Discussion Can you answer this question? Thanks.

[HeyBoogahJr]

I'm in a lot of turmoil right now, I want to die, I want to see someone I like, I want to go, I don't want to go this early. I don't know what to do? No one is going to be there, it's all a lie, just die already, lets go home. I need to die. There's so much going on in my head and there is no one around to help.

 

[Spit On My Grave]

The female mantis sometimes kill herself when she feels trapped or threatened

 

[Mrs. T-800]

I have to pick both. I don't know... I thought so many times, "today is the day," or, "just one more straw that breaks the camel's back," but, in the end, I just can't. I don't know if or when it will ever occur. I don't want to die necessarily. If I could, I would live a modified life. It wouldn't even be one without struggle or pain. It just would not be this life with this circumstances.
If and when it happens, it happens. I don't have any plan personally. The time will be right, whenever it is, due to whatever – maybe peace and completion, maybe agony and despair.

"Let's go home" is how I feel, though. Very much. I can relate and empathize with it immensely.

 

[HeyBoogahJr]

I have to pick both. I don't know... I thought so many times, "today is the day," or, "just one more straw that breaks the camel's back," but, in the end, I just can't. I don't know if or when it will ever occur. I don't want to die necessarily. If I could, I would live a modified life. It wouldn't even be one without struggle or pain. It just would not be this life with this circumstances.
If and when it happens, it happens. I don't have any plan personally. The time will be right, whenever it is, due to whatever – maybe peace and completion, maybe agony and despair.

"Let's go home" is how I feel, though. Very much. I can relate and empathize with it immensely.

What does home look like for you? I like your pfp btw.

The female mantis sometimes kill herself when she feels trapped or threatened

Thank you for the morbid fact.

 

[eternallyjanedoe]

Oh, wow! It's currently at a tie of 12 - 12 as I'm writing this. This is a very interesting question!

Although I'd prefer to (and actively attempt) at my worst, it is pretty hard to, say, tie a knot while a sobbing shaking mess. I sometimes envy those who are at peace before attempting to CTB.

I always prefer to let it happen on its own, not plan it. If I end up doing it, I will. I'll let the flow of time carry me through these paths of heavy wind.

 

[red_cardinal]

When I'm calm and feel 100% prepared. It's irreversible, and I want to make sure I make the choice in the right moment, not when my judgment is clouded by negative emotions. In the past, I did attempt in the heat of the moment only, and it wasn't a wise decision, none of the attempts were. Besides, my method of choice is SN, and I'll need to follow the protocol, which takes at least 24h.

 

[itsgone2]

Like almost everyone, both. I feel close in both cases. But it's not close. I only wish I could simply go through with it.

 

[E4syW3y0u7]

Honestly my mind and my life are so fucked that i alternate between both. I just want it to stop and have the courage to end it. I hope i'm almost there...

 

[Tomorrow Is Today]

It's counterintuitive in the sense that I tend to rationalise CTBing the best when I'm calm or 'healthier', but I've always known that for the execution part of it, I need to be at rock bottom as SI is so strong that I need emotional impulsiveness to get me past that hurdle.

 

[Mrs. T-800]

What does home look like for you? I like your pfp btw.

Thank you for the morbid fact.

Thank you, T-800 is a cutie. Yours is Steven Universe, right? Is that Pearl? (I never saw the show, but I was online a lot when it got popular.)

Since I was a kid I was really fixated on the 80s and 90s, from the architecture and art styles, to the medias, everything. Even now I have this incredible nostalgia for that time and a deep sadness for it not being those years. Long story short, I took this to a past life hypnosis session just to see, and – freely take this with a grain of salt – I came back with a revelation of a prior life, I was alive apparently 1970 to 1998. I won't bore you with the details, but, for me, home is that life, I was so happy in those memories. I want to return to there.

How about you, what is home for you like?

 

[HeyBoogahJr]

Thank you, T-800 is a cutie. Yours is Steven Universe, right? Is that Pearl? (I never saw the show, but I was online a lot when it got popular.)

Since I was a kid I was really fixated on the 80s and 90s, from the architecture and art styles, to the medias, everything. Even now I have this incredible nostalgia for that time and a deep sadness for it not being those years. Long story short, I took this to a past life hypnosis session just to see, and – freely take this with a grain of salt – I came back with a revelation of a prior life, I was alive apparently 1970 to 1998. I won't bore you with the details, but, for me, home is that life, I was so happy in those memories. I want to return to there.

How about you, what is home for you like?

He is fr. Yeah it is Steven comforting Pearl, I like it because one of her lines is "I'm still here.", I'm here and no one is around to help. Hopefully I'll be dead soon.

It sounds like a nice home, is your life very 90s/80s coded then? I don't mind being bored with the details I'd like to hear about it. I'm glad you have some idea of a home that will bring you, well, home.

I want to be near people who won't judge me and will love me, I can certainly make a home for myself, but I know I'll always be waiting for that other person, sadly. They'll never come.

 

[Heavy_Metals117]

It's counterintuitive in the sense that I tend to rationalise CTBing the best when I'm calm or 'healthier', but I've always known that for the execution part of it, I need to be at rock bottom as SI is so strong that I need emotional impulsiveness to get me past that hurdle.

This right here. I've been trying to CTB tonight and my SI just keeps getting in the way because I'm doing it while I'm calm even though I have a decent setup that I know will work. It's the fear of losing my senses, especially my hearing that does it for me.

 

[Mrs. T-800]

He is fr. Yeah it is Steven comforting Pearl, I like it because one of her lines is "I'm still here.", I'm here and no one is around to help. Hopefully I'll be dead soon.

It sounds like a nice home, is your life very 90s/80s coded then? I don't mind being bored with the details I'd like to hear about it. I'm glad you have some idea of a home that will bring you, well, home.

I want to be near people who won't judge me and will love me, I can certainly make a home for myself, but I know I'll always be waiting for that other person, sadly. They'll never come.

"I'm still here" does bring a lot of hope. So much depends on that one word, still – lots of loyalty and dependability in it. Kind of reminds me of a song I was thinking of yesterday, "Alive" by Pearl Jam. It's basically about enduring a lot of misery and misfortune and, well, at the end of it, "I'm still alive" (then he asks, "do I deserve to be?"). Still here... for better or for worse...

Yes, my life is very much that way still. I got the kind of "analog" itch with maybe 16 years old, and I live pretty much eschewing a lot of contemporary stuff. I use older appliances and devices (eg. radios, CD/DVD/VCR), opt for vintage items if possible, so on... it's comforting, but there is a hole in my heart for home.
It was a nice life, the past life regression session I did brought back a lot of "recessed" memories – I don't even subscribe to past life or multiverse theory which is crazy – but for a bit of nuance, from what I've gathered through that, I was alive 2/18/70-7/12/98, I was born in the California as an only child and died in the Texas. I graduated high school in 1987. After that, in college, I was a big party girl, but eventually chilled out and went to law school. I had an interest for criminal law and psychology especially. I got a position in that field, and then after that, I met a dear friend who was wrongly in the criminal system, and through her, I met my lover. My name was Maria. My parents were Don and Laura. I died in a car crash, my lover was driving, and someone hit us on my side.
Funnily enough, much of this carried over into my current life, but it never was realized, if that makes sense. Like, I took a lot of criminology classes for electives in uni, but it was never a field I was interested in for a career.

What makes you think someone will never come? They say, "tomorrow never knows." And while there is pain in solitude, the agency it brings is kind of nice, like you say, making a home for yourself. It's nice to share life with someone, but also full of surprises and challenges. Compromise is harder than it seems. But it is worth it, to find and be with someone right, who you know will love you no matter what.
There are 8 billion people, surely there is someone, and sometime.

 

[HeyBoogahJr]

"I'm still here" does bring a lot of hope. So much depends on that one word, still – lots of loyalty and dependability in it. Kind of reminds me of a song I was thinking of yesterday, "Alive" by Pearl Jam. It's basically about enduring a lot of misery and misfortune and, well, at the end of it, "I'm still alive" (then he asks, "do I deserve to be?"). Still here... for better or for worse...

Yes, my life is very much that way still. I got the kind of "analog" itch with maybe 16 years old, and I live pretty much eschewing a lot of contemporary stuff. I use older appliances and devices (eg. radios, CD/DVD/VCR), opt for vintage items if possible, so on... it's comforting, but there is a hole in my heart for home.
It was a nice life, the past life regression session I did brought back a lot of "recessed" memories – I don't even subscribe to past life or multiverse theory which is crazy – but for a bit of nuance, from what I've gathered through that, I was alive 2/18/70-7/12/98, I was born in the California as an only child and died in the Texas. I graduated high school in 1987. After that, in college, I was a big party girl, but eventually chilled out and went to law school. I had an interest for criminal law and psychology especially. I got a position in that field, and then after that, I met a dear friend who was wrongly in the criminal system, and through her, I met my lover. My name was Maria. My parents were Don and Laura. I died in a car crash, my lover was driving, and someone hit us on my side.
Funnily enough, much of this carried over into my current life, but it never was realized, if that makes sense. Like, I took a lot of criminology classes for electives in uni, but it was never a field I was interested in for a career.

What makes you think someone will never come? They say, "tomorrow never knows." And while there is pain in solitude, the agency it brings is kind of nice, like you say, making a home for yourself. It's nice to share life with someone, but also full of surprises and challenges. Compromise is harder than it seems. But it is worth it, to find and be with someone right, who you know will love you no matter what.
There are 8 billion people, surely there is someone, and sometime.

I can see what you're talking about, I think. But I don't get how anyone could do it. I'm in a lot of misery, and there is nothing anchoring me to this world. "I'm still here" is just holding my regret of not having passed on sooner. Sure, I've met more people, but I'm still here, and I'm still alone.

What's your favorite vintage appliance? Are you a collector? I wonder what the experience must've looked like. It sounds like your old life was fun,I mean, except for dying in a car crash, but what can you really do? And now you also did criminology too? Let's just hope a second repeat of old events doesn't happen, huh?

I'm 18, and I've never met my tribe, someone I love mutually, or made a decent connection with anyone, really. It feels like maybe this world isn't for me. Maybe I'm from a distant planet, and I somehow ended up on Earth. I appreciate the sentiment, I really do, but it has been really hard to not feel such pain lately. I can't handle it. I can't handle it by myself... but I don't have anyone.

What brings you to these forums, though? I'm curious. You seem to be so... lively? I can't find the right word. Can you share why?

 

[xhersekk]

If you are calm then how could you convince yourself to ctb? It's easier and doable when you're at your worst.
I read a post a while ago that said the brain compares the level of discomfort, If you are for example listening to music or doing relaxing activities, your brain will reject any painful methods.

 

[HeyBoogahJr]

If you are calm then how could you convince yourself to ctb? It's easier and doable when you're at your worst.
I read a post a while ago that said the brain compares the level of discomfort, If you are for example listening to music or doing relaxing activities, your brain will reject any painful methods.

I think it would be a feeling of peace and giving up, I don't want to cry, but I know I will. I don't want my final moments to be sad, ya' know? It is the end and we tried our best. Lets go home.

 

[houseofleaves]

I'm in a lot of misery, and there is nothing anchoring me to this world.

sorry for being a nuisance - just wanted to say this is so relatable. pls accept my warmest virtual hugs

 

[HeyBoogahJr]

sorry for being a nuisance - just wanted to say this is so relatable. pls accept my warmest virtual hugs

You weren't being a nuisance at all from my perspective. I asked, and I received. So, thank you for sharing.

I'm sorry to hear that you find this relatable. I hope you find something that gently lowers you back to ground level. Otherwise, the sun would eat you, and we can't have that now can we? :)

Thank you, I've been needing them. Right back at ya,

super big hugs.

 

[Mrs. T-800]

I can see what you're talking about, I think. But I don't get how anyone could do it. I'm in a lot of misery, and there is nothing anchoring me to this world. "I'm still here" is just holding my regret of not having passed on sooner. Sure, I've met more people, but I'm still here, and I'm still alone.

What's your favorite vintage appliance? Are you a collector? I wonder what the experience must've looked like. It sounds like your old life was fun,I mean, except for dying in a car crash, but what can you really do? And now you also did criminology too? Let's just hope a second repeat of old events doesn't happen, huh?

I'm 18, and I've never met my tribe, someone I love mutually, or made a decent connection with anyone, really. It feels like maybe this world isn't for me. Maybe I'm from a distant planet, and I somehow ended up on Earth. I appreciate the sentiment, I really do, but it has been really hard to not feel such pain lately. I can't handle it. I can't handle it by myself... but I don't have anyone.

What brings you to these forums, though? I'm curious. You seem to be so... lively? I can't find the right word. Can you share why?

I know how you feel as well. I hope this doesn't come across patronizing. But, having some years on you (I'm 26), having been 18... a lot comes with having agency as an adult. And I mean a lot. One of the single best things that has ever uplifted me and improved my life was leaving the person and place where I had undergone a very abusive and traumatic existence and it made a drastic change. You might not believe it, since I'm, well, here on this site – that's its own issue – but being able to decide my own fate was a massive net positive. Is it easy? No. I have bills to pay, stresses to encounter, so on, but it really did show me that life does get better sometimes.
18 feels very old when you are down and out and worn but it is actually so very young. I don't diminish your experience or feelings. But there is a lot to come. Ya never know, what's next – I try to tell myself that on bad days. I got it from a book on "loss of a love" – in my case, loss of a love for my life – one page said, why not stick around? aren't you even just a little curious about what's around the corner? – okay, maybe, ya got me... (grumble, grumble)
Also, your (possibly "our") generation(s) got screwed over by COVID. It stunted a lot in the way of social life. I do think time will help in meeting people and not feeling so alone. You are handling it currently – you are doing well. It must not be so easy and quite frankly I am impressed that you're balancing this all. It is a very burdensome weight, to feel what we feel all in this forum...

Do you have goals, hobbies, interests? Or even anything that you might look forward to?

I don't really collect per se, but I have a place of my own now, so I outfit it with this things where reasonable. I guess favorite, it's my Sony Dream Maschine ICF C10W (looks like this). Big old block thing but the numbers are bluegreen so it's nicer than a blaring red.
I don't mind whatever happens. Mostly, I just want a chance to live that life again, even if just the memories fleetingly.
Lively, boah. It makes me happy. I guess, yes, it's true, I'm actually an optimistic person and decently... happy...? But I do go through extrem phases of depression and suicidality, I also suffer with CPTSD, anorexia, a few others, and generally since I'm 14 I just want to go home. Like you. I don't want to die die, on most days, but I am... so sad... and yet quite happy... it's hard to explain. I feel like you'll know the sentiment.

 

[HeyBoogahJr]

I know how you feel as well. I hope this doesn't come across patronizing. But, having some years on you (I'm 26), having been 18... a lot comes with having agency as an adult. And I mean a lot. One of the single best things that has ever uplifted me and improved my life was leaving the person and place where I had undergone a very abusive and traumatic existence and it made a drastic change. You might not believe it, since I'm, well, here on this site – that's its own issue – but being able to decide my own fate was a massive net positive. Is it easy? No. I have bills to pay, stresses to encounter, so on, but it really did show me that life does get better sometimes.
18 feels very old when you are down and out and worn but it is actually so very young. I don't diminish your experience or feelings. But there is a lot to come. Ya never know, what's next – I try to tell myself that on bad days. I got it from a book on "loss of a love" – in my case, loss of a love for my life – one page said, why not stick around? aren't you even just a little curious about what's around the corner? – okay, maybe, ya got me... (grumble, grumble)
Also, your (possibly "our") generation(s) got screwed over by COVID. It stunted a lot in the way of social life. I do think time will help in meeting people and not feeling so alone. You are handling it currently – you are doing well. It must not be so easy and quite frankly I am impressed that you're balancing this all. It is a very burdensome weight, to feel what we feel all in this forum...

Do you have goals, hobbies, interests? Or even anything that you might look forward to?

I don't really collect per se, but I have a place of my own now, so I outfit it with this things where reasonable. I guess favorite, it's my Sony Dream Maschine ICF C10W (looks like this). Big old block thing but the numbers are bluegreen so it's nicer than a blaring red.
I don't mind whatever happens. Mostly, I just want a chance to live that life again, even if just the memories fleetingly.
Lively, boah. It makes me happy. I guess, yes, it's true, I'm actually an optimistic person and decently... happy...? But I do go through extrem phases of depression and suicidality, I also suffer with CPTSD, anorexia, a few others, and generally since I'm 14 I just want to go home. Like you. I don't want to die die, on most days, but I am... so sad... and yet quite happy... it's hard to explain. I feel like you'll know the sentiment.

You don't come off as patronizing. I appreciate any thought given. I just haven't met the right people, and my main goal in life right now is to do that, to have a reason worth sticking around for, because everything is too tough by myself right now.

I'm sorry you went through that experience, but I'm glad you made it out feeling better. I ask myself that too: "Why not stick around? Why not?" But couldn't it be said for the opposite, too? Both sides have pros and cons, but death has that simple stop-trying button.

You've done enough. Good job. Let's go home now. :)

It has just been too consistently terrible, and there hasn't been anything specific to look forward to. Someone let me down again today. He's the closest person I've got to a home, but he can't be my friend, and he seemingly won't communicate with me either.

Thank you. I try my best, and I appreciate the kind words.

Make friends... Hobbies are tough, and my interests are just gaming and playing things. I want to meet someone special, or just have someone stick around. I've been obsessed with the idea of "stand by me", just please don't go. Can you be human with me?

I think the best thing I can do is drive straight forward into the arms of death and finally feel an embrace that lasts forever. I won't be anything anymore, but I won't be alone.

I like the clock, it looks so cute and swag. Hopefully not too yellowed, though, or does that add to it?

Yeah, I get what you mean. I want this pain to stop. I've tried countless times with many different things, but I haven't tried death. The permanence holds me back, but is anyone holding my hand when death is a teardrop away? I'd like to experience. I'd like to be an experience. But I don't have someone to show me the way.

 

[HeyBoogahJr]

I know how you feel as well. I hope this doesn't come across patronizing. But, having some years on you (I'm 26), having been 18... a lot comes with having agency as an adult. And I mean a lot. One of the single best things that has ever uplifted me and improved my life was leaving the person and place where I had undergone a very abusive and traumatic existence and it made a drastic change. You might not believe it, since I'm, well, here on this site – that's its own issue – but being able to decide my own fate was a massive net positive. Is it easy? No. I have bills to pay, stresses to encounter, so on, but it really did show me that life does get better sometimes.
18 feels very old when you are down and out and worn but it is actually so very young. I don't diminish your experience or feelings. But there is a lot to come. Ya never know, what's next – I try to tell myself that on bad days. I got it from a book on "loss of a love" – in my case, loss of a love for my life – one page said, why not stick around? aren't you even just a little curious about what's around the corner? – okay, maybe, ya got me... (grumble, grumble)
Also, your (possibly "our") generation(s) got screwed over by COVID. It stunted a lot in the way of social life. I do think time will help in meeting people and not feeling so alone. You are handling it currently – you are doing well. It must not be so easy and quite frankly I am impressed that you're balancing this all. It is a very burdensome weight, to feel what we feel all in this forum...

Do you have goals, hobbies, interests? Or even anything that you might look forward to?

I don't really collect per se, but I have a place of my own now, so I outfit it with this things where reasonable. I guess favorite, it's my Sony Dream Maschine ICF C10W (looks like this). Big old block thing but the numbers are bluegreen so it's nicer than a blaring red.
I don't mind whatever happens. Mostly, I just want a chance to live that life again, even if just the memories fleetingly.
Lively, boah. It makes me happy. I guess, yes, it's true, I'm actually an optimistic person and decently... happy...? But I do go through extrem phases of depression and suicidality, I also suffer with CPTSD, anorexia, a few others, and generally since I'm 14 I just want to go home. Like you. I don't want to die die, on most days, but I am... so sad... and yet quite happy... it's hard to explain. I feel like you'll know the sentiment.

Thanks for talking with me. I'll see if I'm too scared to Ctb or not later, but I appreciate our conversation. I know there's a world of endless possibilities, but for once, I'd like my back rubbed when I feel down.

 

[alwaysalone]

The female mantis sometimes kill herself when she feels trapped or threatened

That's me

 

[Mrs. T-800]

Thanks for talking with me. I'll see if I'm too scared to Ctb or not later, but I appreciate our conversation. I know there's a world of endless possibilities, but for once, I'd like my back rubbed when I feel down.

Consider this a biiiiig virtual hug and the comfiiiiiest back rub I can give, and I'm happy to talk to you. I'm glad you're around. It's pleasant for me too.

 

[HeyBoogahJr]

Consider this a biiiiig virtual hug and the comfiiiiiest back rub I can give, and I'm happy to talk to you. I'm glad you're around. It's pleasant for me too.

Thank you, I appreciate it. I'm glad you're still around too.

 

[Cepheuss]

Out of all my attempts ive found it easier to follow through with when im in a state rather then when ive got a set date

 

[Boardwalk]

I feel like I most often try when I'm really depressed but a few times i've had such a nice day I thought about ending it on that and that might be my most likely way to go

 

[HeyBoogahJr]

Out of all my attempts ive found it easier to follow through with when im in a state rather then when ive got a set date

Do you prefer that over being calm and collected before the end?

I feel like I most often try when I'm really depressed but a few times i've had such a nice day I thought about ending it on that and that might be my most likely way to go

That's what I want to do.

 

[Cepheuss]

Do you prefer that over being calm and collected before the end?

That's what I want to do.

I do i wasnt scared last time i just did it