The last few days were extremely painful, my ocd tortures me right from the beginning of my day, I can't fall asleep and in general I feel completely exhausted as if the last bit of energy is disappearing and my mind wanna signal me its time to leave.
As I can't tell this anyone personally I will write it at least here: today out of anger I did a partial hanging in my wardrobe and I swear I was like I really want to finish it right now I wanna be dead but then I stopped the attempt because the wardrobe would be too weak to hold and I wasn't alone at home.
So all I can say is I feel trapped in a nightmare, I have no friends I am completely alone my family don't understand how close i am to ctb and of course I can't talk with them about this all so I thought maybe I could chat with someone here maybe it'll help clean my mind while exchanging whats going on with someone else instead of exchanging whats going on all the time just with myself and maybe with my diary where I just write how terrible the situation is , how sad my life was and how necessary it is to kill myself as soon as possible.
I feel absolutely trapped in a nightmare just to show it ya'll with an example….right now its 10:20pm and my plan is to be awake as long as possible hopefully until 10 am so i can sleep until 8pm and then when I wake up everyone the whole family will go to sleep few hours later and at least for some hours it will all be so peacefully quiet and nobody will be there to trigger me. Just think of it this is my life my sad home situation where I wanna escape from my annoying family and this is the only way to do that and also I am awake now since 8am I really don't know how i'll manage to be awake so long….
As I can't tell this anyone personally I will write it at least here: today out of anger I did a partial hanging in my wardrobe and I swear I was like I really want to finish it right now I wanna be dead but then I stopped the attempt because the wardrobe would be too weak to hold and I wasn't alone at home.
So all I can say is I feel trapped in a nightmare, I have no friends I am completely alone my family don't understand how close i am to ctb and of course I can't talk with them about this all so I thought maybe I could chat with someone here maybe it'll help clean my mind while exchanging whats going on with someone else instead of exchanging whats going on all the time just with myself and maybe with my diary where I just write how terrible the situation is , how sad my life was and how necessary it is to kill myself as soon as possible.
I feel absolutely trapped in a nightmare just to show it ya'll with an example….right now its 10:20pm and my plan is to be awake as long as possible hopefully until 10 am so i can sleep until 8pm and then when I wake up everyone the whole family will go to sleep few hours later and at least for some hours it will all be so peacefully quiet and nobody will be there to trigger me. Just think of it this is my life my sad home situation where I wanna escape from my annoying family and this is the only way to do that and also I am awake now since 8am I really don't know how i'll manage to be awake so long….
