Hello there wonderful and really kind people . I'm going to CTB in 22 or 23 hours from now , and before I ask you for your help , I'll tell you about myself a little bit .
I am 28 years old male , alone for almost 15 years , never had a friend , and barely talk to my family and for the last 10 years unemployed and always stay in my room playing game and scrolling on my phone . NEVER EVER HAD A JOB IN MY ENTIRE LIFE , and take a lot of loan from loan apps
People always say ( my big family ) I have a deadpan face , talk too little , and don't wanna be approached . But I was just having a big social anxiety , and overthinking too , way too overthinking . The fact that I have this text ready for 2 days and scared to post it here , that just overthinking I am . Everytime my family force me to having a family gathering , a day or two before it happen , I usually cant sleep and having a panic attack just thinking about it .
But somehow , I want someone accompany me the day , the hours , the minute I do CTB . Maybe my feelings for loneliness or I really scared dying alone is too strong .
I am a coward , If you feel like I ghosting you , trust me I'm not . There is a time when my cousin tried to invite me to hang out , and I just stare at the text , for 3-4 hours ( yes , literally ) and then just close it because I was too scared and my heartbeat can't stop beating . But they thought I was being cold to them , they thought they being bother to me and they hate me now .
I'm sorry it become a venting , I want a friend but I am such a coward and piece of shit , but still want my CTB hearing someone voice / maybe chatting with them . that the TL:DR about my post . Thanks for someone even thinking / reading about it . Really ..... thank you
I am 28 years old male , alone for almost 15 years , never had a friend , and barely talk to my family and for the last 10 years unemployed and always stay in my room playing game and scrolling on my phone . NEVER EVER HAD A JOB IN MY ENTIRE LIFE , and take a lot of loan from loan apps
People always say ( my big family ) I have a deadpan face , talk too little , and don't wanna be approached . But I was just having a big social anxiety , and overthinking too , way too overthinking . The fact that I have this text ready for 2 days and scared to post it here , that just overthinking I am . Everytime my family force me to having a family gathering , a day or two before it happen , I usually cant sleep and having a panic attack just thinking about it .
But somehow , I want someone accompany me the day , the hours , the minute I do CTB . Maybe my feelings for loneliness or I really scared dying alone is too strong .
I am a coward , If you feel like I ghosting you , trust me I'm not . There is a time when my cousin tried to invite me to hang out , and I just stare at the text , for 3-4 hours ( yes , literally ) and then just close it because I was too scared and my heartbeat can't stop beating . But they thought I was being cold to them , they thought they being bother to me and they hate me now .
I'm sorry it become a venting , I want a friend but I am such a coward and piece of shit , but still want my CTB hearing someone voice / maybe chatting with them . that the TL:DR about my post . Thanks for someone even thinking / reading about it . Really ..... thank you
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You're not a coward or anything of the sort. I think even just making an account here and posting this takes a certain amount of bravery, so don't discredit yourself too much. I personally wouldn't be able to fulfill the request you're asking for, but whatever happens for you going forward I hope you find the peace you deserve. Many hugs 
