Can't decide if I should CTB or go all in on my hobbies. Input greatly appreciated.

[henry22]

I'm a woman in my 20s. I became ill a few months ago. It has been a very stressful, expensive, lonely process to try to get it under control and I will need to take many medications and supplements for the rest of my life as it is incurable. Additionally, the illness has changed my face significantly and I am visibly balding. I look much older than I am. I am unpartnered and now don't expect to fulfill my dream of starting a family as I have become very unattractive and visibly unhealthy. Furthermore, the illness has killed my sex drive. The sudden change in my appearance has been destroying my mental health. Friends, family, and physicians have all confirmed that my appearance has drastically changed. My life will never be the same.

I feel that I've lost a lot of opportunities. Doors have closed. I am young but I do not look young. My life trajectory has changed. It has not gotten any easier to look at my reflection. As a chronic illness, it will have to be dealt with forever and I just don't want to do it. Moreover, I feel a lot of guilt for creating the conditions for this illness to manifest and I don't know if I can ever get over that. There is so much trauma behind what's led to this point that haunts me.

I feel like I have two options: ctb or forget my appearance, forget that I probably won't find love, forget what could have been and just go all in on my hobbies. I have always loved fitness. Weightlifting, distance running, distance swimming. Maybe I should just dedicate myself to getting to the next level with my hobbies and just accept that my life path is different. I'll be ugly but I can maybe distract myself by doing what feels good to me.

I am leaning more towards ctb. Being in public with my new face, interacting with people--it's all different now. I don't know if I can forget that I'm just using my hobbies to cope with a sad reality. And I don't know if I want to sign up for a lifetime of health problems. I'm sick of all the medications I have to take. I'm sick of the upkeep. As I get older, things will only get worse inside and out.

 

[just_so_done]

I am so sorry to hear about all of your health issues and the drastic impact it has had on your life. Many don't realize how chronic illness is more than just the one illness, its a ripple effect into every part of your life, forcing you to struggle, give up dreams, fight to stay afloat. And I'm sorry you have to go through this.

When wavering between ctb or throwing yourself into your hobbies, i say try the hobbies. What do you have to lose? ctb will always be an option but if you choose it now when you're not necessarily ready it could either be a permanent solution or you end up in a worst state if it doesn't work. Take it day by day and who knows where really focusing on fitness may take you. And don't forget, while there are shallow ppl who judge ppl on appearance, you're a part of an online community who supports you regardless of how you look. To me, you're "H" (user profile) is absolutely beautiful :), such a nice blue! You're not alone. Whatever you decide I understand, just wanted to share my thoughts with you <3

 

[Unwr!tten]

In my opinion, CTB should be your last option, go in on your hobbies and if it doesn't work then CTB.

 

[spinningship]

I'm really sorry this is happening to you. Life isn't fair.

I would give it time. You've been through a massive change and it's going to take a long time to adjust your expectations to fit your new reality. It must be really hard to know what it's like and how you are treated when you look a certain way and then have to see that all fall away and realize how superficial others are. I know what it's like to hate seeing yourself in a mirror.

I think immersing yourself in your hobbies would be a great way to start rebuilding your confidence and establishing pride in something that isn't related to your appearance.

This is going to be a mental adjustment that will take place over the course of potentially years. It's like an explosion has taken place, and I'm simply saying you should wait for the rubble to settle before you make any drastic decisions about your life.

If you haven't already and can afford it i'm sure there are therapists who specialise in things like this.

 

[Slark]

Hey how's it going? May I know which chronic disease you have? I have Crohn's disease and during the treatment I needed to take medications that changed my appearance, but this was not permanent (The medications that changed my appearance were corticosteroids). Today I am undergoing treatment with biological drugs and my appearance is back to normal. There are several biological medicines for diseases of the immune system, maybe one is for you. I think CTB should be the last try, so try your hobbies first and maybe there are still some medical solutions for you.

 

[SleepingLessons]

I'm so sorry that you're going through this, it sounds incredibly difficult to deal with, and I can't imagine how hard it must be to see yourself changing in such a short period of time. But as others have said, CTB should be your last option. It sounds like you absolutely still have things to live for. There's no way to discount the way that physical appearance can have an effect on quality of life, and it's totally valid to feel the way you're feeling, but there is also much more to live for than how you look. Dealing with chronic illness seems so incredibly difficult, so it's absolutely understandable that you're considering CTB. But before you do, maybe consider therapy if that's possible for you? It seems like a lot of what you're struggling with could benefit from being talked through with somebody who can deal with it in an understanding way, and if you still have passion for your hobbies then there's still a lot to live for. You seem like a beautiful and amazing person, regardless of physical appearance, and there's always the possibility of finding someone who will realise that in "real life". And no matter what, you can know that this is always a place to fall back on.

The recovery section of this forum is a fantastic place for support, no matter how hard things get. You're processing and dealing with a lot right now, and it's okay to be uncertain. Give yourself time, and if you can, work towards giving yourself love. We're here for you no matter what path you choose.

 

[henry22]

I am so sorry to hear about all of your health issues and the drastic impact it has had on your life. Many don't realize how chronic illness is more than just the one illness, its a ripple effect into every part of your life, forcing you to struggle, give up dreams, fight to stay afloat. And I'm sorry you have to go through this.

When wavering between ctb or throwing yourself into your hobbies, i say try the hobbies. What do you have to lose? ctb will always be an option but if you choose it now when you're not necessarily ready it could either be a permanent solution or you end up in a worst state if it doesn't work. Take it day by day and who knows where really focusing on fitness may take you. And don't forget, while there are shallow ppl who judge ppl on appearance, you're a part of an online community who supports you regardless of how you look. To me, you're "H" (user profile) is absolutely beautiful :), such a nice blue! You're not alone. Whatever you decide I understand, just wanted to share my thoughts with you <3

Thank you for this supportive message. Your comment about chronic illness being a ripple effect makes me feel so seen. I think for people who aren't familiar with chronic illness, they just don't know the extent to which it permeates your entire life. You don't just get diagnosed and treated. It uproots you.

It's like an explosion has taken place, and I'm simply saying you should wait for the rubble to settle before you make any drastic decisions about your life.

I didn't think of it like that. I feel like I'm thinking clearly but the circumstances are such that I may not be.

I'm so sorry that you're going through this, it sounds incredibly difficult to deal with, and I can't imagine how hard it must be to see yourself changing in such a short period of time. But as others have said, CTB should be your last option. It sounds like you absolutely still have things to live for. There's no way to discount the way that physical appearance can have an effect on quality of life, and it's totally valid to feel the way you're feeling, but there is also much more to live for than how you look. Dealing with chronic illness seems so incredibly difficult, so it's absolutely understandable that you're considering CTB. But before you do, maybe consider therapy if that's possible for you? It seems like a lot of what you're struggling with could benefit from being talked through with somebody who can deal with it in an understanding way, and if you still have passion for your hobbies then there's still a lot to live for. You seem like a beautiful and amazing person, regardless of physical appearance, and there's always the possibility of finding someone who will realise that in "real life". And no matter what, you can know that this is always a place to fall back on.

The recovery section of this forum is a fantastic place for support, no matter how hard things get. You're processing and dealing with a lot right now, and it's okay to be uncertain. Give yourself time, and if you can, work towards giving yourself love. We're here for you no matter what path you choose.

I appreciate your encouragement. Thank you.

 

[SoftWorries]

If you're able to enjoy things I don't think it's time yet. If you have hobbies, dreams and wishes you can pursue you have plenty of life force in you x

 

[unnormal9]

Do you want. You'll make up your mind eventually.

 

[FuneralCry]

Strangers on the internet cannot make the decision for you as it's not their existence. It's a personal decision deciding what to do but anyway I wish you the best.

 

[Linda]

I'm a woman in my 20s. I became ill a few months ago. It has been a very stressful, expensive, lonely process to try to get it under control and I will need to take many medications and supplements for the rest of my life as it is incurable. Additionally, the illness has changed my face significantly and I am visibly balding. I look much older than I am. I am unpartnered and now don't expect to fulfill my dream of starting a family as I have become very unattractive and visibly unhealthy. Furthermore, the illness has killed my sex drive. The sudden change in my appearance has been destroying my mental health. Friends, family, and physicians have all confirmed that my appearance has drastically changed. My life will never be the same.

I feel that I've lost a lot of opportunities. Doors have closed. I am young but I do not look young. My life trajectory has changed. It has not gotten any easier to look at my reflection. As a chronic illness, it will have to be dealt with forever and I just don't want to do it. Moreover, I feel a lot of guilt for creating the conditions for this illness to manifest and I don't know if I can ever get over that. There is so much trauma behind what's led to this point that haunts me.

I feel like I have two options: ctb or forget my appearance, forget that I probably won't find love, forget what could have been and just go all in on my hobbies. I have always loved fitness. Weightlifting, distance running, distance swimming. Maybe I should just dedicate myself to getting to the next level with my hobbies and just accept that my life path is different. I'll be ugly but I can maybe distract myself by doing what feels good to me.

I am leaning more towards ctb. Being in public with my new face, interacting with people--it's all different now. I don't know if I can forget that I'm just using my hobbies to cope with a sad reality. And I don't know if I want to sign up for a lifetime of health problems. I'm sick of all the medications I have to take. I'm sick of the upkeep. As I get older, things will only get worse inside and out.

My feeling is that you should try the hobbies, and see how it goes. It if doesn't work out well, you can always ctb then. But you can't ctb first and then try the hobbies later.

 

[pickajack]

Your hobbies sound rad. In my experience, physically challenging activities, especially moving fast, being in water and lifting heavy shit are things that actually made me feel vibrant, alive and confident. Especially cold water swimming and diving. I had my own physical crash at a relatively young age when I was feeling strong and it sure is a blow.

Glad to hear that you are still able to do your hobbies.
Sorry you're going through this difficult time. Sending you big encouragement.

 

[EmpathyMinded]

I'm a woman in my 20s. I became ill a few months ago. It has been a very stressful, expensive, lonely process to try to get it under control and I will need to take many medications and supplements for the rest of my life as it is incurable. Additionally, the illness has changed my face significantly and I am visibly balding. I look much older than I am. I am unpartnered and now don't expect to fulfill my dream of starting a family as I have become very unattractive and visibly unhealthy. Furthermore, the illness has killed my sex drive. The sudden change in my appearance has been destroying my mental health. Friends, family, and physicians have all confirmed that my appearance has drastically changed. My life will never be the same.

I feel that I've lost a lot of opportunities. Doors have closed. I am young but I do not look young. My life trajectory has changed. It has not gotten any easier to look at my reflection. As a chronic illness, it will have to be dealt with forever and I just don't want to do it. Moreover, I feel a lot of guilt for creating the conditions for this illness to manifest and I don't know if I can ever get over that. There is so much trauma behind what's led to this point that haunts me.

I feel like I have two options: ctb or forget my appearance, forget that I probably won't find love, forget what could have been and just go all in on my hobbies. I have always loved fitness. Weightlifting, distance running, distance swimming. Maybe I should just dedicate myself to getting to the next level with my hobbies and just accept that my life path is different. I'll be ugly but I can maybe distract myself by doing what feels good to me.

I am leaning more towards ctb. Being in public with my new face, interacting with people--it's all different now. I don't know if I can forget that I'm just using my hobbies to cope with a sad reality. And I don't know if I want to sign up for a lifetime of health problems. I'm sick of all the medications I have to take. I'm sick of the upkeep. As I get older, things will only get worse inside and out.

If you can't decide, then wait for now. You need to be sure of your decision on CTB before you do it. And as long as you are doing that, why not go all in on the hobbies? Even if you ultimately decide you want to leave anyway, at least you can make this time you are still here happier and more fulfilling for you. You deserve that.

For what it's worth, I think you are placing too much stock in appearance. For one, your life having value isn't predicated on that. Your soul is within you and nothing showing outwardly can ever touch that beauty the soul can have. And it is very clear to me you have a beautiful soul. For two, not everyone is judgmental about you the way you are with yourself. I've seen countless people who are deformed or amputated or altered dramatically in other ways in appearance find someone who sees the beauty in them regardless of that. Maybe it creates more hurdles finding a partner, but it isn't literally impossible. And when it is difficult you just have to remember everyone struggles to find someone decent. Whatever degree you are dealing with, it's still a very normal human journey in that sense. Given your specific habits, all the more reason to believe you can find someone. Having passion for something and also taking care of yo ur body in that way will be very attractive to someone.

Wait and try to make things work if you feel interested in that, I say. The worst that can happen is something you already know. Because you already know, you have nothing to be afraid of and can be fearless. That makes you a badass. Go for it. I'm pulling for you all the way. Whatever you decide I'd love to hear how things go for you from here.

 

[henry22]

If you can't decide, then wait for now. You need to be sure of your decision on CTB before you do it. And as long as you are doing that, why not go all in on the hobbies? Even if you ultimately decide you want to leave anyway, at least you can make this time you are still here happier and more fulfilling for you. You deserve that.

For what it's worth, I think you are placing too much stock in appearance. For one, your life having value isn't predicated on that. Your soul is within you and nothing showing outwardly can ever touch that beauty the soul can have. And it is very clear to me you have a beautiful soul. For two, not everyone is judgmental about you the way you are with yourself. I've seen countless people who are deformed or amputated or altered dramatically in other ways in appearance find someone who sees the beauty in them regardless of that. Maybe it creates more hurdles finding a partner, but it isn't literally impossible. And when it is difficult you just have to remember everyone struggles to find someone decent. Whatever degree you are dealing with, it's still a very normal human journey in that sense. Given your specific habits, all the more reason to believe you can find someone. Having passion for something and also taking care of yo ur body in that way will be very attractive to someone.

Wait and try to make things work if you feel interested in that, I say. The worst that can happen is something you already know. Because you already know, you have nothing to be afraid of and can be fearless. That makes you a badass. Go for it. I'm pulling for you all the way. Whatever you decide I'd love to hear how things go for you from here.

I appreciate your response. I'm digesting all of your responses thoroughly. I'm still very much stuck but I am seeing the value in waiting.

Something that I'd like to note is that part of why I got so sick was because of the stressful career path I chose. And I chose that path when I was young, insecure, and not in touch with my authentic self. Moreover, it was a trauma-informed decision. If I decide to stick it out, I will still be in this career. I am having a hard time accepting that I've traded a lifetime of health, my youth, and opportunity for a reward that means nothing to me. Perhaps I will find a partner and start a family, but I sure put myself on an uphill climb. The pain of the regret seems extinguishable only by ctb.

 

[EmpathyMinded]

I appreciate your response. I'm digesting all of your responses thoroughly. I'm still very much stuck but I am seeing the value in waiting.

Something that I'd like to note is that part of why I got so sick was because of the stressful career path I chose. And I chose that path when I was young, insecure, and not in touch with my authentic self. Moreover, it was a trauma-informed decision. If I decide to stick it out, I will still be in this career. I am having a hard time accepting that I've traded a lifetime of health, my youth, and opportunity for a reward that means nothing to me. Perhaps I will find a partner and start a family, but I sure put myself on an uphill climb. The pain of the regret seems extinguishable only by ctb.

I'm not pretending our situations are the same whatsoever, but for what it's worth I can relate to having job stress induced health issues. At my job before last I came down with shingles entirely because I was so stressed out about that job. Because it is shingles it did heal eventually, but regardless that was a wake up call that I need to put my health and happiness first than the arbitrary reasons I stayed in that job. It sounds like you sorely needed the same yourself. So I hope that change can be a springboard to better mental and physical health alike.

 

[henry22]

I'm not pretending our situations are the same whatsoever, but for what it's worth I can relate to having job stress induced health issues. At my job before last I came down with shingles entirely because I was so stressed out about that job. Because it is shingles it did heal eventually, but regardless that was a wake up call that I need to put my health and happiness first than the arbitrary reasons I stayed in that job. It sounds like you sorely needed the same yourself. So I hope that change can be a springboard to better mental and physical health alike.

Wow, that is pretty serious. You have to be fairly vulnerable to get shingles so I can imagine how stressed you must have been. My situation was a wake up call for me too. I'm glad someone understands.

 

[Alice.]

Remember, CTB is a final solution, no going back type thing. It sounds like you could have a great life if you make the right choices. You can't let your looks hold you back for anything, and I strongly urge you to at least try to enjoy your hobbies. Who knows, maybe you could one day have a career doing one of the things you love?

 

[Someone123]

It is your decision what is best. If you do try hobbies, please keep in mind that what makes hobbies rewarding in the end is sharing them with others, whether in a club or in some other situation- in person interactino is what is really needed to make it enough. My guess is that trying hobbies and tryinbg to have good social interactions with them is a good start, with ctb as a backup plan, but it is your decision and no one can really know your whole situation as well as you do.

 

[jorheslen428]

In my opinion suicide is a personal choice but should always be the last resort, after you've tried everything else.

You're going through a major life change because of this illness and mentioned loneliness, do you have adequate social support? Have you tried therapy? You still have hobbies, is it worth living for them? Have you joined a support group for people with similar issues?

You won't know until you try. If I were you I'd give it time to see if you can adjust to this change. Like others have said, you can always choose suicide later.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I'm so sorry this has happened to you. It sounds like you feel guilty that you got this illness. I REALLY think you should try to forgive yourself- you have enough to deal with as it is. Perhaps you made some unwise choices- that you regret now but we all make mistakes. Chance just seems to be more forgiving of some people than others. Some people do all the right, healthy things and still get ill.

My opinion- for what its worth- is- if you still have any enthusiasm for life- and your hobbies sound awesome- you might be able to fulfil your life through them. Like others have said- CTB will always be there later if things become too much. I hope you can still find some happiness in life till then but I'm sorry life has thrown you such a curved ball.