pennydrop
Member
- Apr 10, 2024
- 9
Sorry I'm more of a lurker, I hope this is the right forum. I have no one I can talk to about this.
For context, I broke up with him. I feel like a fucking monster for not trying to make it work but I just couldn't.
Wall of text for some bullshit in spoiler, I think that's the right place for it. Who cares.
Just needed to get that off my chest. Thanks
For context, I broke up with him. I feel like a fucking monster for not trying to make it work but I just couldn't.
Wall of text for some bullshit in spoiler, I think that's the right place for it. Who cares.
We live together, he moved in with me after getting kicked out of his situation about a year ago. We both had our own pets in a 1 bed apartment. I really did try my best. He was a bit of an alcoholic, not a drunk but needed at least 2-3 drinks a night to relax. He also had a lot of health issues, mental and physical, but classically did not want treatment. I asked him to at least stop drinking, he did. His symptoms improved, he called out less. We both have a history of attempts, although as far as I know, and as far as he knows, they were both decades ago.
I still always felt like I was waiting for him to actually live with me. Don't get me wrong, we shared the same bed, same living spaces. He was just content with less, or, as it came to feel, he was content with what I provided for him, with no intention of giving anything back. 3 years, no Christmas presents, no birthday presents, nothing for anniversaries. But you can bet your ass he'd remember when his team was playing.
It was the same thing every day, watch TV or play video games. His pet had (has) fleas that he treats occasionally OTC, without going to the vet for proper treatment, or treating bedding/carpet. I have past experience with bed bugs and the thought of my pet suffering from the same (or worse) drives me crazy. Almost the whole apartment is carpeted and having to constantly treat when the root cause isn't taken care of just took a toll on me. Not to mention his pet has long, untrimmed nailed that were uncomfortable, and barely took a bath. Conveniently he would forget to bathe before the OTC treatment and it would "have to wait another month."
I couldn't take it anymore. I get it, times are tough. He'd lost all his friends from getting kicked out. It's easy for things to slip away. But it's a living, breathing creature that depends entirely on you for it's existence. It can't groom itself, treat itself, feed itself, train itself. These issues were there faaar before we moved in together, but the close proximity forced me to face it.
Beyond that, he never wanted to go out with me, always opting to order in. I can only eat out of a styrofoam box so many times. Not even a park to walk his dog. Just the same thing, day in day out. I started living in a fog, on autopilot, sinking back to the same place I've tried so hard to dig myself out of. While he was perfectly happy just to exist around me.
I gave up.
This last Christmas was the last straw. Every time he says he ordered something and it'll be here late, but nothing ever shows. Holidays are hard for him, and me, we both have seasonal depression, but he didn't want to see my family, still hasnt met some of them except for chance encounters at our place. It was so embarrassing having to drive out to my parents with him as another no show.
He felt blindsided, for sure. I said things I cant take back and he's gone back to old habits. I cared for him deeply and wanted to see him happy. I thought I could help, I thought we could figure it out together. Now I feel like I just made it all worse. I made promises I couldn't keep, like I would always be there for him, no matter what. Communication was like talking to a brick wall that said "of course, anything for you." I felt terrible because he made the effort, but the changes I thought he made for his own health just went out the window when I wasn't in the picture.
Except, of course, I am still in the picture. We live together, we work together. Everyone is asking where he is and I say it's the flu going around. They joke, say I should go home to take care of him. I haven't said anything yet. I feel like I'm in limbo. Part of me wants to take everything back, just for his sake. Yet most of me knows, I'll be miserable and making him happy won't change that. Plus, his family hates me already for being his coworker, and is telling him they'll do anything to help. We can't ever go back, I prover them all right.
I've been homeless before and told him to take all the time he needs to find his own place, which was also the plan from the beginning. It's like living with a ghost of what my life used to be. I feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders but I still can't breathe. I can't do anything to change it and it's torture.
I still always felt like I was waiting for him to actually live with me. Don't get me wrong, we shared the same bed, same living spaces. He was just content with less, or, as it came to feel, he was content with what I provided for him, with no intention of giving anything back. 3 years, no Christmas presents, no birthday presents, nothing for anniversaries. But you can bet your ass he'd remember when his team was playing.
It was the same thing every day, watch TV or play video games. His pet had (has) fleas that he treats occasionally OTC, without going to the vet for proper treatment, or treating bedding/carpet. I have past experience with bed bugs and the thought of my pet suffering from the same (or worse) drives me crazy. Almost the whole apartment is carpeted and having to constantly treat when the root cause isn't taken care of just took a toll on me. Not to mention his pet has long, untrimmed nailed that were uncomfortable, and barely took a bath. Conveniently he would forget to bathe before the OTC treatment and it would "have to wait another month."
I couldn't take it anymore. I get it, times are tough. He'd lost all his friends from getting kicked out. It's easy for things to slip away. But it's a living, breathing creature that depends entirely on you for it's existence. It can't groom itself, treat itself, feed itself, train itself. These issues were there faaar before we moved in together, but the close proximity forced me to face it.
Beyond that, he never wanted to go out with me, always opting to order in. I can only eat out of a styrofoam box so many times. Not even a park to walk his dog. Just the same thing, day in day out. I started living in a fog, on autopilot, sinking back to the same place I've tried so hard to dig myself out of. While he was perfectly happy just to exist around me.
I gave up.
This last Christmas was the last straw. Every time he says he ordered something and it'll be here late, but nothing ever shows. Holidays are hard for him, and me, we both have seasonal depression, but he didn't want to see my family, still hasnt met some of them except for chance encounters at our place. It was so embarrassing having to drive out to my parents with him as another no show.
He felt blindsided, for sure. I said things I cant take back and he's gone back to old habits. I cared for him deeply and wanted to see him happy. I thought I could help, I thought we could figure it out together. Now I feel like I just made it all worse. I made promises I couldn't keep, like I would always be there for him, no matter what. Communication was like talking to a brick wall that said "of course, anything for you." I felt terrible because he made the effort, but the changes I thought he made for his own health just went out the window when I wasn't in the picture.
Except, of course, I am still in the picture. We live together, we work together. Everyone is asking where he is and I say it's the flu going around. They joke, say I should go home to take care of him. I haven't said anything yet. I feel like I'm in limbo. Part of me wants to take everything back, just for his sake. Yet most of me knows, I'll be miserable and making him happy won't change that. Plus, his family hates me already for being his coworker, and is telling him they'll do anything to help. We can't ever go back, I prover them all right.
I've been homeless before and told him to take all the time he needs to find his own place, which was also the plan from the beginning. It's like living with a ghost of what my life used to be. I feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders but I still can't breathe. I can't do anything to change it and it's torture.
Just needed to get that off my chest. Thanks
