Discussion BPD holds me back. Overcoming SI?

[Whynot32]

I can't begin to think about how other people feel or cope but one thing I do know is that suicide has been part of my thought process since I was a child, when I shouldn't have been able to comprehend such a thing. I have always known that CTB was going to be the way I went. Maybe its past life, maybe its just who I am, who knows. Ive had plenty of "attempts" and I can't count how many times I've put a noose around my neck. Ive been one of the few that has had my hands on N and didn't utilize it. I honestly feel that my BPD gives me an unreal amount of SI. Ive been told by everyone in my life I've been through more than they could ever understand (not a poor me thing, just the way it is). I can only attribute this to BPD and the agonizing fight that my brain puts off when am actually more dedicated to CTB than I ever have been.

Who is in the same boat? How can I get past this? I used to hold onto things like God will be mad, the afterlife will be worse, things will get better, I don't want it to hurt and death is going to hurt, I don't want others to suffer for me and pretty much every other excuse in the book. I don't hold onto any of that anymore, the only thing holding me back is my stupid brain and its natural built in feature of severe SI.

 

[PDAnnie2610]

There's probably a reason why your SI is strong - unresolved wishes, ambitions, responsibilities.. it's hard to tell. Only you can search for the reason within.

What it could meant is that there's something that's holding you here, and probably it's not time yet to go. I'm pro-choice, so it's up to you to decide. Death, however is such a final state of being that it's best not to rush into it - regret does not reverse one's life, or even the lack thereof.

From one BPD comrade to another...

 

[Whynot32]

There's probably a reason why your SI is strong - unresolved wishes, ambitions, responsibilities.. it's hard to tell. Only you can search for the reason within.

What it could meant is that there's something that's holding you here, and probably it's not time yet to go. I'm pro-choice, so it's up to you to decide. Death, however is such a final state of being that it's best not to rush into it - regret does not reverse one's life, or even the lack thereof.

From one BPD comrade to another...

Something is definitely holding onto me.

 

[Lostandfound7]

Something is definitely holding onto me.

It's the will to live..sometimes despite the challenges n struggles we may b facing (I am facing sooooo many right now), there's often a small will somewhere to live..and ur brain is not stupid..lol..its just doing what it does..sending u love

 

[Flippy]

I've had suicidal thoughts since I was a kid too. I remember telling my dad I had tried to strangle myself with a toy and he totally freaked out. I remember him telling me that if I wasn't around I would make him and lots of other people sad. I think that has always stuck with me and at the time I just wanted to escape from something that was really bad. I often wonder if maybe if that hadn't happened if I wouldn't have quite the urge to ctb. I have found that SI has gotten more potent with time and failed attempts. When I make up my mind to ctb the SI is so hard to ignore and I feel terrible that I might really cause a lot of pain to the people I care about. It feels like an endless loop sometimes. So I kick the can further down the road.

 

[tryingtoescape]

I think my OCD is what holds me back. I think BPD lessens my SI. I've also noticed that in severe stressful situations, where I dissociate, which is caused by BPD, my SI is much less because I feel disconnected from reality.