Discussion Can leaving ever feel truly good and peaceful?

[wordsonscreen]

I fluctuate between feeling tired and hopeless or anxious and desperate to ctb. There are very few moments when I feel fully physically at peace with this decision. I'm grieving- nothing about this feels... good. Its painful and I'm just grateful to have a way to find relief. How do you experience this process of moving towards death? I'm not referring to the moment of death but the days/weeks leading up to it. What does it feel like for you?

I wonder if we can ctb while feeling TOTALLY good about it. But I guess that is the point- we can feel desperate for relief and be in pain, while knowing that it is the correct decision. Not every right decision feels good in the moment. Is it supposed to feel good/peaceful/happy?? I also wonder if a "natural" death at 65 would feel any better/peaceful/happier. What are your thoughts?

 

[Lost Magic]

Well, for me it is bitter sweet. I don't know anything but this experience. Survival instinct is strong but the benzos and other sedatives should help calm me down on the day. I hope to be at peace with my decision and learn to forgive and let go of all attachments to this reality.

 

[Sadpat]

I've also been fighting with these exact same thoughts recently. Glad to know i'm not the only one. Hopefully we both figure it out sooner or later.

 

[wordsonscreen]

Well, for me it is bitter sweet. I don't know anything but this experience. Survival instinct is strong but the benzos and other sedatives should help calm me down on the day. I hope to be at peace with my decision and learn to forgive and let go of all attachments to this reality.

Bittersweet is a good way to describe it. I hope I can be more at peace too despite the pain. Part of me feels that if I can let go of attachments and really forgive, I might as well live. Truth is, I'm not sure this will work for me at this stage. But I appreciate your intention and I wish this for you <3

I've also been fighting with these exact same thoughts recently. Glad to know i'm not the only one. Hopefully we both figure it out sooner or later.

Gosh yeah I'm sorry you've been thinking about this too. It feels like a dead end for me. I feel like I have to accept my lack of peace. I'm leaving BECAUSE my peace is disrupted in (what feels like) a very permanent way. There isn't anything good about this except that I have this community for support and access to means. If there was anything worth feeling good about, I might not be staring at my SN bottle each night. Its like a snake eating its own tail :p I want death to feel peaceful but I am doing this BECAUSE I am suffering.

 

[Sadpat]

Bittersweet is a good way to describe it. I hope I can be more at peace too despite the pain. Part of me feels that if I can let go of attachments and really forgive, I might as well live. Truth is, I'm not sure this will work for me at this stage. But I appreciate your intention and I wish this for you <3

Gosh yeah I'm sorry you've been thinking about this too. It feels like a dead end for me. I feel like I have to accept my lack of peace. I'm leaving BECAUSE my peace is disrupted in (what feels like) a very permanent way. There isn't anything good about this except that I have this community for support and access to means. If there was anything worth feeling good about, I might not be staring at my SN bottle each night. Its like a snake eating its own tail :p I want death to feel peaceful but I am doing this BECAUSE I am suffering.

Exactly. I'm suffering but I can't seem to take the leap to put myself first. All I can think about is how it's going to effect other people, but I know sooner or later i'm going to have to "be selfish" and finally do whats best for me.

 

[LakatosDiogenesz]

I'll probably die full of fear or anger, I wouldn't be able to get the energy to do it otherwise. Maybe in my very last moments I can be at peace knowing that it's finally over but I never got that far so idk.

 

[BeansOfRequirement]

It's just a couple of seconds, not even worth considering.