Same here unfortunately, lack too much confidence in myself to learn how to use it. Kinda have my heart set on N but just don't really even trust any of the info on here, my own abilities, package getting here safely, anything really.
I had an account on here a couple years ago and was going through the same process, didn't trust anyone or myself. I come here once in a while for hope, because my life is ruined, but it becomes yet another thing I fail at. I would probably use a shotgun if I could get one, seems reliable and too fast to be painful, but then again, probably so scary that survival instinct kicks in. I sincerely hope there is no afterlife or cosmic eternity, I assume I deserve to be punished for giving up. It is out of selfishness and cowardice that I have. I guess I'm ranting now, there just isn't anyone you can talk to about life being over, it's not just depression, like the symptoms of mental illness that have manifested, my life would just be better if it painlessly over. This life serves no purpose and is just perpetuating a meaningless suffering that I refuse to accept.