Body tense my entire life

[DesperateOne]

I've been doing a lot of thinking about what is wrong with me and I'm starting to realize that I am like this because of trauma. I don't know what exactly caused it, but I feel like somewhere in my childhood my body turned on the fight or flight system and never turned it off.

I honestly can't remember the last time I was truly relaxed. If I didn't try weed I wouldn't ever even know what that means. When I smoke buds high in CBD I can feel like this wall that has been up since I was a child finally dissapear and I can reconnect with my emotions. I can also finally retain information and communicate or at least form proper sentences.

Without CBD I'm just constantly tense all over my bkdy and my mind is blank 24/7. I feel like I'm this NPC that has predetermined responses to everything and no original thought or personality.

Does anyone else here feel the same?

 

[Pluto]

Sounds like possible C-PTSD. Welcome to the club!

 

[wearetired]

Hey there, we definitely get all of this. We are a DID system (used to be called multiple personalities but that isn't really accurate which is why the name was changed to Dissociative Identity Disorder). So we don't know what made us this way either, exactly, besides what we've been able to piece together from our individual triggers- all of our actual memories of trauma are hidden behind high dissociative barriers in our mind. Not saying you're a system, just saying we get it for those reasons.

We've never relaxed outside of using marijuana either. We remember, this one girl in our creative writing class in HS, one time she was rubbing our shoulders, and she commented "wow, you're so tense, I've never felt anyone this tense before, are you okay?" And our host at the time was kind of just like "haha I'm tense? That's so crazy idk why I feel fine" (which was the truth, at the time they/we had no real awareness of The Horrors, not even via flashbacks, and were so disconnected from our body we couldn't even feel the constant tension)

 

[DesperateOne]

Hey there, we definitely get all of this. We are a DID system (used to be called multiple personalities but that isn't really accurate which is why the name was changed to Dissociative Identity Disorder). So we don't know what made us this way either, exactly, besides what we've been able to piece together from our individual triggers- all of our actual memories of trauma are hidden behind high dissociative barriers in our mind. Not saying you're a system, just saying we get it for those reasons.

We've never relaxed outside of using marijuana either. We remember, this one girl in our creative writing class in HS, one time she was rubbing our shoulders, and she commented "wow, you're so tense, I've never felt anyone this tense before, are you okay?" And our host at the time was kind of just like "haha I'm tense? That's so crazy idk why I feel fine" (which was the truth, at the time they/we had no real awareness of The Horrors, not even via flashbacks, and were so disconnected from our body we couldn't even feel the constant tension)

Wow, I've seen you under a few other threads and I've got to say, your story is pretty nuts... The amount of strength you have to keep going with so much weights around you is astounding <3

 

[Davey36000]

I try meditation, doesn't work for me. Always tense/anxiety. Tbf it might be the norm while living in this world. It's not really a safe place.

 

[Kit1]

I've been doing a lot of thinking about what is wrong with me and I'm starting to realize that I am like this because of trauma. I don't know what exactly caused it, but I feel like somewhere in my childhood my body turned on the fight or flight system and never turned it off.

I honestly can't remember the last time I was truly relaxed. If I didn't try weed I wouldn't ever even know what that means. When I smoke buds high in CBD I can feel like this wall that has been up since I was a child finally dissapear and I can reconnect with my emotions. I can also finally retain information and communicate or at least form proper sentences.

Without CBD I'm just constantly tense all over my bkdy and my mind is blank 24/7. I feel like I'm this NPC that has predetermined responses to everything and no original thought or personality.

Does anyone else here feel the same?

Sounds familiar - except the weed part as I just overeat and take paracetamol. Complex PTSD