Venting Can't even do it

[E.B.M]

Man it dos feel bad the moment you realize that you are so useless to even get yourself
Took about 3000mg of paracetamol, 200mg of some sleeping pills and another considerable dose of painkillers as well as quite a few beers hoping to boost pain inhibition in the hope that I would be able to commit myself into actually ctb but oh boy even after freezing my arm cold with ice it didn't stop any feeling at all

I dont get how or why this has to be so darm hard to perform

I just needed to vent a little considering everyone is having a blast and I've been here laying on my bed for the last month or so with no energy to do anything, it has also translated into physical pain and anxiety episodes not to mention those also come in stronger each time I exit my home, can't even hear loud noises at this point because they detonate my anxiety,

I barely have a person trying to help me through but oh man it feels like I'm a goddamn load to carry, asking for someone to help is so damn exhausting etc etc

Now I'm dizzy as hell thanks to the nice cocktail of moderate pain killers and alcohol
If I had to describe this to be somewhat understandable
I feel useless, frustrated, angry, a weight for those that care for me (which at this point is only one person and she seems to be starting to leave me behind thanks to my terrible stability) and in goddamn pain and I can't find the reason to why I'm in this deep hole of agony nor to why I have to endure it

 

[UKscotty]

Pain killers, sleeping pills and alcohol are just a recipe for a terrible hangover.

None are reliable, even prescription only ones ate not very good.

 

[FuneralCry]

I find it so horrible how we cannot just have the option to easily die in peace even know we never consented to existing here in the first place. We really shouldn't have to struggle so much to leave this existence, it must be awful what you are going through.