Can't do it

[Tiredman]

Everytime I've attempted it I fail. I Tried atleast a couple times with hanging and panicked so now I'm too scared to try that method again. Plus it's a pretty gruesome way to find a body and I wouldn't want anyone to have to see me with my eyes/tongue bulging out, and purple faced with a stretched out neck. It would be traumatizing even for people that didnt know me.

I also feel guilty that I'll be leaving my parents considering I'm their only kid. My mom's a really good person and it I feel horrible everytime I see/talk to her knowing shes trying her hardest to be there for me. She'll be totally destroyed when I go and so will my Dad but I literally have no way of getting past my chronic health issues and leaving this gruelling existence is the only way I'll truly be at peace. My dad has been struggling with depression for years and if I go he'll likely try to commit suicide aswell and that's the other main reason why I can't do it. I just feel like I'm only choosing to stay alive to make sure they dont suffer... even though It means I have to suffer to do so.

I wish I could just win the lottery to make sure they're taken care of before I ctb because they've literally done nothing but try to help me without asking for anything in return and I feel that I owe it them before I go.

If only I had a time machine to undo all my shitty choices that have led me here..

 

[FroggMan]

Your story sounds so much like mine friend. It eats me alive. This world can be so terrible.
Sometimes I want to run away. Just be disconnected from it all. I like to loose myself in sci-fi films or movies of other times. Movies of old times or times yet to come. I think of the people in them and the world and that a lonely suicide in that context seems so much easier. There has been hundreds of thousands of years of modern human civilization leading up to today, I think of all the terrible things that have been done and how to me so little of it matters now. What has always mattered more to me is the people of the now. Family, friends, responsibility etc. In the grand scale of things what is one lonely suicide? But at the same time it's so hard to do in other context. In the context of friends and family. :(
Hard decisions. Inevitably clear in a way for me. But very hard decisions. It may be drunk me overstepping but I wish I could hug you pal. Wish we could all find happiness

 

[Deathcards]

Its a difficult decision to make and requires a leap of faith. Sometimes when Im drunk I feel like i could just do it, but nothing is prepared so I hesitate. The rope, noose, it all has to be setup and ready to go. Years ago I was living alone, had the money, and had a better chance of killing myself, and I regret it now totally i didnt do it back then. I was just too lazy, or thought i could still 'make it'. My life is pretty much me thinking I have a chance at surviving, trying, only to fail completely, over and over again. Not all of us are made up to be champions you know? About your parents, I've learned that its just a matter of overcoming them. People seek approval from our friends and mostly parents, we don't want them to think we're failures, but that's merely programmed into us through evolution ( you can go look it up, i think its a trait in all primates). You can overcome the need for approval, just like you can overcome our other instincts such as hunger, or wanting to sleep. So what if your parents sees you in pieces? that's just you wanting approval from them, and they're not even the ones that make up the laws.

 

[Tiredman]

I decided to go with buying N, atleast then I'll be able to be presentable at a funeral. I am leaving the rest of my savings to my parents to help pay for funeral expenses. Luckily for me my uncle owns a funeral home so it won't be that expensive to cremate/bury me. Now I just have to wait for A to get back to me so I can get my N.