Bouncing back and forth

[2011.HondaCivic]

Hello fellow humans. I come here to discuss some feelings I have and if anyone else seems to share them to any degree. Last night for me was particularly rough, and to make it worse it wasn't for any particular reason. I really wanted to CTB so badly I would've done so in a heartbeat if I had the means to do so at least somewhat painlessly. But earlier today I felt fine, almost like I was content with living and had no more desire to CTB. This back and forth happens basically everyday and at the moment I am currently on the verge of falling back to wanting to die once again. It's honestly getting extremely exhausting and my occasional content with living is extremely overpowered by my wanting to CTB in those moments. I'm currently attending college, hoping to eventually become a doctor, and moving in with a couple friends. About 70% of the time, I feel like I don't want to work, I don't want to get out of bed. While I did recently get a job, I kind of just want to give up now because I don't know why I want to do anything, or if I even want to. Most of the time I just want to give up on school, work, any semblance of a dream I had, and just rot away.

 

[FuneralCry]

I'm sorry you are going through this. It sounds very tiring being stuck between wanting to die and wanting to live. In my case, everything is hopeless and I can relate to your feelings of not wanting to do anything, I have no energy and motivation. It can be quite depressing. Whatever happens, I wish you the best.

 

[Pisceslilith]

I'm sorry that you feel that way, I hope you do become a doctor if that's what you really want. I can totally relate, I dread existing the moment I wake up. I also have back and forth feelings but I know it's a trap for me personally cause I've had that for years just for my life to get worse.

 

[BlissfulVoid]

I very much relate. I too get back and forths, like you describe, of feeling somewhat content with my existence, and just desperately wanting it to end. Mine aren't quite as frequent, though, but the feeling never entirely goes away either.

If you manage to carry on, I feel that a doctor with your perspective, would make the world a better place. Best wishes.