I don't know if there's anything anyone can do to help but I can't make things worse. (I hope). I was diagnosed with ADHD in middle age - it did not "exist" when I was young. And the second I was diagnosed, I understood myself so much better - such an insight into a lot of my failings. I have tried multiple meds at varying doses, in combination with therapy & supplements & tried a bunch of strategies & on & on & radical change was achieved in some areas.
But I still want to CTB & that's just not going to change. Never.
For context, I've been referred to a bunch of specialists because every doctor says I have the worst case they've seen. They're having a great time writing papers about my fucked up brain & genes & all the coping mechanisms I used to hide a disease I didn't know I had, for a lifetime.
When I joined this site, I had a real time crunch problem as I didn't have a fixed address for very long (which changed but not for much longer). I was desperate & running around trying to prepare.
And I've had success - I have SN from DMC (tested & happy with it), an AE - Prochlorperazine - I can't take meto plus I have benzo's (diazepam / Valium).
So theoretically, I can just go.
But my life is complicated (it's not good) & I need to find a time to go & then go.
I am 100% certain I want to do this. And do this soon.
I think as soon as I write a protocol, I could pick a date. Or as soon as I pick a date, I could write my protocol.
And this is where it's tricky - I just can't do it. I'm stuck.
Stuck, stuck, stuck.
I don't really allow myself to sit down, I'm always busy, never lazy, always putting myself last. Which I keep swearing I'll stop but I'm stuck there too.
The ridiculous thing is, instead of writing my protocol, picking a date & CTB'ing (WHICH IS WHAT I WANT), I'm literally doing Swedish death cleaning & finding ways to pay for my cremation & trying to organise stuff like that first - I have never wanted anyone to be put out by me in life, I don't want to do it in death. Even for people who really, really don't deserve it.
I've tried everything I can think of - setting timers for each task, making checklists & deadlines & trying to make progress.
But I'm stuck.
It doesn't help (I repeat this a lot sorry) I'm stuck with only an iPhone & limited digital privacy & limited physical safety. That's not the whole reason for wanting to CTB either.
I tried to read what I've written above & all I see is excuses, excuses, excuses.
Who needs this shit spoonfed to them?
Well, apparently me.
I need to go, I need it to be this year, I won't change my mind.
I just need a stat protocol for my meds, a date that fits in with the complicated stuff & to make it happen - trying to do a vacate clean & donating half my clothes to charity & stuff like that is keeping me permanently busy but permanently further from my goal.
I hate it - wanting one thing & doing another.
Being my own worst enemy.
And then the failure of it compounds & I previously set a CTB date & when I missed it, I was so staggeringly ashamed I nearly quit SaSu. When I have nowhere else to go.
And my person here just caught their bus & I'm so overwhelmingly happy for them, truly, so pleased, it's what they wanted, it's how we met. I miss them though.
And it's highlighting how other people can achieve things I can't.
Hating myself over it, wanting it to change, trying as hard as I can - I promise - TRYING AS HARD AS I CAN.
And it's just Groundhog Day & I want my bus to come as soon as possible & I'm not sure why I wrote this or if anyone will read it or what to do if they do or what to do if they don't, so I guess I'll just hit post…
But I still want to CTB & that's just not going to change. Never.
For context, I've been referred to a bunch of specialists because every doctor says I have the worst case they've seen. They're having a great time writing papers about my fucked up brain & genes & all the coping mechanisms I used to hide a disease I didn't know I had, for a lifetime.
When I joined this site, I had a real time crunch problem as I didn't have a fixed address for very long (which changed but not for much longer). I was desperate & running around trying to prepare.
And I've had success - I have SN from DMC (tested & happy with it), an AE - Prochlorperazine - I can't take meto plus I have benzo's (diazepam / Valium).
So theoretically, I can just go.
But my life is complicated (it's not good) & I need to find a time to go & then go.
I am 100% certain I want to do this. And do this soon.
I think as soon as I write a protocol, I could pick a date. Or as soon as I pick a date, I could write my protocol.
And this is where it's tricky - I just can't do it. I'm stuck.
Stuck, stuck, stuck.
I don't really allow myself to sit down, I'm always busy, never lazy, always putting myself last. Which I keep swearing I'll stop but I'm stuck there too.
The ridiculous thing is, instead of writing my protocol, picking a date & CTB'ing (WHICH IS WHAT I WANT), I'm literally doing Swedish death cleaning & finding ways to pay for my cremation & trying to organise stuff like that first - I have never wanted anyone to be put out by me in life, I don't want to do it in death. Even for people who really, really don't deserve it.
I've tried everything I can think of - setting timers for each task, making checklists & deadlines & trying to make progress.
But I'm stuck.
It doesn't help (I repeat this a lot sorry) I'm stuck with only an iPhone & limited digital privacy & limited physical safety. That's not the whole reason for wanting to CTB either.
I tried to read what I've written above & all I see is excuses, excuses, excuses.
Who needs this shit spoonfed to them?
Well, apparently me.
I need to go, I need it to be this year, I won't change my mind.
I just need a stat protocol for my meds, a date that fits in with the complicated stuff & to make it happen - trying to do a vacate clean & donating half my clothes to charity & stuff like that is keeping me permanently busy but permanently further from my goal.
I hate it - wanting one thing & doing another.
Being my own worst enemy.
And then the failure of it compounds & I previously set a CTB date & when I missed it, I was so staggeringly ashamed I nearly quit SaSu. When I have nowhere else to go.
And my person here just caught their bus & I'm so overwhelmingly happy for them, truly, so pleased, it's what they wanted, it's how we met. I miss them though.
And it's highlighting how other people can achieve things I can't.
Hating myself over it, wanting it to change, trying as hard as I can - I promise - TRYING AS HARD AS I CAN.
And it's just Groundhog Day & I want my bus to come as soon as possible & I'm not sure why I wrote this or if anyone will read it or what to do if they do or what to do if they don't, so I guess I'll just hit post…
