Venting bpd & suicidality

[nameeater]

little vent post, sorry if it's a bit long! ^^

i'll never understand the people on social media like tiktok that romanticise bpd/eupd and treat it like something desirable. i'm suicidal every single second of every single day. no one takes my struggles seriously and they claim i'm just overdramatic or attention seeking. i just want to put an end to this. my suicide attempts never work no matter what method i've gone with (and i've tried 20+ times). i lose everything important to me.

my first fp (favourite person) breaking up with me in early 2020 is what triggered my bpd and he will have had me blocked for a year as of december 2nd. because of him, i transformed into an ugly and warped version of who i was. all of my friends left one by one, starting with him. he broke up with me not even 24 hours after a suicide attempt. i felt so, so alone. i blocked him immediately after we broke up but i unblocked him around two days later with the intention of killing myself and wrote him a note saying it wasn't his fault etc however he woke up in the middle of it and consoled me. i still have a screenshot of what he said and it tears at my heart. he said he doesn't want to hurt me and that he didn't want me to think my mental health pushed people away. he did hurt me. my mental health does push people away. when i rediscovered that screenshot just a couple of days ago, i broke down crying. i don't understand why it all had to go wrong. he went from caring to absolutely despising me and wanting absolutely nothing to do with me. i still love him so much despite everything i went through because of him. i feel so, so, alone. i just want him back in my life again. bpd is such a horrible illness, i wouldn't wish the chronic emptiness and constant urge to just end your life on even my worst enemy. i'm so exhausted and want it all to stop.

 

[PDAnnie2610]

One BPD warrior to another - I struggle with the same from a breakup just 4 months ago. You are not alone, and keep trying! Am here...

 

[nameeater]

One BPD warrior to another - I struggle with the same from a breakup just 4 months ago. You are not alone, and keep trying! Am here...

sending you love! it's one of the worst pains in the world

 

[PDAnnie2610]

Yes. And knowing what it is didn't help much if any, sadly... therapy barely scratch the surface of the disorder and many professionals flee from us. Hah!

sending you love! it's one of the worst pains in the world

 

[nameeater]

Yes. And knowing what it is didn't help much if any, sadly... therapy barely scratch the surface of the disorder and many professionals flee from us. Hah!

yep! that's the sad reality. nobody to go to, friends or professionals, it's no wonder the rates of suicide of people with bpd is so high

 

[PDAnnie2610]

yep! that's the sad reality. nobody to go to, friends or professionals, it's no wonder the rates of suicide of people with bpd is so high


It can feel like that's our fate. It's wrong but.. some of us overwhelm others. They run, we struggle more to trust...

 

[PartlyHuman]

Diagnosed with bpd (tho honestly I always feel like I fake it since I have quiet one). Sending lots of virtual hugs because it sucks.
My best friend left me 4 years ago and I still struggle accepting it. I hate him, I hate myself and so on. I try to break up with my bf when it's good and beg him not to leave me other days. Once I've spent half a day crying and hyperventilating over a raised voice in a small arguement, ended up overdosing on my meds because it was just unbearable.
The worst part of it for me tho is complete lack of self. I feel like a shadow without defined shape and changing all the time. It's simply exhausting.

 

[Brokenwithbpd]

little vent post, sorry if it's a bit long! ^^

i'll never understand the people on social media like tiktok that romanticise bpd/eupd and treat it like something desirable. i'm suicidal every single second of every single day. no one takes my struggles seriously and they claim i'm just overdramatic or attention seeking. i just want to put an end to this. my suicide attempts never work no matter what method i've gone with (and i've tried 20+ times). i lose everything important to me.

my first fp (favourite person) breaking up with me in early 2020 is what triggered my bpd and he will have had me blocked for a year as of december 2nd. because of him, i transformed into an ugly and warped version of who i was. all of my friends left one by one, starting with him. he broke up with me not even 24 hours after a suicide attempt. i felt so, so alone. i blocked him immediately after we broke up but i unblocked him around two days later with the intention of killing myself and wrote him a note saying it wasn't his fault etc however he woke up in the middle of it and consoled me. i still have a screenshot of what he said and it tears at my heart. he said he doesn't want to hurt me and that he didn't want me to think my mental health pushed people away. he did hurt me. my mental health does push people away. when i rediscovered that screenshot just a couple of days ago, i broke down crying. i don't understand why it all had to go wrong. he went from caring to absolutely despising me and wanting absolutely nothing to do with me. i still love him so much despite everything i went through because of him. i feel so, so, alone. i just want him back in my life again. bpd is such a horrible illness, i wouldn't wish the chronic emptiness and constant urge to just end your life on even my worst enemy. i'm so exhausted and want it all to stop.

I couldn't agree more. It's the biggest bitch there is. I'm so tired of it all

 

[Soulless Angel]

tik tok and mental health full stop regardless of diagnosis is shit! the younger generation seem to think its' something to be proud of and shout about, whilst I do believe mental health should be spoken about, its not glamorous or pretty, its fucking dark and nasty 80% of the time

 

[nameeater]

Diagnosed with bpd (tho honestly I always feel like I fake it since I have quiet one). Sending lots of virtual hugs because it sucks.
My best friend left me 4 years ago and I still struggle accepting it. I hate him, I hate myself and so on. I try to break up with my bf when it's good and beg him not to leave me other days. Once I've spent half a day crying and hyperventilating over a raised voice in a small arguement, ended up overdosing on my meds because it was just unbearable.
The worst part of it for me tho is complete lack of self. I feel like a shadow without defined shape and changing all the time. It's simply exhausting.

sending you love! bpd is such a tiring and unforgiving disorder, i wish you the best with coping with the daily struggles that come with it <3

 

[Judah]

i'll never understand the people on social media like tiktok that romanticise bpd/eupd and treat it like something desirable

Finally someone notices.

I understand how you feel, I am autistic and it is difficult for me to handle social things because sometimes I ruin things, my ex cut our relationship because basically I was difficult to deal with and I was very isolated

 

[FuneralCry]

Life is very horrible, no one should have to suffer like this. It sounds like you are going through a lot. I'm sorry you have to deal with this. I wish you the best.

 

[nameeater]

Finally someone notices.

I understand how you feel, I am autistic and it is difficult for me to handle social things because sometimes I ruin things, my ex cut our relationship because basically I was difficult to deal with and I was very isolated

i know how you feel, i'm autistic too and the amount of people online (mainly teenagers on twitter and tiktok) that want to have asd is absurd to me. sending you love!

 

[I-can-only-imagine]

yep. i somehow loose every friend i have through my BPD. My last psychiatrist at my last hospitalisation, was determined that it is because my emotional mind was blocking the logical mind and that DBT would fix it. I did DBT before. Now doing it again. and i still feel absolutely 0 difference in my suicidality.

 

[Lintaga]

lost my boyfriend feb 13 2020 to suicide. i have been diagnosed with bpd since 2014. i have tried to ctb many many times, all before his death. hospitalized 4 four times in 2 years when i was first diagnosed and ended up getting diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder. not long after my boyfriend reggie died, i have been planning my own exit and i can relate to the part where you said its literally every second of every day. even right now, its 7:17 am ive been up for only 2 hours and ive been thinking about ctb since my eyes first opened. its exhausting. nobody around me gets it.

 

[PDAnnie2610]

yep. i somehow loose every friend i have through my BPD. My last psychiatrist at my last hospitalisation, was determined that it is because my emotional mind was blocking the logical mind and that DBT would fix it. I did DBT before. Now doing it again. and i still feel absolutely 0 difference in my suicidality.

It's tough and I hope it gets better for you soon. Asking out of curiosity - Did any psychologist try to process your suicide ideation?

I've only occupational therapy that's around once every one to three months, so I'm gonna give it up since it's a waste of time and money. Guess I'll ctb eventually as most stuff are already prepped.

 

[Jenjoh2358]

@nameeater, Sorry if this is personal but this happened in Washington state, U.S.A., right?

 

[nameeater]

@nameeater, Sorry if this is personal but this happened in Washington state, U.S.A., right?

no sorry i live in the uk

 

[Jenjoh2358]

no sorry i live in the uk

Oh, I see nevertheless
Thanks for commenting

 

[I-can-only-imagine]

It's tough and I hope it gets better for you soon. Asking out of curiosity - Did any psychologist try to process your suicide ideation?

I've only occupational therapy that's around once every one to three months, so I'm gonna give it up since it's a waste of time and money. Guess I'll ctb eventually as most stuff are already prepped.

I currently see 2 psychologists (as hospital decided one wasn't enough?!?!) and we talk about it but nothing has changed with how I feel.

 

[PDAnnie2610]

Th

I currently see 2 psychologists (as hospital decided one wasn't enough?!?!) and we talk about it but nothing has changed with how I feel.

Thats great for you. I do hope things get better for you =)

 

[mightypabster]

BPD is a really debilitating illness, I can relate intensely since I live with it myself.

I'm very optimistic about future development of treatment, but for the meantime nothing has been effective here either.

It's surreal to discover this is one of the most painful mental illnesses out there, no wonder CTB is considered by so many. And this is a shame not only for the suffering itself, but since it seems most people who have it are in reality incredibly capable and simply lack organizational/executional skills due to emotional dysregulation.

Dying early for this reason is an immense waste of potential - I'm afraid I and many of us may fall victim to this.

These are some of my thoughts on the matter, apologies for hijacking the thread. I wish you guys the best.

 

[TooLate2582]

Every fucking day, but the best part about BPD is if I don't CTB in the moment, I'll be thinking I'm a God the next. F me, am I right?

 

[PDAnnie2610]

BPD is a really debilitating illness, I can relate intensely since I live with it myself.

I'm very optimistic about future development of treatment, but for the meantime nothing has been effective here either.

It's surreal to discover this is one of the most painful mental illnesses out there, no wonder CTB is considered by so many. And this is a shame not only for the suffering itself, but since it seems most people who have it are in reality incredibly capable and simply lack organizational/executional skills due to emotional dysregulation.

Dying early for this reason is an immense waste of potential - I'm afraid I and many of us may fall victim to this.

These are some of my thoughts on the matter, apologies for hijacking the thread. I wish you guys the best.

Experts refer to bpd as a mental disorder, not mental illness. It's unfortunate but somewhat true, based on the current system of diagnoses... a good clinician will not ignore suffering but I'm not sure how many good ones there are out there...

 

[liberty_222]

BPD is a really debilitating illness, I can relate intensely since I live with it myself.

I'm very optimistic about future development of treatment, but for the meantime nothing has been effective here either.

It's surreal to discover this is one of the most painful mental illnesses out there, no wonder CTB is considered by so many. And this is a shame not only for the suffering itself, but since it seems most people who have it are in reality incredibly capable and simply lack organizational/executional skills due to emotional dysregulation.

Dying early for this reason is an immense waste of potential - I'm afraid I and many of us may fall victim to this.

These are some of my thoughts on the matter, apologies for hijacking the thread. I wish you guys the best.

THIS

 

[mightypabster]

Experts refer to bpd as a mental disorder, not mental illness. It's unfortunate but somewhat true, based on the current system of diagnoses... a good clinician will not ignore suffering but I'm not sure how many good ones there are out there...

What do you consider the difference between mental disorder and mental illness?

I agree about the competence of clinicians treating this condition. What also doesn't help is the intensity of stigmas around BPD - from my experience, despite blatant they're so invisible to most people that not being understood is hard to blame, but this leads to unbearable gaslighting.

 

[nameeater]

Every fucking day, but the best part about BPD is if I don't CTB in the moment, I'll be thinking I'm a God the next. F me, am I right?

yeah, the mood swings with bpd are impossible to deal with! i'll hate myself one second and the next think i'm the most attractive person ever and that everyone loves me. it really is such a cruel disorder, sending you love! ^^

 

[Unicornsrnot4dislife]

Sending you all love and hugs. Living with EUPD is the hardest thing and we are warriors in our own right.
I agree, having people think your overdramatic and being told (me) that I'm too sensitive or defensive is some what worse then the actual eupd. I just want people to understand me, and not be so much in the shadows.
@nameeater i second that about the mood swings!

 

[nameeater]

Sending you all love and hugs. Living with EUPD is the hardest thing and we are warriors in our own right.
I agree, having people think your overdramatic and being told (me) that I'm too sensitive or defensive is some what worse then the actual eupd. I just want people to understand me, and not be so much in the shadows.
@nameeater i second that about the mood swings!

the invalidation from other people is so hard... just remember that there's people just like you that completely understand your feelings and won't dismiss them, much love! ^^

 

[PDAnnie2610]

yeah, the mood swings with bpd are impossible to deal with! i'll hate myself one second and the next think i'm the most attractive person ever and that everyone loves me. it really is such a cruel disorder, sending you love! ^^

I agree too. But I almost never think well of myself - only poorly..