Cancelling contacts before CTB

[Alessa]

Hi there,

I need your advice:
I decided to CTB in July of 2022. It will be the final month of my sabbatical which starts at August in 2021. I got some plans during that year before Iam going to CTB then.
Well, there 's one problem... The only person which loves and really cares about me, is my mother. I cancelled the contact to her last August. It's the first time I spent Christmas all by myself and I saw how sad she felt about that. She misses me, I haven't seen her for 5 months now. It's also very hard for me, but I thought it will be easier for her to bear the pain, the loss when the time has come, because she can get used to not having me around (sry for my bad english, I hope you're able to understand what I mean).

Iam not sure, if I can let her suffer that way for two further years. Maybe I shouldn't cancel the contact all the sudden? Maybe it would be better step by step? Not seeing her for 2 months... then 3... then 4... until its easier for her. What do you think? :/ I know that she will suffer a lot, but after all these years I decided that I cannot take it any longer, it is my own life, I shouldn't go on living just because she's feeling good. But I want her to suffer as less as possible. I already cancelled contact to my brother 2 years ago and I see how good it works. We almost forgot about everything that connected us. He won't suffer that much I guess and thats exactly what could help my mother too. But she's my mother after all and she loves me more than anything, what makes it totally difficult...

Any advice? :(

 

[Girobatol]

I dont believe you should do that. I will not cancel my family until I ctb, rather try to explain my feelings to them. My family already know I am in pain because of mental illness and that I dont want to live like this.

 

[gabe]

I totally got you. The only thing that makes me suffer when I think about ctb it's knowing that my mother will suffer because of me until her last day alive.

 

[Skyview]

Hi there,

I need your advice:
I decided to CTB in July of 2022. It will be the final month of my sabbatical which starts at August in 2021. I got some plans during that year before Iam going to CTB then.
Well, there 's one problem... The only person which loves and really cares about me, is my mother. I cancelled the contact to her last August. It's the first time I spent Christmas all by myself and I saw how sad she felt about that. She misses me, I haven't seen her for 5 months now. It's also very hard for me, but I thought it will be easier for her to bear the pain, the loss when the time has come, because she can get used to not having me around (sry for my bad english, I hope you're able to understand what I mean).

Iam not sure, if I can let her suffer that way for two further years. Maybe I shouldn't cancel the contact all the sudden? Maybe it would be better step by step? Not seeing her for 2 months... then 3... then 4... until its easier for her. What do you think? :/ I know that she will suffer a lot, but after all these years I decided that I cannot take it any longer, it is my own life, I shouldn't go on living just because she's feeling good. But I want her to suffer as less as possible. I already cancelled contact to my brother 2 years ago and I see how good it works. We almost forgot about everything that connected us. He won't suffer that much I guess and thats exactly what could help my mother too. But she's my mother after all and she loves me more than anything, what makes it totally difficult...

Any advice? :(

You're creating a double dilemma, distancing yourself from your mother is going to hurt her , she will be asking herself " why" and then you are going to ctb several years later with no contact ? Only thing you are going to achieve is destroying your mother mentally and physically.

 

[painoflife]

I guess its hard to decide whether cutting contact or both enjoying the time you have left is the better option.
You may think cutting contact is hard on her and that its getting her used to how it will be, but if you can see her suffering now then it will only be causing you both distress. I am trying to create lots of happy memories for my partner currently in the hope he will be slightly more content having enjoyed time spent together, rather than months of seeing how miserable I really feel.
You will not know how she will truely be after you are gone but if its easier on both of you for now to keep the relationship then that seems to be the option I would choose

 

[Farmmaa]

You are absolutely NOT doing the right thing.
What possible purpose could there be to cause her that kind of pain for the next two and a half years ?
It most certainly will not make your death any easier on her, and in the mean time she is suffering unspeakable pain.

A lot can happen in 2 1/2 years. Your life may well become amazing and all thoughts of suicide will be long behind you... and then what of your relationship with your mom ??

 

[Jean4]

When my partner decided on his CTB date, he ghosted me for a week. He didn't want to tell me, because he knew I would count every second. He also wanted me to see what it would be like without him.

It drove me absolutely insane. Don't do it.

 

[k75]

Honestly, nothing is going to ease the pain of losing you. Cutting contact isn't going to make it hurt less later. All you're really doing is cheating both of you out of the time you have left.

 

[Jean4]

Honestly, nothing is going to ease the pain of losing you. Cutting contact isn't going to make it hurt less later. All you're really doing is cheating both of you out of the time you have left.

Exactly what I told my partner. That would have been an extra week together. And you are correct. Nothing will make the pain easier.

You will also be able to say your goodbyes to your mother. Tell her everything you would like her to know.

 

[Alessa]

Hm... Ok, first, thanks for your opinions. What I can tell so far, is, that cutting contact to my brother has been "successful". When there are people that love each other, there's also some kind of dependency, which - in my opinion - can be "avoided" by cutting contact. Might be hard to compare, but there's another similar example: To get rid of a guy I loved so much, but didn't love me, the only thing that helped me was cutting the contact completely. Iam really sure that this could also help my mother to get over me commiting suicide. Iam sure that it will devastating if we're spending a lot of time together and then... all the sudden... being dead... Something that literally could kill her. I know how emotionally she can be.

But I see the argument concerning that she might think she did something wrong or something like that. Cutting contact.... commiting suicide in the end. She might think I had bad feelings about her, what isn't true. Hm... But I can't act like everythings fine. She knows how bad I feel and she also knows about my sinister thoughts concerning CTB so... I guess it wouldn't be THAT surprising.

@Farmmaa
Well, don't mean to offend you, but you don't know about anything I went through my whole life and how terrible it is to think about the following 18 months til my sabbatical... You shouldn't talk that way if you're not aware of what's going on. Iam happy about my decision and Iam looking forward for the last wonderful year I will be able to spent in freedom before I will do it. There's no doubt, fear or anything else about that any more.

 

[Quarky00]

I already cancelled contact to my brother 2 years ago and I see how good it works. We almost forgot about everything that connected us. He won't suffer that much I guess and thats exactly what could help my mother too.

That's true. This is how the human mind work.We still love, but we forget and grow apart.

If years go by - still shock & pain - but it makes it less vivid and sharp. It's much harder when something is fresh and your memory of it is strong. I can easily hear a person in that condition, still full of pain, but consoling themselves: "I've already lost her X years ago".

I still find this notion hard. It is quite cold-blooded. (That's not a criticism).

 

[k75]

The way siblings and parents might respond to that situation is so totally different. You can't compare the two. Parents are invested in children on a whole different level than siblings.

I've had decades long fights with a sibling where we didn't speak, and it didn't affect me much.

But I also have a son, and if he cut me completely off, it would be devastating. I'd dwell on it every day. It would drive me crazy trying to figure out what I did wrong. I would blame myself no matter what. And if he killed himself after doing that.... I'd be destroyed. It wouldn't matter if I last had contact with him yesterday or 2 years ago.

 

[Readytogo#Broken]

Hello there, it's just my 2pence worth, I don't know your personal relationship with your family, but I'd not shut them out, I'm nobody to dictate though, everyone's situation is diff, I lost my mum 2017 then Dad 2018 they were a massive support to me, iv tried this whole decade to "try living" "get on with it" as they say, but feel I'm at the point where I'm sick of making others happy, only to wreck my own mental health, I lost my loving Dog of 13years in nov, sounds sad I know but three failed relationships the pup was always there, going off topic but pretty much decided after the holidays, didn't want to ruin it for people, I'm going when I have the courage to, I just know even having made my descision now after 10years being "scared of the rope" but mentally broken I'd love to say a subtle goodbye to them, but it's just my opinion, I really hope you find peace whatever descions you make. And your life it should be your choice....if you feel better cutting them off to make it easier on them, totally understandable wishing you peace

 

[Quarky00]

if he cut me completely off ... I'd dwell on it every day.

It really subsides after several years :| Parental bond is the strongest, and lasts forever, even after 20 years of one not seeing their child. But people do carry on with their life. I'm not contradicting your personal feelings, just saying what I saw over several decades (families break a part).

And if he killed himself after doing that.... I'd be destroyed.

True, tragedy is different, very overwhelming, maybe OP should at least reassure her mother. Her mother is aware of her condition though.

 

[Farmmaa]

@Farmmaa
Well, don't mean to offend you, but you don't know about anything I went through my whole life and how terrible it is to think about the following 18 months til my sabbatical... You shouldn't talk that way if you're not aware of what's going on. Iam happy about my decision and Iam looking forward for the last wonderful year I will be able to spent in freedom before I will do it. There's no doubt, fear or anything else about that any more.

No, I don't know your story, regardless, there is nothing insulting or offensive in suggesting that a person's life can drastically change and turn around in two years.

 

[k75]

It really subsides after several years :| Parental bond is the strongest, and lasts forever, even after 20 years of one not seeing their child. But people do carry on with their life. I'm not contradicting your personal feelings, just saying what I saw over several decades (families break a part).


True, tragedy is different, very overwhelming, maybe OP should at least reassure her mother. Her mother is aware of her condition though.

True. I have a grief disorder and hold onto loss forever, and of course everyone is different.

My main point was that she shouldn't use her "success" with her brother as an indicator of how it will go with her mom.