Can anyone understand me?

[project77]

Let me tell you quickly about my situation if youre interested. Id like your opinion.
I finally finished university two years ago after studying for a very long time (8 yr).
I studied physics one of my biggest interestes besides philosophy and psychology.
I basicly knew towards the end that I´m fucked. Well at least in my opinion. I kinda new
that I dont want a "normal" life and even in moments where I wish I had friends, a family, a good job... I know its unrealistic, it will ever happen because I wont do anything to archive it and I even doubt I would be happy then.
I never worked and couldnt imagine doing stuff I hate for most of the day. Now I kinda have to.
So even with my fukked life I constantly get to hear from other ppl that I still have plenty of options
and that im throwing my life away. Zero understanding for my perspective and extreme anger towards me
for not wanting to try to get a life they seem worthy.
I only studied or followed my hobbies (gaming, reading, music, sports). Typical no lifer.
I lost the few friends I had at the beginning of my studies. I never had a girlfriend or some kind of relationship.
Again probably cause of my low self worth. Another thing noone understands. I think Im unattractive despite how many times I get told the opposite. I cant lie to myself, I dont feel this way. Same goes for my academic or other life "archivements". I obviously failed at life. Part willingly, part out of lazyness. But mostly I think cause of my mental problems. Mainly social anxiety, that over the years also caused depression. (I think due to loneliness).
So to the point. I knew this all at the end of my studies. I was satisfied for the moment with what i archived and wanted to end it on a good note.
Yet here I am, I was and still to a part are afraid to do it. So now everyday I get degraded by having to attend
activities where I get treated like shit to receive wellfare. And are forced to apply to jobs begging for them pretending they are my dream jobs and what I always wanted to do. After that I come home everyday, tired, empty, depressed. At the weekend I mostly lie I my bed crying.
I hate myself for depending on other ppl to live. I hate myself for getting myself into this situation and for not being able to end it.
Despite that I think most ppl in this world would trade their life for mine anyday but I just hate it. Im already going in the direction of telling everyone to Fukk off. This would be so liberatiing, but I fear the consequences. (No food, homeless....)
The worst part is, I talked to a bunch of psychotherapist thru the last years. Even had therapy and took antidepressants. Not anymore. Not saying it wont help. Im currently again in therapy. But dont expect to much. In my opinion youll only get better if you have goals, motivation and the willingness to suffer, to change your life. Also the basic problems remains. You cant discuss suicide with mental heath professionals and be totally honest about how far you are in the process (thinking about methods and plans) unless you want to spend time as an inpatient in a psychiatric hospital and/or willing to take medication.
I dont have a special preference to die. I just dont want to live in this state of mind anymore and dont care what I takes to change it.
So what do you think? Do I have the right to feel this way in my situation?

 

[Dean]

You have every right to feel however you do. Never apologize for your feelings. I was in a similar situation for you when I graduated and I felt a bit lost. Have you considered grad school? Doing something your passionate about will make you feel better and lots of programs offer funding and stipends. Even if your GPA isn't the best, programs look for students that have passion in the subject and are willing to research. In many cases they don't even mind if you switch over to another discipline. For example, philosophy graduate programs will like your physics degree because it shows you can think critically. I'm going to tell you in my experience therapy doesn't help, but everyone is different. It's time you can spend going after what you want in life. You mention you have hobbies. That's great. Find a way to maximize your time doing those and going after your passions. Even if you have to work a boring job for 8 hours, at least you'll have something to look forward to. Your life doesn't sound hopeless to me, you just need to go after what you want and find your own happiness.

 

[Temporarilyabsurd]

@project77

It seems to me you got lost in the 'long game'.
Post grad , institutuional surfing ?

I'm a total drop out , so can only surmise from the outside .

You kind of sank into a quick sand of 'graduating' ?

" all the basic problems remains "

every one of us has those. We are either distracted from them or focus on them to inflate them into insurmountable's.

I'm always raving on about ' modeling' the situation we are all in creatively.

My basic standpoint is that no-one has 'the truth' of the human condition , because we are all different , with different situations and there is no single 'model' that is a fits all model.


For an intellectual like yourself , is it at all interesting to view the self's suffering in relation to possible causes ?

For myself , I just get trampled by my inner hopelessness .... I see that as an inherited low mood that defuses all forward motion.

Loneliness and a sense of detachment from communally held beliefs and meaning sock it to me , as well as the low mood that
is the empty tank of passion.

I have no answers , only the trite obvious things any therapist would tell us ,


We all need a 'natural bed rock niche' socially . communally , culturally , and if this is not beneath us , then life is a storm of meaningless detachment. As the cultural belonging is a life-time installation , it is difficult to 'synthesize'.


I am coming to the realization that ' giving up ' and ruminating suicidally is a secret stress alleviation we develop and habituate well before we are aware of it's long term effects.

It may have some socially positive results , as in acquiescence to authority and subservience to cultural systems that are a cost to the individual but represent a gain for society . This idea is in relation to people who seem to live well , but actually are not 'being' and have elected a form of compliant slavery to 'the system' ( the super ego ? ) that drowns out the needs of the ego ? Shiney cars and big houses but without the 'career' role ... not much is really going on .

Civilization has always been right royally fucked up and to expect some comfort from it while 'self actualizing' or at the least having some 'peace of mind ' maybe actually beyond the realms of possibility .

It supplies us with our physical needs , but it is spiritually questionable at best .

We all need to allow ourselves to slide into some low key social interactions that over time can bloom into a sense of belonging .
Then something will mean something , as our own personal evaluation is insufficient.

We are social beings , so this is way more important than we lead ourselves to believe in our isolation .

 

[undertherainbow]

You sound like me when I finished grad school. I get it. I ended up working a job for a bit in an industry only loosely connected to my MA . I flipping hated it and loved it at the same time. I loved teaching, but hated the mundane politics of coworkers, corporate expectations and those stupid "team building" exercises. I hated that my botoxed-loving boss was in control of my life. I now work for myself and though I dont make as much, I get to skip the bullshit and actually use my degrees. I do recommend gaining some work experience before working for yourself. I learned a lot from my bosses mistakes. You sound smart, you probably have a good idea to market.

 

[Justanotherconsumer]

https://www.bls.gov/ooh/life-physical-and-social-science/physicists-and-astronomers.htm#tab-1

I think you owe it to yourself to try. Social circles will always change according to your circle of influence, social standing, and yes money, obviously academia is doing nothing for you in that regard. Get a job, put yourself out there and see what turns up. Whatever it is will beat the hell out of wellfare. physics must excite you somewhat whether it be research ect. Who knows maybe you will develope means to end human life on earth thereby saving us the trouble.