myself to die of organ failure. I know, I know, it's meant to be extremely painful. But I'm sure they will administer pain relief.

Sending a hug to my exit partner, who I am meant to be jumping with next month (you know who you are) and I am still onboard if this fails. I just can't ignore all of the intrusive thoughts anymore.

I need my fix.

 

[Foogs]

Is it just me or is this clearly not going to work and will end up terribly

 

[Cockney_Rebel]

Is it just me or is this clearly not going to work and will end up terribly

In what way do you mean it will not work, buddy?

 

[Foogs]

In what way do you mean it will not work, buddy?

Because it will take you 4-18 days to actually die. Because they might just save you despite what you want or refuse you the treatment you want. Because your SI and the pain will kick in and you'll be begging them to save your life. Because after you fail to die your body might be seriously fucked up.

 

[Bullit]

Is it just me or is this clearly not going to work and will end up terribly

It is not going to work. Cockney,stand down and think this shit over.

 

[Foogs]

From your history it seems like you make and consider a lot of "bad" attempts. You gotta slow down man, think about what you're doing

Are you sure being off meds is the best thing for you?

 

[Cockney_Rebel]

From your history it seems like you make and consider a lot of "bad" attempts. You gotta slow down man, think about what you're doing

Are you sure being off meds is the best thing for you?

I'm not taking that poison any more, my friend.

I can see clearly now.

I'm going to reincarnate, and my next life will be better. I just have to endure a bit of physical pain before I go.

But life is pain, and pain is life.

 

[Foogs]

I'm not taking that poison any more, my friend.

I can see clearly now.

I'm going to reincarnate, and my next life will be better. The angels are calling me from the other side.

Spoken like someone in a truly deep state of delusion. I know there is nothing I can say to break that spell though. I hope you can get some proper care and reevaluate your life after that

 

[Cockney_Rebel]

It is not going to work. Cockney,stand down and think this shit over.

This is a completely new one, for me.

The idea just came to me earlier.

I think it's a stroke of genius. They can hardly refuse me anti sickness or pain medication, and they can hardly throw me onto the street.

I'd have complete control.

Spoken like someone in a truly deep state of delusion. I know there is nothing I can say to break that spell though. I hope you can get some proper care and reevaluate your life after that

I edited my post, as I think I was getting carried away a bit.

I truly appreciate your concern.

Thank you.

 

[Cockney_Rebel]

So I just tidied up my place, and I'm about to prepare myself.

That is, have a close shave, nice bath, dress smartly & style my hair. I had my hair cut today, especially for the occasion. I'm going on my journey, so I always do this.

I have to admit, though … I'm at stage 2. Fear has kicked in, but I need to do as I always do and fight through it.

Wish me luck with this one x.

 

[FuneralCry]

It does sound like an awful way to go, and this method can be unreliable. This life can be really can be cruel and I know how hard it is to carry on when you are suffering. I wish you well.

 

[sadbadpsychogirl]

This is a completely new one, for me.

The idea just came to me earlier.

I think it's a stroke of genius. They can hardly refuse me anti sickness or pain medication, and they can hardly throw me onto the street.

I'd have complete control.

I edited my post, as I think I was getting carried away a bit.

I truly appreciate your concern.

Thank you.

i don't think you will have much control at all you'll probably be sectioned. you seem to be addicted to attempting suicide. i can't judge but it seems pretty unhealthy

 

[Bedrock48]

I relate to these feelings all too much and I can't advise against without sounding like a massive hypocrite, seeing as I did similar only last week. Hope things go 'well' for you (whatever that looks like) or if you decide against that's great.

Best wishes

 

[Cockney_Rebel]

I relate to these feelings all too much and I can't advise against without sounding like a massive hypocrite, seeing as I did similar only last week. Hope things go 'well' for you (whatever that looks like) or if you decide against that's great.

Best wishes

I was going to explode on you.

I think that maybe because I've come off of all of the medication. Two months, now.
I'd like to think that you mean well, but the intrusive thoughts have been pummelling me.

I'm struggling.

I'm have a drink with my neighbour. Also sniffing diazepam. When she goes, I intend to take an overdose, and so shred my body with one of the Stanley blades that I have. Brand new.

I think I desire chaos. It's what I've become addicted to, and feel most comfortable with.

I want the blood to infect everything. I don't like to say this, but I think I'm becoming a bit psychotic.

I hate this, be used as far as I am concerned they are experimenting on me. Don't want to offer me any help, but just want to pump we with drugs.

Fuck that.

I'm not a cutter, but I want the blood. If drink it, I'm so fucked up I'm willing to go to the next belief.

Wishing you well x.

 

[Cockney_Rebel]

Update:

So I never went through with it.

Feel like an absolute fucking coward. I have never backed out before.

Now contemplating on doing it tomorrow. At least that way, I'll be guaranteed to be in hospital for my birthday on Sunday, which is where I like to be.

I did cut myself on Friday, to punish myself.

Ended up with the police, ambulance, and fire brigade around here in the early hours! Luckily they never put my front door in again. That would have been my 4th front door in just over two years!

Anyway, I really hope I can go through with it tomorrow.

I'm desperate for it, now.

 

[poisonedminds]

don't call it a suicide attempt if the intention is not to die

 

[Cockney_Rebel]

don't call it a suicide attempt if the intention is not to die

Read my original post.

"It's only going to be a paracetamol overdose (48) but I'm planning on doing this one differently. Yes, I'll call to alert someone once I've taken them. However, I'm going to refuse the NAC antidote. I'm just going to request that they put me onto a ward, let me lay in bed, and offer me anti sickness medication.

Before you say anything, I know this is going to be gruelling.

I'll ride this one out, and allow myself to die of organ failure. I know, I know, it's meant to be extremely painful. But I'm sure they will administer pain relief."