Can't seem to take the next steps

[PumpkinLatte1]

I'm 33 years old and have been struggling with thoughts of suicide off and on for almost twenty years. I've been on about 30 different medication, been in therapy with a couple different therapists for about 15 years, and have tried various other forms of treatment.

Lately the idea of continuing life feels unbearable. I've been dealing with the aftereffects of childhood SA (particularly my family's reaction to my disclosure) and an eating disorder. It feels like things don't get better in any major way, and even though life is "ok" right now in terms of external situations, I never seem to experience positive emotions.

I've been feeling frustrated with myself because I feel like I've determined that I don't want my life to continue, but I won't take steps to actually end it. I think I get scared, and also overwhelmed by everything that I feel like I'd have to do before ending my life (I want my will to be completed, the business I own to be closed, I want to get rid of most belongings, etc.). I want to leave as little of a "mess" as possible when I go. I have family that I care about (father, sister, etc.) and I want to take away as much of the difficulty as I can.

Sometimes I try to take a step (like going through belongings or working on my will) and it feels like a relief and like I can look forward to something, but taking the bigger steps feels really hard, and brings up so much sadness that I can't bring myself to do it. So I feel like I've made myself be stuck with being alive, because I won't harm myself without taking these other steps, but also can't bring myself to take those steps.

Any thoughts, advice, or anyone who can relate?

 

[Redacted24]

Oh my yes.
I'm in a bad domestic situation that's terrible for my mental health. I'm working on getting separated but that's turning needlessly contentious and delaying things. I'm working on ending my life... as it is now.

Once I'm out of this toxic place I'll reevaluate whether it's better to end the physical part of life.

But even ending my life as it is I'm struggling with. I go through boxes to sort out and get rid of things, to prepare for selling the house and to leave as little for others to deal with once I'm gone. But I get stuck with things that are not replaceable and meaningful to me. So I repack.

It's kind of self sabotage. I know it needs to be done to break from the past so I can move on. But the photos of happier times, it's just final when they go in the recycling bin.

I told my therapist that I'm setting a goal to just donate and trash stuff over the holidays.

I'm hoping I can. Gotta try, right?

 

[PumpkinLatte1]

Oh my yes.
I'm in a bad domestic situation that's terrible for my mental health. I'm working on getting separated but that's turning needlessly contentious and delaying things. I'm working on ending my life... as it is now.

Once I'm out of this toxic place I'll reevaluate whether it's better to end the physical part of life.

But even ending my life as it is I'm struggling with. I go through boxes to sort out and get rid of things, to prepare for selling the house and to leave as little for others to deal with once I'm gone. But I get stuck with things that are not replaceable and meaningful to me. So I repack.

It's kind of self sabotage. I know it needs to be done to break from the past so I can move on. But the photos of happier times, it's just final when they go in the recycling bin.

I told my therapist that I'm setting a goal to just donate and trash stuff over the holidays.

I'm hoping I can. Gotta try, right?

I hope that when you are out of that situation, ending your life as a whole no longer feels like a necessary option.

I'm glad that you have a therapist (I do too) and I hope that is a helpful source of support in the meantime.

Glad to hear I'm not alone in the packing, unpacking, and repacking of sentimental and other items though!

 

[delacs]

Hello,

I'm sorry to hear of your struggles.

I find some cosmic irony in that I just made my first thread post within an hour of this, and am the same age (33) with a few other details such as therapy and medications, SA (though I didn't discuss it in my post), and eating disorder that I found relatable.

Before I continue, I just want to wish you peace regardless of your decision(s) - whether that's living or not, that you find what you're looking for.

I've been feeling frustrated with myself because I feel like I've determined that I don't want my life to continue, but I won't take steps to actually end it. I think I get scared, and also overwhelmed by everything that I feel like I'd have to do before ending my life

I just wanted to say that I feel like there's a true "force" in life - like our biology/bodies/society and life itself (in some obscure way) try to keep us slogging through. It often feels like you don't have a lot of agency (even in situations you "do have agency"). What I mean is you're forced to find work/family/friends/relationships to survive, and there are a lot of challenges/hurdles in the way that take a lot of skill/time/energy/investment. It's like, impossible to live alone without struggle on a minimum wage job, and if you don't have family/friends/relationships, the depression becomes unbearable. And despite this, we feel forced to slog through and "rise up".

And os hearing about things that get in the way or feeling scared or overwhelmed, it's the forces of life just pulling us, I think.

IDK, why I'm even responding to this, it just resonated with me and I'm sick of these "forces", and so I hope to say that you find peace with whatever direction you take.

 

[PumpkinLatte1]

Thank you for responding. It is nice to not be alone.

And I agree, there to seem to be these forces that keep us going, whether we want them to be there or not.