GoodPersonEffed
Brevity is my middle name, but my name was TL
- Jan 11, 2020
- 6,727
I read in a book once that a woman told her friend that she'd been horrible to her sister about something years before and wanted to apologize, but they were not in contact and it would make things worse to approach her. The friend replied, "My brother did something similar to me and I always wanted an apology. I feel better for hearing your story and I accept the apology you would give to your sister." And they both felt better.
I've done a lot of thinking about amends. The definition I like best is setting things right.
I have three former friends I'd like to apologize to but we are no longer in contact and it would not be wise to contact them. So instead, if you need an apology for something like this, I hope you'll accept. Maybe something in one of the following stories will help to set something right for you.
In high school, I had a boyfriend commit suicide with no warning. It was traumatizing. After that, I was very pro-lifey and not understanding when others were suicidal. I operated from the belief that suicide was selfish, because that's how my family and others judged his action. It gave me a false sense of being right, and I was quite rigid about it.
A couple years later, my best friend said she was thinking about suicide, and I snapped at her, "Are you serious? Because I'll get my dad's gun for you." She shut up about it. Now I would say to her: I was caught up in my own stuff and didn't hear you or your pain. I'm so sorry I wasn't understanding, that I cut you off, and that I invalidated you and what you were experiencing. The fault was mine, not yours. If I knocked over anything in you, I hope this helps to set it right again. I'm sorry.
In grad school I had a friend who had a lot of issues with being helpless. She was trying, and having a hard time. She OD'd and set it up so that a friend would find her, and she was rescued. I was very angry and judgmental that she seemed to have set it up to be rescued, and that it was just a cry for help and attention. Later she sent me an email about something unrelated, and in my response I ripped into her about her attempt. We never spoke again. Now I would say to her: You had to be going through really hard things to attempt, and I attacked and shamed you. I was caught up in my own stuff and didn't see you. I'm so sorry I judged and hurt you when you were already hurting and trying to recover. The fault was mine, not yours. If I knocked over anything in you, I hope this helps to set it right again. I'm sorry.
I had a best friend for many years who was suicidal. She held on for those she loved. Whenever she would try to talk to me about being suicidal, I negated her feelings, spouted platitudes, and offered unhelpful solutions instead of listening, acknowledging, and validating. I would say to her now: I didn't understand. I was caught up in my own stuff and couldn't hear or see you. I'm so sorry I invalidated you and didn't listen. The fault was mine, not yours. If I knocked over anything in you, I hope this helps to set it right again. I'm sorry.
A few years ago, I had a friend who was suicidal. I listened without judging. I acknowledged and honored her feelings. I listened to her plan and talked through any challenges I thought she might not have considered. I listened to all the ways she was trying to make things better for herself, in spite of it feeling like an uphill battle, and offered suggestions I thought might serve her, without being attached to whether she would take them or not. I accepted her feelings, and I accepted her autonomy and right to choose. I didn't get emotionally involved in her decisions and try to change her mind, and I didn't try to fix anything, I just showed that I cared and accepted, and she felt better for my having listened. I didn't knock anything over, I supported her to stay upright. She eventually got effective help and, last I heard, was no longer suicidal and never attempted. I am glad for her, but I would have accepted whatever outcome and only wished her well in any circumstance. I can't undo what I did in the past, but I healed and did better for others moving forward, not just in a forum, but irl, before I even knew pro-choice was a thing. I worked hard on my healing and became pro-choice about a lot of things. I'm not perfect and never will be, but I'm a much better person than I was before.
I hope that anyone who needs an apology they're not going to otherwise receive gets some comfort from mine, and knows that I have changed for the better and will not hurt another in that way again. I hope, if it's possible, and if you need and want it, that this helps to set something right in you.
I've done a lot of thinking about amends. The definition I like best is setting things right.
I have three former friends I'd like to apologize to but we are no longer in contact and it would not be wise to contact them. So instead, if you need an apology for something like this, I hope you'll accept. Maybe something in one of the following stories will help to set something right for you.
In high school, I had a boyfriend commit suicide with no warning. It was traumatizing. After that, I was very pro-lifey and not understanding when others were suicidal. I operated from the belief that suicide was selfish, because that's how my family and others judged his action. It gave me a false sense of being right, and I was quite rigid about it.
A couple years later, my best friend said she was thinking about suicide, and I snapped at her, "Are you serious? Because I'll get my dad's gun for you." She shut up about it. Now I would say to her: I was caught up in my own stuff and didn't hear you or your pain. I'm so sorry I wasn't understanding, that I cut you off, and that I invalidated you and what you were experiencing. The fault was mine, not yours. If I knocked over anything in you, I hope this helps to set it right again. I'm sorry.
In grad school I had a friend who had a lot of issues with being helpless. She was trying, and having a hard time. She OD'd and set it up so that a friend would find her, and she was rescued. I was very angry and judgmental that she seemed to have set it up to be rescued, and that it was just a cry for help and attention. Later she sent me an email about something unrelated, and in my response I ripped into her about her attempt. We never spoke again. Now I would say to her: You had to be going through really hard things to attempt, and I attacked and shamed you. I was caught up in my own stuff and didn't see you. I'm so sorry I judged and hurt you when you were already hurting and trying to recover. The fault was mine, not yours. If I knocked over anything in you, I hope this helps to set it right again. I'm sorry.
I had a best friend for many years who was suicidal. She held on for those she loved. Whenever she would try to talk to me about being suicidal, I negated her feelings, spouted platitudes, and offered unhelpful solutions instead of listening, acknowledging, and validating. I would say to her now: I didn't understand. I was caught up in my own stuff and couldn't hear or see you. I'm so sorry I invalidated you and didn't listen. The fault was mine, not yours. If I knocked over anything in you, I hope this helps to set it right again. I'm sorry.
A few years ago, I had a friend who was suicidal. I listened without judging. I acknowledged and honored her feelings. I listened to her plan and talked through any challenges I thought she might not have considered. I listened to all the ways she was trying to make things better for herself, in spite of it feeling like an uphill battle, and offered suggestions I thought might serve her, without being attached to whether she would take them or not. I accepted her feelings, and I accepted her autonomy and right to choose. I didn't get emotionally involved in her decisions and try to change her mind, and I didn't try to fix anything, I just showed that I cared and accepted, and she felt better for my having listened. I didn't knock anything over, I supported her to stay upright. She eventually got effective help and, last I heard, was no longer suicidal and never attempted. I am glad for her, but I would have accepted whatever outcome and only wished her well in any circumstance. I can't undo what I did in the past, but I healed and did better for others moving forward, not just in a forum, but irl, before I even knew pro-choice was a thing. I worked hard on my healing and became pro-choice about a lot of things. I'm not perfect and never will be, but I'm a much better person than I was before.
I hope that anyone who needs an apology they're not going to otherwise receive gets some comfort from mine, and knows that I have changed for the better and will not hurt another in that way again. I hope, if it's possible, and if you need and want it, that this helps to set something right in you.
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