Venting Can't cope tonight

[jbear824]

I'm so scared. I'm terrified. If I don't leave this life soon, the things I will be forced to endure before natural death takes me will be unbearable. I just want to start screaming and not stop. I want to cry myself to death, I wish that was possible. I'm so scared of so many things. I feel too scared to live. I'm afraid of life, and I don't want it.

But at the same time... I love my partner with my whole being. And he is a wonderful human being that I honestly feel like I don't deserve. I don't want to leave him. I don't want bad things to happen to this innocent, wholesome human. And I'm so scared of bad things happening to him.

And life right now for us, is heading into truly bleak and hopeless territory. Mainly be ause we're gonna be on the street before the year is over, and I have no idea how to survive when we have nothing. Like all I know how to do is sit somewhere until someone asks if I need help. I am not a competent adult. I've always gotten help my whole life, and I have no idea how to survive without help. I never learned that from the people in my life growing up.

I can't keep me and my partner alive in homelessness. I can't keep us safe but can't save us. And the suffering he will endure because of that is...beyond what I can tolerate. Which is why I just want to die. But that would mean abandoning him all on his own, which would mean he would die, and that would be my fault.

I can't live like this, but I have to. I hate this. i hate this conflict of feelings. And he knows I want to die, and his heart breaks because he thinks it's because I don't want to be with him. When it's not that simple. I love him. I love being with him. He makes me happy. And feel loved.

But my brain also knows that if I choose to live, we are going to suffer. We'll probably freeze outside in the coming winter because I can't afford survival or camping gear that will keep us warm. Or we'll starve and my diabetes will kill me. Which hey great! But then that means this man I love will be left...alone. with nobody and that breaks my heart.

But I also feel hopeless over the fact that I have no choice but to live. I can't ctb, without directly harming him by doing so. And I just can't bring myself to be okay with that. It's just not who I am or who I want to be. I love him too much.

This is destroying my sanity. My mind cannot reconcile these conflicting feelings and thoughts. my mind can not accept that this is how my life ends.

Sorry, I know that was long.

 

[FuneralCry]

That really sounds like such a horrible situation, I find it dreadful how people suffer like this all through no fault of their own. But anyway best wishes, existence is just too cruel.

 

[blueorchids]

Hello. It can be so difficult to see the point when everything is flooded with dread and suffering, I completely understand the feeling, though our circumstances may differ. Life is a struggle, and oftentimes and meaningless one. But your rational mind, to me, is right: death is not the only way out. You may have a thousand reasons to die for, I did too, once, and I was willing to give anything for it. But you have that someone, that someplace, that something that wills you to survive, and just that single strand of hope can sprout into a million reasons more. Please, please PM me before considering and browsing through methods. I don't seek to take away your option, it's your body and your choice, but I'd like to give you some more information on the other option. Please remember, if you need to hear this: I don't know you, but the care and love I have for you is great. You are cherished, if not by the people in your life, then by me. Please be well.