Can't Go Through With It Yet

[HappyEnder]

I've spent the past two to four weeks in the pursuit of everything I need for my chosen method to CTB: Sodium Nitrite. I have the SN, the antiemetics, the stomach acid reducers, and even the scale to measure out 15g-20g of SN. And now that it's all here, now that I can choose to leave any night I want, I feel more trapped than ever.

I live with my family and doing it somewhere else is more or less impossible. I actually planned on today being the day, but by noon I was feeling queasy at the thought of my family waking up to my body—my younger brother in particular. Leading up to today, I had excitement and hope for a kind of ultimate relaxation, and, now, I can't bring myself to do it; that hope has been partially dashed, and just :(

I've not tried anti-depressants or any other form of real help, so maybe I'd be better off trying that? Have any of you experienced what I've described? Would it be wise for me to seek help? I made a post a few days ago regarding one of my family members discovering my suicidal thoughts and therapy was thrown on the table.

 

[Made4TV]

I think listen to your gut and try maybe some therapy or anti-depressant. If it doesn't work, then you can say you've tried? I'm poised to do it but on the fence myself about some things and I'm not going to rush anything. You have the stuff. You can always do it at some point down the road...like you have that as a safety net.

 

[LetMeDiePlease]

Ask yourself: Do you really want to die?
No -> then don't
Yes -> then eat the sodium nitrite
What will you really accomplish by seeking help? You'll only get put in a mental hospital by people telling you not to die.

 

[Finallyhere]

I've been suicidal off and on for ten years. Only started taking meds this year. It's made it worse. All I want to do is ctb.

What's stopping me is what's stopping you: family. But I have a different belief in what will happen when I die and it's very selfish. I'm delusional and I believe in the end it will bring my disfunctional family a lot of pain, but they will also be closer/more loving towards each other.

 

[Amira]

Yes before you make a serious decision of CTB. I suggest you make list of pros and cons of both choices. CTB should only be an option if it is your last resort. CTB should be your last choice. You are better off trying it. Then a least you can CTB knowing that you faught and tried your best to make your life better. Try both anti depressants and therapy. If there are other options try them too.Therapy and then anti depressants. Don't go by other people's experiences. I think therapy and anti depressants can work some and not for others. You will only ever know until you try. You might end up regretting it if you don't consider that option. I think it would also lessen the guilt of your family if you tried but still ended up choosing to CTB if it doesn't work out because then they will know everything was done to try and help you. There won't be any " What if's" .

 

[Made4TV]

Ask yourself: Do you really want to die?
No -> then don't
Yes -> then eat the sodium nitrite
What will you really accomplish by seeking help? You'll only get put in a mental hospital by people telling you not to die.

This is not a given.

 

[TAW122]

Whatever you do, do NOT tell any healthcare professional about your plans or your intentions of ctb'ing! Also, do not tell your family, nor your best friend, or anyone you are close to about it as you risk being detained against your will, locked up and end up with an even worse life (medical bills for stuff you never asked for, another mark on your health records which shows up in a bg check, additional suffering by pro-life spiel and rhetoric, etc.).

I have yet to obtain my method, but will pretty soon, so I can't answer that question just yet.

As far as anti-depressants are concerned, no I haven't tried those before, but according to what I've heard is that it makes you lethargic, almost like a zombie. Sure you might not have as much motivation to ctb, but you also lose motivation to do other stuff like improving your life or other productive things. Now there are others' who have different reactions to it so they may have better reactions to it and what not.

Basically, seeking help is like a fucking trap, vicious cycle of persecution, poverty (if you have money they will drain it, i.e. involuntary commitment and hospital bills for services you never requested but were forced on you), and being trapped in the mental health system (which is basically like prison). Just thinking about the barbaric and criminal treatment of people who haven't broken the law or did anything illegal just turns my stomach and makes me want to ctb even more.

Edit: Anyways, if you really want to seek help, I would tread really, really carefully because just saying the wrong thing can have really serious consequences. Never ever mention that you have a plan, means to carry it out, and I might even go as far as to say you aren't suicidal (yes it's a lie, but it's just too risky nowadays, because all it takes is for an mental health professional to think you are a danger to yourself or others and then you pretty much have to go to the hospital). Personally, I wouldn't but it's your decision.

 

[HappyEnder]

I think listen to your gut and try maybe some therapy or anti-depressant. If it doesn't work, then you can say you've tried? I'm poised to do it but on the fence myself about some things and I'm not going to rush anything. You have the stuff. You can always do it at some point down the road...like you have that as a safety net.

That was basically what I was thinking. But, I've read so many horror stories of people feeling that antidepressants and/or psychiatry do more harm than good that I'm super hesitant. Maybe that perspective is based on a biased source, though? Those that actually do get better are probably less likely to vent about it.

Ask yourself: Do you really want to die?
No -> then don't
Yes -> then eat the sodium nitrite
What will you really accomplish by seeking help? You'll only get put in a mental hospital by people telling you not to die.

It's not so much what I'll accomplish, but what I'll avoid. I don't want to hurt my family if I don't need to. What you mention with being put in a mental hospital is definitely a giant fear, though.

I've been suicidal off and on for ten years. Only started taking meds this year. It's made it worse. All I want to do is ctb.

What's stopping me is what's stopping you: family. But I have a different belief in what will happen when I die and it's very selfish. I'm delusional and I believe in the end it will bring my disfunctional family a lot of pain, but they will also be closer/more loving towards each other.

I wouldn't use the word delusional if what you described is everything. It seems plausible that trauma could bring people closer together—of course it seems just as plausible that it could do the opposite. I wish I was close to moving out. I think my dream for CTB would be to do it without them actually knowing I did it.

Yes before you make a serious decision of CTB. I suggest you make list of pros and cons of both choices. CTB should only be an option if it is your last resort. CTB should be your last choice. You are better off trying it. Then a least you can CTB knowing that you faught and tried your best to make your life better. Try both anti depressants and therapy. If there are other options try them too.Therapy and then anti depressants. Don't go by other people's experiences. I think therapy and anti depressants can work some and not for others. You will only ever know until you try. You might end up regretting it if you don't consider that option. I think it would also lessen the guilt of your family if you tried but still ended up choosing to CTB if it doesn't work out because then they will know everything was done to try and help you. There won't be any " What if's" .

I took your advice and made a pros and cons list. It ended up with me just listing, for pros, "no more x" where x is a one of a few less than pleasant thing and, for the cons, there's the pain I'll bring to my friends and family. I don't know that I learned very much from it. I appreciate your advice though :)

 

[Amira]

That was basically what I was thinking. But, I've read so many horror stories of people feeling that antidepressants and/or psychiatry do more harm than good that I'm super hesitant. Maybe that perspective is based on a biased source, though? Those that actually do get better are probably less likely to vent about it.



It's not so much what I'll accomplish, but what I'll avoid. I don't want to hurt my family if I don't need to. What you mention with being put in a mental hospital is definitely a giant fear, though.



I wouldn't use the word delusional if what you described is everything. It seems plausible that trauma could bring people closer together—of course it seems just as plausible that it could do the opposite. I wish I was close to moving out. I think my dream for CTB would be to do it without them actually knowing I did it.



I took your advice and made a pros and cons list. It ended up with me just listing, for pros, "no more x" where x is a one of a few less than pleasant thing and, for the cons, there's the pain I'll bring to my friends and family. I don't know that I learned very much from it. I appreciate your advice though :)

I am sorry that i could not give you the best advice. I hope that you find a solution to this situation. I wish you all the best. All i can say is give the therapy and anti depressants a try. You have nothing to lose. If it doesnt work out then you've got your method for CTB ready.

 

[Lifeisatrap]

Whatever you do, do NOT tell any healthcare professional about your plans or your intentions of ctb'ing! Also, do not tell your family, nor your best friend, or anyone you are close to about it as you risk being detained against your will, locked up and end up with an even worse life (medical bills for stuff you never asked for, another mark on your health records which shows up in a bg check, additional suffering by pro-life spiel and rhetoric, etc.).

I have yet to obtain my method, but will pretty soon, so I can't answer that question just yet.

As far as anti-depressants are concerned, no I haven't tried those before, but according to what I've heard is that it makes you lethargic, almost like a zombie. Sure you might not have as much motivation to ctb, but you also lose motivation to do other stuff like improving your life or other productive things. Now there are others' who have different reactions to it so they may have better reactions to it and what not.

Basically, seeking help is like a fucking trap, vicious cycle of persecution, poverty (if you have money they will drain it, i.e. involuntary commitment and hospital bills for services you never requested but were forced on you), and being trapped in the mental health system (which is basically like prison). Just thinking about the barbaric and criminal treatment of people who haven't broken the law or did anything illegal just turns my stomach and makes me want to ctb even more.

Edit: Anyways, if you really want to seek help, I would tread really, really carefully because just saying the wrong thing can have really serious consequences. Never ever mention that you have a plan, means to carry it out, and I might even go as far as to say you aren't suicidal (yes it's a lie, but it's just too risky nowadays, because all it takes is for an mental health professional to think you are a danger to yourself or others and then you pretty much have to go to the hospital). Personally, I wouldn't but it's your decision.

This. I regret coming out to my therapist, not even having attempted I was institutionalized. It made me more certain of my suicide ideation. I would just stick to posting and venting here as this forum is basically the closest thing to therapy. At least you have your method ready for if the time ever does come. But it's your decision.

 

[Throwaway478953b]

I've spent the past two to four weeks in the pursuit of everything I need for my chosen method to CTB: Sodium Nitrite. I have the SN, the antiemetics, the stomach acid reducers, and even the scale to measure out 15g-20g of SN. And now that it's all here, now that I can choose to leave any night I want, I feel more trapped than ever.

I live with my family and doing it somewhere else is more or less impossible. I actually planned on today being the day, but by noon I was feeling queasy at the thought of my family waking up to my body—my younger brother in particular. Leading up to today, I had excitement and hope for a kind of ultimate relaxation, and, now, I can't bring myself to do it; that hope has been partially dashed, and just :(

I've not tried anti-depressants or any other form of real help, so maybe I'd be better off trying that? Have any of you experienced what I've described? Would it be wise for me to seek help? I made a post a few days ago regarding one of my family members discovering my suicidal thoughts and therapy was thrown on the table.

Woah. The survival instinct.


HaHaHaHaHaHAHahahahah

Such a disgusting thing. The survival instinct is such a joke.

 

[TiredHorse]

I've not tried anti-depressants or any other form of real help, so maybe I'd be better off trying that? Have any of you experienced what I've described? Would it be wise for me to seek help? I made a post a few days ago regarding one of my family members discovering my suicidal thoughts and therapy was thrown on the table.

As has been said, CTB should be the last resort. If you are listing things that you might yet try, you clearly aren't at the point where it is your last resort.

I will say that I have not tried antidepressants and refuse to do so. The last I read, they have a success rate of maybe 11% --and even that may not fully take into account the placebo effect. The side effects are by all accounts significant, and often worse than the affliction. Ain't no way in hell I'll use them.

The other side of that coin is that microdosing with mushrooms was fantastically theraputic for me: no side effects, and a definite improvement in quality of my life, especially for my anxiety. LSD was also good, though I used it less often, and I didn't like the faint immediate/acute effects very much. The only reason I'm not doing so now is that I built up enough resistance that the mushrooms lost efficacy. If you want to read up on microdosing, I recommend: https://thethirdwave.co/

I can also say that finding a therapist you can trust is a bitch. Or it can be. I went through seven in the last three years, and at this point have thrown up my hands. One of them was very good --both trustworthy (she had all the information she needed to lock me away and deliberately did not) and thoughtful-- but I went to her for couple's therapy, with my now ex, and I'm not sure I want to return to her now, solo. If I could give you one piece of advice, it's to approach therapists with the understanding it'll take a few cautious sessions of sounding them out before you can really open up. Also, you must realize that you don't need to stay with one who isn't the right fit. Not the first, not the second, not even the sixth. If it isn't a good fit, try another. Be picky! It's tough to tell someone, "I don't think I can work with you; I'm just not comfortable; can you recommend someone else?" but for therapists more than any other professional relationship, it's really important that you do so. And therapists know that you should be doing this. If a therapist gets snotty about you wanting to work with someone else, don't just turn your back and walk away --RUN! If she's any good, she'll happily hand you a list of others to try, and maybe even discuss them with you to try and help you find that good fit.

Your concerns about ctb --now, later, yes, no-- are entirely valid, and very smart. Approached cautiously and with the courage to eventually open up to the right therapist, I think you would be very wise to explore your options. After all, you can always catch the bus later, but it'll never turn around to drop you off where you boarded.

 

[Made4TV]

Here's what I'm saying though - you can get help without walking in and saying "I have all the stuff in my house to ctb right now." What you do is say - I've been feeling like things are hopeless. I can't see a light at the end of the tunnel and can't help thinking it would be better for me not to be here. I'm not sure where to go from here.

Now usually they ask - Do you have a plan. If so, say "nothing I'm prepared to act on right now" and if they press for details you can say "I don't feel comfortable talking about that right now." That is all you have to say. You can NOT walk in and say "well, you know, I just want to see how this goes because if it doesn't go well for me I'm going to go home and dive into my anti-emetics and SN and see ya on the flip side."

You need to learn how to talk about this without getting the red flags to go off. Because people are scared of liability. If you make them not liable you are fine. Seriously. If you do *not* have a plan that is immediately actionable, in the United States they don't hold you. It's more trouble to them to hold you honestly and to try to get you locked up. I have had lots of years of mental health care in the US and I know what to say to get locked up...or to not get locked up.

IF you ever get in a situation where they start to be acting like they're going to lock you up - act quickly and say that you are willing to contract for safety. They love that shit. You tell them you will not ctb for "x" number of hours, say, until the next appointment. At the worst they may have you write it down and sign it (for a lot of people, that stops them, believe it or not). You can assure them you know what to do should the thoughts get unbearable (I will call this crisis line, or I will go to the ER). Just say what you have to say - you are IN control here. Really. Just be smart. Don't freak them out. No one wants to be the last contact before someone CTBs, so all you have to do is make sure they feel that they are not it.

Don't let people scare you from getting help if you want to try that.

 

[TiredHorse]

Don't let people scare you from getting help if you want to try that.

I could not agree more. Made4TV, that's all very well said.

 

[Made4TV]

Also - I'd like to add a plug for something called DBT therapy. It's dialectical behavioural therapy, and I think it can really help some people. Some programs offer a course on it in the evenings, or during the days and in the U.S. many insurances will even pay for part of it. Some mental health community programs have some free classes in some of the skills too. These are skills that have helped me a lot in areas like interpersonal (relationships), talking about boundaries, codependency, stuff like that. Patterns of thinking and acting that we can get stuck in. I have been in the mental health system (in and out) for over 30 years and there is some helpful stuff out there. I am suicidal because I have chronic long-term issues like DID (multiple personality) and it's caused me an inability to work full time, and I am losing everything financially, and have no more money to pay for the in-depth trauma therapy I need. I have had a lot of different anti-depressants and have only had a couple of bad side effects. But I still have had some - weight gain and sexual side effects. But honestly, I have gotten a TON of help from individual and group therapy that has helped me cope a lot with things over the years. So...I'm really not a rah-rah-pro-life-at-all-costs person (at ALL - I post about methods on here). But I've seen some therapies really help people....and I just think....if you haven't given it a shot and you're on the fence...check some stuff out. Or not. Up to you. :) The community is here for you with whatever you decide. But it is a self-selecting group we're in....so that's why there are so many therapy/shrink/med horror stories here. It's not representative of the whole. That said...don't take something if you don't feel comfortable with it. A lot can be done with DBT and CBT type of therapies, depending on the issue. Sorry, I'll shut up now. :D But seriously I support you whatever you decide. It's gotta be right for you.

 

[deathbycakes]

anti-depressant could help, its anti-psychotic that makes you like a zombie (in my experience)

 

[Shewaitsforme]

Yes right here, feel more trapped than befire now i have the nitrogen. Whats that all about. I thought it would bring dome sort of peace but it hasnt its just made it all very real. All well and good planning and resesrching but when its here is a whole different ball game.

 

[Jenna]

I just got mine a couple of days ago. I know what you mean. I'm dealing with bad insomnia and needed to be able to function to get it.