Maybe I didn't explain it further. I've sober for like 8 months. I haven't been drinking because I got gerd because I drank too much while I was on mdma during new years. Haven't been smoking up because I lost interest in it. I've had suicidal ideation for the past 5 months and completely isolated myself. I think I was doing pretty alright before then. Now I feel like my mind is completely broken like no linear thought process. Having a hard time getting my thoughts together to type this. Can't watch tv shows, movies can't make a normal conversation ppl nothing. Honestly my joy for partying kept me going in life. Now without that I have no motivation to live. As fucked up as it sounds this has become my life now. I just sleep all day and don't wanna go out because I can't interact much.Even the day to day functioning is a nightmare.I know a lot ppl have it much harder but right now my life feels so empty with my brain being like this.
I feel you but what do you plan on doing about this?
It's hard to say without knowing how much mdma you were doing and how regularly you were tripping. Among regular mdma users there's the concept of "suicide Tuesdays". This is where you roll on the weekends, maybe there's still some afterglow on Monday but then the serotonin depletion sets in by Tuesday. It can be hard to attribute it to the drug due to the delay. Some people swear by the supplement 5-HTP to normalize.
While mdma can be a great time and has some therapeutic value in a guided environment, regular use will burn you out. Along with that, any educated LSD user will say NOT to take it if you're already having mental health issues. This can monkey wrench your expectations from having initially found a reliable way to be happy but now that solution can't be used. I get that impression by you saying you want to fix your brain so you can trip again. A post trip episode can come even a few months after the last trip. Once that's happened, weed is seldom the same. It usually sends you right back into a dowanward spiral. I would recommend pivoting away from psychedelics indefinitely as it sounds like they've worn out their welcome. Any type of grounding work should help, hiking, yoga, martial arts, body work and exercise in general.
I'm hesitant to recommend seeing a psych due to how heavily they rely upon anti-psychotic medication which can make new problems. A SSRI could help with serotonin depletion but if taking this method, extreme caution should be used as sometimes they send people in the other direction toward suicide. I had a decent experience microdosing (breaking the lowest dose pill in 1/2) a SSRI for a few months and quickly got off it when I felt I got what I could out of it.
There's a big push with psychonauts recommending microdosing and huge breakthrough trips to solve all problems but people do cascade into long term psych conditions and some have ctb'd due to it. Be very careful and see if you can get to a place where life doesn't hinge on whether or not you can handle psychadelics.
If you search the reddit subs like shrooms, DMT, ayahuasca and LSD there are tons of reports of people that are dealing with long term post psychedelic fallout and you might find some more specific help from other commenters. I hope this helps.
