RyanSuicide
Student
- Jan 7, 2019
- 117
Well I think we can yes but it's only because your own body doesn't want to die but you (your consciousness) does
longingforrelease
Specialist
- Oct 27, 2018
- 381
I'm sorry to hear that friend.
Letmego. Please
Wizard
- Nov 18, 2018
- 619
Hello hello, i am the grand old age of 47, which might not seem that 'old' but all told i have probably spent 6+ yrs in total at the funny farm, met a lot of good people in the worst places, at the worst time of their lives, and spent the last 26yrs in a wheelchair on pain meds after an unwise decision while a might bonkers. So bugger me it don't half seem longer than just 47.
LostGirl
My time has come
- Dec 3, 2018
- 185
I am really sorry to hear that and hope that you manage to somehow find some peace and comfort.
Letmego. Please
Wizard
- Nov 18, 2018
- 619
Thank you, but honestly it is nothing to be sorry about. I could have lived a 'normal' life being blissfully unaware of all this, but with the life i have lived I've learned more, laughed a hell of a lot (i always seek and find something funny about even the worst aspects of my life) & i have had the honour of meeting some of the most wonderful, caring people to walk this earth. Yes it has been hell in parts but given the choice i would still rather the life i have.
One of the problems i think, and sorry if this offends those who see themselves differently. Is that a large amount of us with wonky wired brains actually care more for our fellow humans, this can be as much of a curse as a blessing, but its been true of most of my fellow wonkies.
((Hugs))
I am on your side on this one. That said, I have some relatives that I don't want to hurt. It's an effed up situation to say the least. On the one hand, I love them, love life on the other hand I have this pain that keeps me from keeping relationships. And I hate being alone. So ultimately I want to ctb — what keeps me going is a combo of those certain relatives I don't want to hurt, chemicals (I like cannabis), and a general fear of doing ctb. Each day that goes by, however, I dig a deeper hole and increase the likelihood I will ctb. I have this debate in my head which drives me kinda nutty — my relatives are better off without me vs. the opposite. Reality is nobody knows. I mean, nobody knows what the world is like for anyone after they are gone. Ffs, we don't even know what happens after we die.
Shananaginns
BeautifullyBroken
- Jan 11, 2019
- 26
I just hate how depression and mental/ emotional pain from life experiences doesn't matter to soo many. If i had terminal cancer and wanted to end my life, not only is cancer considered a "valid" issues, but suicide is understandable. But me, no, I'm selfish and all i need to do is get over it and cheer up. If that were possible, i would've figured it out by now. I've been wanting to die since I was 8 yrs old. I'm 33 now and i HAVE tried. Nothing I do works. It's mostly my environment and the people around me that keep me down. It's been ingrained in me all of my life that I'm worthless and that no matter what i do, I'll never be loved. My story is a very long one and I might tell it eventually, but it's hard to explain while choking back that huge ball in my throat that wants to cry. I'm just tired. I made the mistake of confiding in my husband, he's really just my roommate because we've been in a Loveless marriage for 10 years yet keep telling each other we love each other and instead of trying to fix things or just talk to me normally, all he can say is that what I'm thinking about is stupid and selfish and the age-old quote that is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. I don't consider 33 years a temporary problem. I'm barely hanging on right now. I watch my sister's three-year-old full-time so it's hard because my only time alone is with him and I don't want him to see me do something like this. I was thinking partial suspension hanging it seems easiest. At first I was doing a lot of research and I thought helium would be a good idea but to get the size of tank that I would need to be successful is quite expensive and all of my accounts are joint with my husband so he'd know right away. I've been "living" if that's what you'd call it, for others all of my life and all it's done is disappoint and hurt me more. Sorry for rambling so much.
Pulpit2018
Experienced
- Oct 8, 2018
- 287
Shananaginns
BeautifullyBroken
- Jan 11, 2019
- 26
Plus, i was thinking... it might hurt a few people at first, but they always move on. The world will go on without us. As for my family, it will be something to speculate in gossip about. There's a few family members that will probably use it to get sympathy and attention. The only person I was really holding out for was my husband. I really held on to that hope that maybe one day he would just wake up and be in love with me. Stupid I know, but I wish and hope for it with every fiber in my being for years. I think now I'm finally coming around to the idea that it's never going to happen. He says he loves me but we have not been intimate in any kind of way for at least the past eight years out of our 10-year marriage and were roommates at best with a couple of routine I love yous here and there. You know, before hanging up or leaving or saying I love you goodnight. Those are usually paired with a simple quick peck on the cheek. He says that he's in love with me but I don't believe I'm any more to him than a sister or best friend. He's become complacent and content in our situation and it's easier for him to just stay then to have to get up and start over. My heart breaks at the thought of accepting this is reality, but I think the fantasy of maybe is hurting me more. I'm not deeply religious but I have had Christianity pounded down into me and I do have a fear of hell. No one really knows what happens when we die and that unknown can be terrifying sometimes. I lost my dad when I was 19 he saved me when I was eight from my mother and stepdad and those are the best and worst years of my life. Because of my mother and all associated with her I have been diagnosed with PTSD, depression, anxiety, and some say BPD others say I don't have it all stemming from childhood traumas. I like to think that when I finally get the courage to fully let go, my dad will be waiting for me on the other side. Sorry for another long post and for rambling on too much.
Shananaginns
BeautifullyBroken
- Jan 11, 2019
- 26
Thank you. I've been searching for a place like this for a very long time. All I could ever find with suicide prevention and those people don't know what they're doing. I've been reading for a while before posting anything and I like what I see as far as the community here. I'm glad I found this place. I feel like I finally found a safe place to speak freely without judgement and anger.
color_me_gone
Sun is rising
- Dec 27, 2018
- 970
Welcome Shananaginns!
You have definitely found that place.
We will listen, and unlike a paid shrink, we will actually care.
We stand in your shoes.
I think you absolutely can stay alive for others and just go through the motions; I'm willing to bet a lot of people do.
I have come to realize over the two year journey that has brought me here that doing that is selfless. I think one could make the argument that a child is not selfish in asking a parent to stay alive but another adult demanding that another adult stay alive for their own selfish reasons is wrong. Ultimately, if I was not here tomorrow, either by my own hand or from natural causes, the sun will still rise and set. My family members will recover at some point. A person who is suffering immense physical or emotional pain should not have to live for other. If he or she wants to that is, of course, his or her choice.
I have come to realize over the two year journey that has brought me here that doing that is selfless. I think one could make the argument that a child is not selfish in asking a parent to stay alive but another adult demanding that another adult stay alive for their own selfish reasons is wrong. Ultimately, if I was not here tomorrow, either by my own hand or from natural causes, the sun will still rise and set. My family members will recover at some point. A person who is suffering immense physical or emotional pain should not have to live for other. If he or she wants to that is, of course, his or her choice.
longingforrelease
Specialist
- Oct 27, 2018
- 381
Welcome. From the bottom of my heart I hope you continue to feel safe here to speak freely and to share as much of your story as you feel you need to. I've shared a lot here that I couldn't say anywhere else or to anyone else. I've admittted here some things that I hadn't fully been willing to admit to myself even. And it's helped. I dearly hope you find the same can be true for you too. And most of all, I wish for you the peace we all seek, be it here among the living or beyond. You've earned your peace. May it come to you.
bigj75
“From Knowledge springs power."
- Sep 1, 2018
- 2,540
Shananaginns
BeautifullyBroken
- Jan 11, 2019
- 26
Thank you. Thank you sooo much! That really means a lot to me. I've always suffered alone and I'm glad that i finally have others that i can talk to about this stuff. Being here helps relieve some of the pressure building up in me. I used to cut but stopped due to family threats so I've had no release or understanding of any kind.
Shananaginns
BeautifullyBroken
- Jan 11, 2019
- 26
color_me_gone
Sun is rising
- Dec 27, 2018
- 970
Yes, me too!
It is hard to face reality when it sucks.
color_me_gone
Sun is rising
- Dec 27, 2018
- 970
longingforrelease
Specialist
- Oct 27, 2018
- 381
that it is my friend. In my case, the reality that sucks for me, is of my own making.
longingforrelease
Specialist
- Oct 27, 2018
- 381
You are so welcome. I'm so pleased that something I said may have helped you a bit. There's a lot of help to be found here. Many have offered me nothing but kindness, empathy and support. I really hope you stick around and continue to speak your truth. You're needed here too.
color_me_gone
Sun is rising
- Dec 27, 2018
- 970
I'm sorry, I should not have spoken for everybody.
Let me rephrase what I said above to: I have made my own reality, whether I like it or not.
My apologies to all.
Mircea
Member
- Apr 15, 2019
- 83
A difficult question for me as well. It's part of why I've been doing it. The stress and depression has gotten too much however, and it's increasingly clear I have no purpose on this world any more: It deeply saddens me too, but in some cases we simply need to do what we must do.
If that is your decision and you have the willpower to sustain it yes. Whether it'd be a good idea is another matter entirely. The guilt-trip your therapist is laying on you does seem rather counterproductive not to mention disrespectful.
So far it's been my motivation to keep on living. We'll see how long that holds. I do know there are certain limits to my altruism though.
So far it's been my motivation to keep on living. We'll see how long that holds. I do know there are certain limits to my altruism though.
Oppenheimer
Member
- Apr 7, 2019
- 80
JadedGray
Life Eternal
- Jul 24, 2018
- 991
Nobody has to live your life except you. Only you have to live with the pain 24/7. Your loved ones can sympathize and feel for your situation, but they can never know. If you're in too much pain, I don't think you should be obligated to stay and suffer just because you worry about the pain your loved ones will feel when you're gone. It's unfortunate that they can't feel some sense of peace, knowing that you're free from your pain and suffering rather than think that, that person should stay here for them. There won't be much of a relationship anyways, if you're depressed all the time and they shouldn't want to see you like that. This is only my opinion though.
EmotionlessWanderer
Specialist
- Jan 19, 2019
- 352
The only way staying alive for others will work if you us the individual considers that person worth it to stay alive for.
Pro Lifers think all they have to do to make us stay alive for them is spit a " Oh this is selfish! It hurts loved ones! " argument in our face.
Pro Lifers think all they have to do to make us stay alive for them is spit a " Oh this is selfish! It hurts loved ones! " argument in our face.
6000qqq
Member
- May 13, 2019
- 24
I wouldn't say your therapist is trying to guilt trip you into living or anything like that. I think what's happening is your therapist is trying to give you a reason to keep living, and trying to prevent you from acting on impulse when it comes to suicidal ideation and self harm. A lot of people live for their family and friends and their success for recovery may heavily rely on loved ones, so maybe what your therpaist is trying to do is get you into mindset that if you're currently not living for yourself, live and try to recover for other people. Then in the future you can live for yourself. At least, that's how I've always viewed statements like that.
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EmotionlessWanderer
Specialist
- Jan 19, 2019
- 352
Therapists are just another slave of the system. They are basically paid to brainwash a specific mindset unto you. A mindset either you or your family want because if they say anything else or the opposite they will get fired or sued.
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ZixivaldYrxes
Archduke Demoness Villaintropic
- Apr 3, 2019
- 120
No you can't. Feelings of entrapment are often cited as top reason number 1 for why people actually end up killing themselves (I don't have a source for that offhand so you don't have to believe me but whatever), as opposed to simply having suicidal feelings and urges. If being effectively imprisoned by the desires of others doesn't feel entrapping, then I'm not sure what does. Maybe it's possible to sustain yourself on love and gooey gooey gumdrop feelings for a time but if you're already out of the game the meaning of those feelings is degraded and silly anyway. Good luck not growing to resent and loathe your "loved ones" for something that's not at all their fault if you choose to live this way.
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Exactly. And because of that, they cannot really help you. Unless you find a really good one who is willing to put their career on the line and have the discussions you need/want to have. Thats one in a million so chances are not good.
I personally think mine has given up on me.
