Can you imagine/remember your life without suicidal thoughts?

[TAW122]

The time I could remember that I never thought about suicide was before I understood what the term 'suicide' meant. Probably before my adolescence, I hated life, and sometimes thought about death, but not the means of death (self-imposed, natural causes, caused by others, etc.). I would say that while being blissfully ignorant meant I never thought about existence or questioned life in a way, it wasn't utopia and I would rather be aware of suffering and knowing that I have a way out (and ultimately having a 'real' way out, aka a method) than to live blindly, blissfully ignorant of sentience itself. I suppose most of my life at least to present day and ongoing, I am always aware of death; I've prolonged my sentience too long and one of these days I will die by my own hand, barring some freak accident or unfortunate event.

 

[LaetumCat]

I mean, before I was suicidal as in I actually wanted to die, sure I guess... When I was a child, I wasn't suicidal, but I wasn't very interested in living either. I kind of didn't like living, but I wasn't "suicidal".... I don't really have a word for it but yeah.

 

[horseshoefalls]

I don't know, I remember being suicidal around age 6, and constantly fantasizing about it. I would just lay there and close my eyes and just imagine the act of doing it and how people would react. I remember doing it before bed all the time

 

[seeyoulater26]

No :( I remember when I was eight, I was watching an old movie and the character was pleading for god to just take him already, and I cried so hard because I felt the exactly the same. I've been wanting to leave for the longest time. I'm turning 30 in a few months. I don't know how I made it this far. I feel very fortunate to have met my amazing friends who keep giving me reasons to stay because otherwise, I would've CTB a long time ago.

 

[GoGoTornado]

I don't. Without getting into details, for as long as I remember I've never felt happy, only that everything would be much better for everyone I know if I wasn't there. I thought a lot about just going into the woods and letting nature do it's thing.

I remember the first time I saw "Its a Wonderful Life" and I wanted to badly to be given that chance to just have never existed at all.

I'll be 36 this year and the only thought that's been in my head since I could think for myself has been that if I do CTB it would be inconvenient for those around me. The last thing I want it my final act to be a bother to people. Someone would have to fill my position at work, a search would probably be put out for me, somone might get stuck with my bills...and so on.

So, long story short, no I can't remember a time.

 

[softfur]

totally can't. suicide is all i've ever had for a "dream" or a "life plan". i guess as long as i've known about the concept...i was definitely performatively depressed and suicidal as a kid but some of it must've been real for it to be neverending. all the times i've tried to see around it (career research project! preparing for your future! interview someone with a career you're interested in! blah blah blah) have been disappointing because it all comes back to this. it's always been meant to be

 

[squiddedoutt]

Yea, but it was honestly worse of a life in my opinion, yet i wasnt suicidal. Like, I have more things now that i didnt have back then, but i'm still doing worse because of physical and mental issues.

 

[Pvnie]

Felt happy 24/7 till I was 11, before then of course I was just a "weird little kid" getting into trouble, didn't have many friends due to my antics and things I couldn't control, I really looked up to my older cousin, I thought he was the coolest guy in the world. Then 11 hit and I cried myself to sleep one night thinking about my past and wondering why I had to live the life I had lived and why I wasn't normal like those in my family and my back then peers who had come and gone.


I remember just before then at 10 I became a home school shut in due to the other kids bullying me in my neighborhood and I consumed a lot of bullshit on the internet which probably wasn't good for me whatsoever, I became very nihilistic and I was a cringe atheist who talked about how we were all numbers and worker bees in the system.and I played Roblox all day and watched YouTube all day. But anyways back to 11 to current day. I eventually start school after a bad summer where I got bullied relentlessly at a park for my antics and beat up a few times, smoked pot as well! of course everyone found out about it, me and my weird antics and unkempt self, social isolation and bullying, jestermaxxing, then I found out about the BP and forums such as these (if anyone can guess who I am good for you!) rotted on them daily while continuing to jestermax. This is a very short cut and dry ver of my life btw. but when I found BP that was where the suicidal shit really started. Went back and forth with it a few years in when things got a bit better for me but now its a full swing thing.


I'm lonely, I feel empty like I have no soul or that said soul is unrnourished, I feel as if I've missed out on my golden years and I am discontent with my physical form and one of the only things that makes me happy excluding drugs is hearing women's heart beats and stomach noises.