Venting BPD has ruined every aspect of my life.

[minkymomo]

I developed BPD in my mid-late teen years and its ruined every aspect of my life, no one ever wants to be my friend or be romantically involved with me because of how clingy/needy I am and im constantly trying to fill an everlasting void of emptiness inside me, I cant feel anything unless im hanging out with my ex, who broke up with me. I cant wait to ctb. I'm so sick of trying to fill my emptiness with anything I can. Alcohol, people, relationships, food, drugs, anything, nothing ever worked. I'm so sick of being numb and hopeless and forever in love with someone who could never want me back. I'm sick of sleeping with people I just met to feel loved for once in my life. BPD ruined my life, I just wish I was normal. I don't know how to cope anymore and the only solution I can ever see working is to CTB, BPD is so demonized and villified that I've had men who were interested in me suddenly turn me down when they found out I had BPD. What did I do to deserve being born like this? Why can't people realize I'm not an evil violent person because of BPD? I'm unlovable in every way possible.

 

[Cherrypea]

You didn't do anything to deserve it and the people who treat you bad are just ignorant. So sorry you are suffering x

 

[LenkaX]

Do you have to take drugs for BPD? If not, then you don't even know how lucky you are! I have schizoaffective disorder and I take antipsychotics for the past 16 years. These drugs fucked up my brain, my emotions, they devastated my hormonal and metabolic system. So I'm very fat (109 kg) without possibility to lose weight. Due to hormonal disruption I look like some scary ugly virago (although I'm male). This is truly a nightmare!!!

 

[SadGuyWannaDie]

@minkymomo I feel your struggle against the demonization and villification of BPD there is a really ugly stigma against it. I used to coach people with BPD and I had my heart broken by my fiance with BPD in the worst possible way. So I see both sides of that struggle. Someone who is untreated with BPD(Not meds, things like dialectical behavioral therapy DBT and meditation) exhibiting those feelings of clingy/needy behavior are likely to only attract someone who is codependent like I was. BPDs love hard and deep, it's addictive and overwhelming for the entire honeymoon phase of the relationship. Often that wears off though and that love can be flipped off like a light switch. It can really be devestating to the partner. And the internet has no shortage of these stories when one of these guys googles BPD and often it gets mixed up reading traits of narcissistic personality disorder because people don't understand the complexity of it. I hope you find peace in whatever path you choose, I saw clients pick up a dbt workbook on Amazon and put traits of their bpd in remission just working on it everyday and I'm sure there's at least a couple that I lost touch with that may be gone from this world.

 

[BitterlyAlive]

I hate the stigma against BPD. People with BPD aren't evil, they're human beings. I'm so sorry you've been struggling :(

 

[mahakaliSS_MahaDurga]

@minkymomo I feel your struggle against the demonization and villification of BPD there is a really ugly stigma against it. I used to coach people with BPD and I had my heart broken by my fiance with BPD in the worst possible way. So I see both sides of that struggle. Someone who is untreated with BPD(Not meds, things like dialectical behavioral therapy DBT and meditation) exhibiting those feelings of clingy/needy behavior are likely to only attract someone who is codependent like I was. BPDs love hard and deep, it's addictive and overwhelming for the entire honeymoon phase of the relationship. Often that wears off though and that love can be flipped off like a light switch. It can really be devestating to the partner. And the internet has no shortage of these stories when one of these guys googles BPD and often it gets mixed up reading traits of narcissistic personality disorder because people don't understand the complexity of it. I hope you find peace in whatever path you choose, I saw clients pick up a dbt workbook on Amazon and put traits of their bpd in remission just working on it everyday and I'm sure there's at least a couple that I lost touch with that may be gone from this world.

The worst thing for me is the lack of any type of stability and switches that you mentioned in your post. My emotions are still intense, but not as dramatic as they were 10 years ago, and they switch more gradually I'd say. I have read that BPD improves with age, so there is some hope in that.

 

[SadGuyWannaDie]

The worst thing for me is the lack of any type of stability and switches that you mentioned in your post. My emotions are still intense, but not as dramatic as they were 10 years ago, and they switch more gradually I'd say. I have read that BPD improves with age, so there is some hope in that.

That is very difficult when you are not the one operating the switches but they flip themselves. I've seen people all along the BPD spectrum at various stages of treatment all the way from constantly disassociating to complete remission. It's hard to say if I think it was just their age because some of the older carried more trauma than than the younger and that contributed to their instability. Though I definitely think there is something beneficial in the wisdom learned with age. The stability and the switches seemed to always be related to a BPDs not developing object constancy(the idea that things still exist when they can't be felt, seen or touched) when they are 2 or 3 years old. The need for assurance that something felt is real and the inability to reassure one's self. The lack of object constancy is why a baby gets surprised at a game of peek-a-boo they don't understand that your face isn't really gone until you uncover it with your hands and they giggle with surprise. That's the best analogy I know of to describe what I felt anyone I coached with BPD had in common.. unable to find a solid, stable position to hold onto and be convinced it is real.

 

[depressivegothwhore]

I'm so sorry you're feeling this way, I have bpd as well and I myself identify with this and I wouldn't wish this upon anyone, bpd it's truly painful...

 

[AngelGirl]

I developed BPD in my mid-late teen years and its ruined every aspect of my life, no one ever wants to be my friend or be romantically involved with me because of how clingy/needy I am and im constantly trying to fill an everlasting void of emptiness inside me, I cant feel anything unless im hanging out with my ex, who broke up with me. I cant wait to ctb. I'm so sick of trying to fill my emptiness with anything I can. Alcohol, people, relationships, food, drugs, anything, nothing ever worked. I'm so sick of being numb and hopeless and forever in love with someone who could never want me back. I'm sick of sleeping with people I just met to feel loved for once in my life. BPD ruined my life, I just wish I was normal. I don't know how to cope anymore and the only solution I can ever see working is to CTB, BPD is so demonized and villified that I've had men who were interested in me suddenly turn me down when they found out I had BPD. What did I do to deserve being born like this? Why can't people realize I'm not an evil violent person because of BPD? I'm unlovable in every way possible.

I'm sorry about your going through. I have BPD too I don't know since when I had it but it was my exe of three years at the time while I was in college who first told me that he suspects that I have it. Many years later I was diagnosed by a psychiatrist after multitudes of tests. I never had any stable romantic relationship after him.

Because I never knew I had it until relatively recently I never felt that I was stigmatized because of it although I might have had at least some tendencies for many years. Because I didn't know that, I never blamed my BPD for my failure in relationships.
So I feel sorry for you that you sound like you knew it from pretty early on and how you must have been blaming your innate inability to form stable relationships.

But when it comes to relationships, I just want to tell you that it is not 100% impossible for someone with BPD to find a relationship.
It's just extremely difficult to find one who would want to be around even after knowing your true personality.
And please don't tell them at first that you have BPD. It would scare anyone away really. Honestly even I who has BPD would avoid someone who told me they had BPD although I would be curious. Cause I would immediately worry that, then are you gonna rage at smallest things and yell at me threaten me that they will killthemselves if I don't comply to their demand, etc.? Will they physically attack me? Will they get so hostile and aggressive and try to bring me down even for smallest things? This is what I would personally worry as someone with BPD when I think of being with another person with BPD.
BPD is a personality. Just show it slowly but carefully to see if the other person can deal with that.
You can't force another person to be with you if they can't stand your BPD.
Living with BPD is difficult but beig with another person with BPD can be extremely tiring and stressful as well.
So I think as a person with BPD you should be understanding of the difficulties that another person would experience while being with you. And you also need be lucky enough to find a person who is willing to go through that. And if you ever find a person like that, please be respectful to them.

 

[signifying nothing]

Don't accept the label of BPD. Its not all that you are, don't let it rule you.