trying2understand
Member
- Jan 27, 2022
- 8
First of all, I'm sorry for the randomness of this post. I'm writing because I'm not sure how to deal with this feeling alone anymore. I am also telling you in advance that I am going to talk about some mental agony prior to ctb, in case you prefer not to read/think about that.
My young brother used to come to this website, he ctb some months ago. At first I started to come to this site looking for some answers, in his posts but in yours as well in a quite pointless attempt to understand and make sense of what happened. Let me just say that I'm neutral about this community and mean no harm in this post, I am just venting and hoping to get some insights that might help me cope.
Some months before my brother passed he called me and he was very upset,I had never seen him like that before. He was venting about some problems in his life and he said something along the lines of "I feel like everyone would be better of if I wasn't here" and I instantly thought that he was considering suicide, but instead of asking him that and giving him a place to talk about it, I just said that it wasn't true, that I couldn't even imagine life without him but that I was sure it would be very shitty. I was horrified about his words and the thought of ever losing him, and I feel so selfish, because I should've given him a space to talk about these ideas, I should have been more calm and open. After 2h talking he seemed more okay, but he never called me again with these thoughts, and I think that he never did because he probably didn't felt understood.
My time in this website and what what happened to my brother has changed the way I see suicide and life in general. I've been questioning a lot of things. I keep having dreams where I accept the fact that he is going to ctb and that there's nothing I can do about that, we spend a very happy last day and I stay with him until he's gone. Never leaving him alone...
The day he ctb, he tried calling an ambulance and I had access to this call. I don't know if it was the survival instinct or actual regret. The fact was that he was terrified, asking for help, trying to vomit (SN Method), but he eventually realized (because of the symptoms he was having) that the ambulance would not make it there on time. He was sobbing, he kept saying "what have I done, what was I thinking". I heard this call once but I hear it everyday in my head. I can't accept the fact that he was so alone and scared in his last moments and I can't forgive myself for not being there with him. I keep dreaming that I hold his hand, calm him down and tell him that it would be ok. But this is such a weird wish, because I know that if I was there I would do everything to save him. I'm trapped in this thoughts, I feel so selfish for that call, and for the fact that even if I was there, I would't let him do what he wanted. I hate myself so much for not being there for him. I keep trying to see this in a different perspective but I can't... I don't know what to do anymore, I don't know how to handle this guilt.
My young brother used to come to this website, he ctb some months ago. At first I started to come to this site looking for some answers, in his posts but in yours as well in a quite pointless attempt to understand and make sense of what happened. Let me just say that I'm neutral about this community and mean no harm in this post, I am just venting and hoping to get some insights that might help me cope.
Some months before my brother passed he called me and he was very upset,I had never seen him like that before. He was venting about some problems in his life and he said something along the lines of "I feel like everyone would be better of if I wasn't here" and I instantly thought that he was considering suicide, but instead of asking him that and giving him a place to talk about it, I just said that it wasn't true, that I couldn't even imagine life without him but that I was sure it would be very shitty. I was horrified about his words and the thought of ever losing him, and I feel so selfish, because I should've given him a space to talk about these ideas, I should have been more calm and open. After 2h talking he seemed more okay, but he never called me again with these thoughts, and I think that he never did because he probably didn't felt understood.
My time in this website and what what happened to my brother has changed the way I see suicide and life in general. I've been questioning a lot of things. I keep having dreams where I accept the fact that he is going to ctb and that there's nothing I can do about that, we spend a very happy last day and I stay with him until he's gone. Never leaving him alone...
The day he ctb, he tried calling an ambulance and I had access to this call. I don't know if it was the survival instinct or actual regret. The fact was that he was terrified, asking for help, trying to vomit (SN Method), but he eventually realized (because of the symptoms he was having) that the ambulance would not make it there on time. He was sobbing, he kept saying "what have I done, what was I thinking". I heard this call once but I hear it everyday in my head. I can't accept the fact that he was so alone and scared in his last moments and I can't forgive myself for not being there with him. I keep dreaming that I hold his hand, calm him down and tell him that it would be ok. But this is such a weird wish, because I know that if I was there I would do everything to save him. I'm trapped in this thoughts, I feel so selfish for that call, and for the fact that even if I was there, I would't let him do what he wanted. I hate myself so much for not being there for him. I keep trying to see this in a different perspective but I can't... I don't know what to do anymore, I don't know how to handle this guilt.