Venting Body Image

[Starfire]

Confession #: godknowswhat

Here I am, being haunted again by the things I try so hard not to talk about.

I purged again and it's so fucking annoying how even if I probably throw my entire system up, it still won't be enough to put my mind at peace. I'm trying to love myself, I am.. but I don't like what I see in the mirror everyday. Sometimes I wonder if I would love myself more.. if I would value myself more, if I was satisfied with the way I look..

The problem is I never talk about the things that make me feel insecure the most. That's probably why people assume I'm fine with everything. I always shrug it off. Always trying to avoid the topic. I just don't know how to face it. I don't know how to open up to people or even my closest friends about it without feeling embarrassed. Even if the truth is IT CONSTANTLY HAUNTS ME. I can't even properly talk about it with myself for fuck's sake..

But yes, I am HELLA insecure about my weight. Lmao it so fucking hurts to even say that. I think about it constantly. All day. Everyday. But can never bring myself to open up about it to anyone. I don't want their fucking pity. What are they gonna say? "No. It's not that bad" "Bro you look finee" "Okay maybe try going do the gym or cut off your diet"

BRO SHUT THE FUCK UP. I dont look fine. Stop patronizing me and making me feel any better because nothing can make me feel better.

It's ironic how my friends who look so fucking perfectly are more able to openly talk abt their insecurities regarding their weight. And no, I am not invalidating their pain and insecurities. They're as valid as mine. It's just that whenever they bring it up, I can't help to feel more fucking shitty and disgusted about myself. Yet I can never open up about it. If only I can have a more desirable body like them, idk.. perhaps I'd be more happy? More confident? Perhaps I can finally go out more.. be in the same picture with my friends and family.. take selfies like everybody else? Perhaps I could love myself more..

I don't take selfies. I hate taking pictures with friends and family. I hate going out. I hate being with other people. Contrary to other people's belief, it's not because I'm just introverted or have extreme social anxiety; it's because I can never feel confident about my body enough to engage with people. I can't help not to constantly compare myself to them. I can't help not to feel disgusted about myself.

I was actually pretty engaging back then. I go out with friends a lot, I go to gatherings, I go to church, I get involved with different activities..

Depression got worsen. It took a toll on me- happened all so fast. One major depressive episode that lasted for less than 5 months and I gained an exponential amount of weight. Then everything went steady downhill from there.. I never had the chance to recover. Additionally, all the antidepressants and antipsychotic sht that I take had extreme weight gaining so yeah, so much for being happy pills, right? Ha-ha.

The undiagnosed eating disorder was the one I, myself, did not see coming. I have always been insecure about my weight since I gained it but I never thought it would go this bad.

Purging after purging after purging which gives momentary relief and self-satisfaction yet is just getting worsen by my constant view of myself. I'm not sure whether to be relieved or alarmed that my family do not give a bit of concern despite my constant throwing up every after meal. I suppose it's better that way.

Starving myself seems to not be going anywhere. Sure I can stand not to eat for days on end but the medicines' side effect just seems to nullify its desired and expected outcome. My weight remains if not stagnant, constantly increasing..

My body image, including my scars, probably holds 50% of my current suffering.. so idk if I can have my relief and contempt anytime soon. But for now, I honestly just wanna disappear in any way possible..

 

[waitingforrest]

You can ignore this comment if you want since this is a vent. I just wanted to let you know that I feel the same with my body as well. It's so hard to talk about because every single word is invalidated. People always say that "you look fine" or "you are attractive" or something like that every time I talk about my issues. The thing is, I can't see what they are saying, I don't believe them. I'm sorry, I wish talking about things like this was more accepted.

 

[Sides]

I understand this completely. I used to be a competitive bodybuilder, worked out all my life, ate as well as possible.

Then heart attack a month ago and quick decline into congestive heart failure and open heart surgery (6 vessel CABG).

Now even climbing a flight of stairs is practically impossible. Can't get into bed or out of bed without wife's assistance. Can't even pick up my baby daughter to change her diaper, never mind work out.

I look in the mirror and am completely disgusted by what I see, and know it only gets worse from here.

If I can't be who I was, who am I? I have always been depressed, but taking away the few things I loved is too much.

I disgust myself and only wish to die and vanish from the Earth.

 

[nihilism44]

God, I understand you. I have had rapid weight gain this past year after trying different antidepressants, none of them working, and binge eating/drinking through my feelings and I don't recognize myself. None of my clothes fit at all, but I'm so scared to go shopping for new clothes. Everyone says "you look fine" but I see a completely different person in the mirror than I used to be. I'm bigger than I was BEFORE I lost weight. I feel like I've completely lost myself.
I 100% relate to what you're saying about not being an introvert, but isolating due to the way I look. I'm afraid that everyone around me is thinking about how I let myself go, so I've ghosted everyone. I don't go out anywhere anymore. I sit in the house feeling sorry for myself because I look disgusting. My health has gone to shit. I can barely walk up a flight of stairs without feeling completely winded, when I used to go to the gym everyday. I feel useless.
You're not alone.

 

[xyzblahh]

Eating disorders are a particularly intense hell.

 

[FuneralCry]

It can be very awful being trapped in this human body as our thoughts can torture us. I'm sorry you have to deal with this pain, when things get worse it can be a dreadful feeling. I wish you the best.