Venting Borderline but ugly

[LetMeGoPlease]

Allow me to explain.

If you're not familiar with it, I'm talking about borderline personality disorder. It's severe mental and emotional torment. I can't regulate my emotions, I feel clingy and needy, I fear abandonment. I feel like every person I bond with is both my best friend and worst enemy at the same time, because they can and do easily hurt me. Just by not being around.

Let me continue. I have always fantasized about having a man in my life that would love me and help me heal. I wanted to have a guy that would truly want me, desire me and deeply care about me.

BUT! I feel like only people that are beautiful can experience something like this. I feel too disgusting to find a man that would want to fully commit to me and help me heal and grow. I feel too disgusting to find a man who would take my best interests as his own. And also, I feel too disgusting to have my sexual desires fulfilled. I feel too disgusting for a man to want to explore my sexuality.

I am envious of borderline women who are super attractive and can play with their sexuality with men and who can get as many men as they want to. I am envious of women that wherever they go ment want to date them and care for them.

Call me twisted but I know I'm not the only one with emotional problems who dreams of having a savior. Call me twisted but beautiful women that are emotionally disturbed are a specific aesthetic and it's true. If a woman is ugly and has issues she's regarded as worthless and crazy, but if a woman is pretty she's a damsel in distress.

 

[RazzleDazzle]

I think that this falls under comparing your insides to someone else's outsides. Sure, I've totally fallen victim to the idea that love/a man would save me. But in real life, that's just a good way to end up in an abusive relationship, it doesn't lead to happiness or healing. From what I've observed people ending up in happy relationships doesn't actually have a truckload to do with physical appearance. People who are good looking have an easier time getting their foot in the door, but I don't think that it makes relationships any easier or better.

I'm sorry that you're in such distress. Life is painful and relationships are painful and being alone is painful. I'm right there with you on all of that. Sending hugs.

 

[Lady black]

I'm in a similar situation. But I stopped hoping for the girl that saves me. I just think in this life it's not possible to get happy. But maybe a girl comes ans saves me from this life, saying let's go together to a better world in another life and be happy together there

 

[nerve]

Sounds a lot like me. The aesthetic, as you put it, of the "troubled yet beautiful" woman can be so prevalent. If you see an unattractive woman being crazy in media, it's Norma Bates in Psycho versus the gritty glamor of Girl, Interrupted, where all the crazy girls are super hot and get into all sorts of wild adventures.

I look back and I think that all I wanted growing up was to be in a healthy and committed relationship not based on a power imbalance and with someone who respected me but it's a dream I've had to let go of as I slowly inch forward towards ctbing. It's hard enough for normal-looking, sane people to find suitable partners; what chances do I have? I feel like I'm still not entirely over it because I tell myself "it'll be okay because you'll be dead soon and you won't have to feel lonely ever again!" instead of "oh well" or some other form of quiet resignation.

I wonder to myself sometimes how things might be different for me if I was cute (or even just average-looking!) and crazy as opposed to gross and crazy. If I was pretty in any way whatsoever, I'd have options to get into sex work which is obviously not ideal, but better than being unable to work a "normal" job and making zero money at all. I might be able to find a way out of the bad living situation I'm in if I had some money. If I was able to do that, I might not want to ctb quite so much. Or maybe I'd want to even more. Idk. You hear people say stuff like "you can either change the way you look or you can accept it" but I feel incapable of either. Another "don't worry because you'll be dead and it won't be able to hurt you anymore!" thing.

(In b4 someone pretty comes into this thread like "well I'm hot and boys love me and I'm STILL miserable!" We know. Please let us lesser beings have a space to talk about how much it sucks to always be rendered either totally invisible or a complete joke.)

 

[8evergo]

früher sahen mich sogar männer an und die mädchen sowieso, gaben mir oft küsse liesen mir eis zum schmecken heute sehe ich jünger aus als ich bin

 

[LonelyBrazilian]

I understand you, I'm a man with BPD and I find myself in the same situation as you. It seems society doesn't care about the ugly ones.

I used to expect some girl to come and save me from this loneliness and loving unfulfillment (like in the anime Welcome to the N.H.K.), but over the years I've seen that this is unrealistic for people like me.

 

[FuneralCry]

I'm sorry you are in so much pain. Life is just so cruel and unfair, that is why I see it as better to never be born in the first place. I hope you find peace.

 

[stellabelle]

"Ugly and crazy" or "beautiful and worthy of saving" - I don't believe that. I think there are people who are legitimately shallow and that's all they ever will be is shallow.
I may not be pretty or ugly but you know, I've dealt with so much crap and told enough, enough of the stalkers enough of the users and nags and abusers and thieves and liars.

people are obsessive. I think everyone legitimately wants to be loved, and I think when someone's been pushed too far too many times and then labeled as this or that, it's a problem. I've tried the history is not owed approach. And I've also tried the honest approach, I do not want to be bothered and that goes ignored. Everyone wants to dig deeper for something that's not there. You can write it, verbalize it, scream it, and still be stalked, harassed, fucked with, until you lie just to lie and you know people are lying to you and lying about you and they're getting away with what they're doing to you but they've already isolated you and lied that much. The entire family was fuckin garbage and truthfully speaking I feel like the state should have done something like permanently committed my mother to an insane asylum. The entire family kept lying and stealing and playing stupid games, burning my bridges, happiness, education, everything. Trying to brainwash a person who finally decided I cannot take another day of this verbal bullshit. Come pretend to be my little girl, you know my problem? My mother was a lunatic and the men I allowed her to speak to "in case of emergency" she just burned me that bad until I finally snapped a thousand times and she died. Then the family kept doing the same bullshit and that's what was the worst. Being stolen from repeatedly and told to disappear or pop a pill. I just wanted a check to leave and get the fuck out of abuse. Bad roommates, bad parents, bad family, and no support. Wonder why. Oh yeah, because of a criminal nurse that was very evil along with her other children. Lemme see ur pp and humiliate and shame anf fuck with you for being repeatedly raped and trying to get a better job and through school. They stole my peace, sanity, possessions, everything they could and refused to help and pretended like driving to Walmart or forcing me to face them was help. I finally overdosed and nearly died. Played pretend with another idiot selfish man who wouldn't move away from his mommmeeeeeez house and then said oh yo hell with it. Back to more circles and cycles of abuse and then my mom finally fuckin died. Good. Now what. More thieves stalkers harassers that don't stop and you snap. You snap and snap and say leave me alone no you can't do anything if I follow you all over the place to the point of no return. That's how bad. That's how bad. And finally I was able to get my SS card replaced, Devon you fuckin lunatic loser liar thief, god damn it Maureen you fuckin stupid ass, anyway…. Moving forward… I kept saying moving forward… I have a boundary, can you guys stop? No. No they ignore it and continue victimizing the victim who will eventually become an assailant. Thanks a lot. Yep. That's exactly why tables turn and you know, I couldn't care less about other people but when I've been falsely imprisoned falsely accused and repeatedly screwed over, I think the best solution is to end someone's life or my own, because they keep doing that and screwing with me and I keep trying to get away and they say try harder. Well. This little 'game' is not a game.

for all the money in the world if I could've shot the bitch years ago for no cost, I would've. Now I continue trying to move forward from stupidity, and I can only hope for a better future. I begged to stay in school, I begged for help, and help was a lie. Tragic. No sarcasm.

I like helping and volunteering for good purposes but not to be raped and stolen from and stalked and lied to and fucked with.

you know. I hate it.

 

[mentalhealthfighter]

I can relate to the ugly part. Nobody will ever love me, I will die alone. I will be an isolated hermit until I ctb. I have too much social anxiety.

 

[LetMeGoPlease]

I'm in a similar situation. But I stopped hoping for the girl that saves me. I just think in this life it's not possible to get happy. But maybe a girl comes ans saves me from this life, saying let's go together to a better world in another life and be happy together there

Sometimes I imagine there's a world beyond this one where all thethe lost souls are home, all of those that killed themselves. I don't think that's what really happens but when I'm suicidal I don't care, it's true to me.

You hear people say stuff like "you can either change the way you look or you can accept it" but I feel incapable of either. Another "don't worry because you'll be dead and it won't be able to hurt you anymore!" thing.

(In b4 someone pretty comes into this thread like "well I'm hot and boys love me and I'm STILL miserable!" We know. Please let us lesser beings have a space to talk about how much it sucks to always be rendered either totally invisible or a complete joke.)

I so feel you on this. I already feel miserable and thenthat people act as if my pain isn't valid. It's just further isoliating.

I understand you, I'm a man with BPD and I find myself in the same situation as you. It seems society doesn't care about the ugly ones.

I used to expect some girl to come and save me from this loneliness and loving unfulfillment (like in the anime Welcome to the N.H.K.), but over the years I've seen that this is unrealistic for people like me.

I also absorbed so many fantasies from movies and coped by living in my head. It's so hard to return back to the cruel reality.

I can relate to the ugly part. Nobody will ever love me, I will die alone. I will be an isolated hermit until I ctb. I have too much social anxiety.

I relate. I have so much social anxiety that my mind freezes and my body trembles all over. Especially when I'm around men. I suddenly can't talk, I look mortified and even uglier and I shake like crazy. I fucking hate myself for it.