Cyc
It's my fight and I have surrendered.
- Jan 22, 2026
- 242
If you're reading this then I've attempted to ctb by SN. I know a lot of people will say I'm too young but I've been through too much suffering and I can't take it anymore
My parents were quite strict and religious growing up, I didn't have much freedom and was also an undiagnosed autistic which led to me being quite isolated from my peers as I struggled to communicate and relate to them. I was then sexually abused for 3 years, which led me to become hypersexual which is something I still struggle with today. This is when I first started feeling suicidal, and the feeling hasn't left since. Then I entered my first relationship at 15 where I was emotionally abused and had every aspect of my life monitored and controlled to the point I lost nearly all my friends and permanently damaged my relationship with my family. I also got raped and sexually assaulted multiple times during this period.
After nearly a year and a half I managed to leave that relationship. I started to dissociate frequently and get flashbacks and nightmares, which I still struggle with today. I also lost interest in all my old hobbies like anime, videogames and playing guitar. I'd become a shell of a person and I still am
Life did get better. I found new friends, got into new relationships, but the feeling was still there. I still felt suicidal, I still wasn't happy. I got sexually assaulted two more times by someone I dated for about 6 months, and I also got choked at a party a few months ago by one of my former friends. My home situation contributed to this as I was pretending to be a muslim for my parents, and also my mother in particular hasn't been the best. She was also quite depressed and suicidal and often took it out on me which affected my self esteem. One time she beat me up into a concussion and I had to go to the hospital, yet social services did nothing because my injuries weren't "life threatening".
On top of this I have chronic migraines which are only getting worse and worse and make my current life unbearable. I'm in physical pain most days. I also have severe anaemia which makes me constantly tired.
I still get flashbacks and nightmares to everything that happened. I struggle to trust people and open up. I've tried to get help but the NHS took me off the CBT therapy waiting list and gave no clear explanation even when I rang up and asked. I've thought about my decision to CTB very carefully for a while now; initially I was going to put it off due to something with a close friend but I think now is the time
There are some particular members I would like to thank. @GhostCat25 for supporting me through my journey of buying SN and antiemetics and @WhiteHorse144 for being a lovely friend.
I'd also like to thank everyone who's ever read or interacted with any of my posts, I'm amazed at the amount of empathy I've been shown whenever I share my struggles
Goodbye SaSu
Cyc <3
My parents were quite strict and religious growing up, I didn't have much freedom and was also an undiagnosed autistic which led to me being quite isolated from my peers as I struggled to communicate and relate to them. I was then sexually abused for 3 years, which led me to become hypersexual which is something I still struggle with today. This is when I first started feeling suicidal, and the feeling hasn't left since. Then I entered my first relationship at 15 where I was emotionally abused and had every aspect of my life monitored and controlled to the point I lost nearly all my friends and permanently damaged my relationship with my family. I also got raped and sexually assaulted multiple times during this period.
After nearly a year and a half I managed to leave that relationship. I started to dissociate frequently and get flashbacks and nightmares, which I still struggle with today. I also lost interest in all my old hobbies like anime, videogames and playing guitar. I'd become a shell of a person and I still am
Life did get better. I found new friends, got into new relationships, but the feeling was still there. I still felt suicidal, I still wasn't happy. I got sexually assaulted two more times by someone I dated for about 6 months, and I also got choked at a party a few months ago by one of my former friends. My home situation contributed to this as I was pretending to be a muslim for my parents, and also my mother in particular hasn't been the best. She was also quite depressed and suicidal and often took it out on me which affected my self esteem. One time she beat me up into a concussion and I had to go to the hospital, yet social services did nothing because my injuries weren't "life threatening".
On top of this I have chronic migraines which are only getting worse and worse and make my current life unbearable. I'm in physical pain most days. I also have severe anaemia which makes me constantly tired.
I still get flashbacks and nightmares to everything that happened. I struggle to trust people and open up. I've tried to get help but the NHS took me off the CBT therapy waiting list and gave no clear explanation even when I rang up and asked. I've thought about my decision to CTB very carefully for a while now; initially I was going to put it off due to something with a close friend but I think now is the time
There are some particular members I would like to thank. @GhostCat25 for supporting me through my journey of buying SN and antiemetics and @WhiteHorse144 for being a lovely friend.
I'd also like to thank everyone who's ever read or interacted with any of my posts, I'm amazed at the amount of empathy I've been shown whenever I share my struggles
Goodbye SaSu
Cyc <3
rest easy
