Story Breaking free

[ATLTC]

Im 31 years old . I was born into a family that treated me like a mistake. Not once consistently. Instead of building myself on solid ground, I had to grow despite a foundation that kept collapsing.

I looked for affection wherever I could find it. Friends who took advantage of me. Relationships where I gave everything to make up for what I had never received. Each time, it reinforced the original message: that I have no intrinsic worth.

I am a Black man with empathy in a world that reads that as weakness. I found myself alone between multiple worlds not enough of this, too much of that.

I use to work in cinema which can be viewed as not sustainable but I did award winning project and other stuff that prove the viability of my ambitions. But that wasn't enough and they actively try to sabotage my career and my life. Progressively isolating me from everything outside of the family environment. I gave up my ambitions as a matter of survival and just to have some peace. I followed my parents wishes and still I didn't get it anyway.

They have now throw me out and I am on the street, exhausted, with no one, no money and only a week of relief in a homeless shelter.

This is not a failed life. It's a life that has been sabotaged by others from the start and held together by me alone for far too long. And even with the off chance that I will make it one day… I will be so broken and bartered down that it will not be a life worth living anymore. I know what's need to be done to achieved peace. I'm just held back by my theological upbringing, that's the last obstacle i need to overcome. Maybe here I will finally able to find the strength to finally accede to my solace.

 

[Burning_soul]

I'm so sorry this world has been so cruel to you. I fully understand the painful desire to be valued by people who don't care for you, or frame your value in a set of conditions that, even when achieved, reveal they were never going to care about you anyways. Your empathy is not weak, no matter how the world has bastardised it. The whole "strong" "weak" dichotomy has some undertones of people trying to make it your problem they are harmful and awful. It's such an awful world we live in that families feel it's perfectly acceptable to leave their children out on the streets. I hope they live a lifetime of guilt for their action, or face the misery it should have justly brought up in them. I hope you can reach some peaceful resolution, potentially even through a recovery where you can find people who do care and get out of your current situation with the help of the people on this platform. You matter, you're always valuable no matter how people toss you around.

 

[ATLTC]

I'm so sorry this world has been so cruel to you. I fully understand the painful desire to be valued by people who don't care for you, or frame your value in a set of conditions that, even when achieved, reveal they were never going to care about you anyways. Your empathy is not weak, no matter how the world has bastardised it. The whole "strong" "weak" dichotomy has some undertones of people trying to make it your problem they are harmful and awful. It's such an awful world we live in that families feel it's perfectly acceptable to leave their children out on the streets. I hope they live a lifetime of guilt for their action, or face the misery it should have justly brought up in them. I hope you can reach some peaceful resolution, potentially even through a recovery where you can find people who do care and get out of your current situation with the help of the people on this platform. You matter, you're always valuable no matter how people toss you around.

It's okay , I don't believe I matter. Not anymore at least. I only mattered if i would uphold to the preconceived idea or role that people and society had for me. They always held it against me for some reason to not match the stereotype they believe in around me. « you speak too well for a black man like you » , « I don't believe you're name like that , you sound too educated ». Basically I was pretending of being white in a black skin for everyone. My family were the one who hold it against me the most and treated me as an abomination. I was just the product of my environment. I was a victim of determinism and internalize self hatred. My place was nowhere. It's okay I made my peace with it.

My principal sin for my parent was religion, I wasn't very pious , but not by lack of interest, it turns out that it was their very rigid and strict application of it that turn me away. Not outside influence. Them. Beating me , not because I wasn't doing it, but because I didn't do it properly according to them. I realized in the end it was always just an excuse to dunk on me. I was their perfect punching bag. In the end the event that lead to be on the street was my father trying to strangled me only stopped by my mother telling him to not waste his time , « he would kill himself anyway ». After calling the cops against them they flipped the narrative against me since there's no witness. Cops did find mark on my neck which corroborated my version of the story. After that I blocked every persons of my family. Those monsters. They already lost a child. Yes my sister, who ran away never to be found because of the toxic environment we lived in. They act as if she has never existed. None of this should have happen. We were all good kids who had ambition , wanted to work. None of us were trouble. And yet they treated us like dirt. My father was a crook who would took in immigrant from his home country and basically extort them money to pay his rent , which they obliged since they had no choice. He always treated these kid better than us and almost like it was there children more than we were. Probably so they wouldn't rebel against them.

As for my friend or people I use to interact with they just were turn off in the end by my struggle and ended up abandoning me one by one. Always come back when they needed something out of me. Until they didn't needed me anymore. I am at a point where my social anxiety push me to have minimal human interaction. Iam to scared to engage with society. And my mind is made up. Despite all this I lived a good life. I had a girlfriend that I loved for 5 years, it was the best feeling I could ever imagine. I won a prize at the most prestigious film festival in the world which I would never thought would happen from where I come from. I have no regret. Except that I wish I didn't believe to these principal of love , friendship and compassion as I did. It's too late to learn now , too late to rewire everything. And like I said even if I come to survive this I will always be just a shadow of what I use to be. And telling my self I need to meet the great beyond give me more relief than any vision of what the future could bring in ideal condition with these predicament.

 

[bl33ding_heart]

I'm so sorry the people in your life have treated you this way. They seriously suck. And you seem like a nice person that doesn't deserve that at all. I really hope your life can change for the better, but if not I hope you find peace regardless. Much love.

 

[ATLTC]

I'm so sorry the people in your life have treated you this way. They seriously suck. And you seem like a nice person that doesn't deserve that at all. I really hope your life can change for the better, but if not I hope you find peace regardless. Much love.

I don't think Im nice. At the end of the day I'm the master of my own choice. All these choices lead me here. No one is truly innocent. One of my major mistake was I wanted to please everyone. And not being committed to what matters. My cowardness toward not wanting to abandon those around me that bring me down on the hope that things would improve if I show them I was worth it and in the end even tho people did abandon me I did play a role in this outcome. I don't believe that fairness is a real things the world is just arbitrary, cruel and cold. Believing in principal put me in this predicament. And finally even tho people did abandoned me , I did myself pushed away some because of the shame my situation brought me. Maybe if I didn't those rare people would be helping me , but from my experience I don't believe so. Right now I'm just comfortable with the idea of ending it all especially with nothing else to lose anymore. I just want to be free. Nobody will miss me , and. I'm okay with that. I just hope they won't play the hypocrit by mentioning my name or paying homage. But doesn't matter I won't be feeling anything anymore.