Venting Body dysmorphia is a bitch

[donewithyourview]

I'm not formally diagnosed, but body dysmorphic disorder pretty much affects every part of my life. I spend literal hours taking pictures of myself at every angle, and I have 3 separate mirrors in my room that I look at almost compulsively.

Here's the thing though: I don't actually logically think I'm as unattractive as I seem to myself. I'm no model, but I'm young and not unattractive, and people (both friends and strangers) call me cute on a regular basis. But every single picture of me looks twisted in my eyes. For a moment yesterday I felt like I could see my face the way others see me, but in a split second it twisted again, and I started to believe I was truly hideous. It was after getting a comment about how wide my face looks, and this person also asked about my weight (I'm not overweight but it kind of hit me, it's just East Asian bone structure). This is a really bizarre and terrifying disease, and it affects not only my views on my face, but on everything I create and touch. Even my own words sound grotesque and ugly and it makes me want to dig a hole into the ground and die.

Sorry if this is oversharing, there's just a lot on my mind right now regarding this. Every cell in my body is screaming at me to kill myself because I'm ugly, lol. It's just so embarrassing going out with people or having a birthday or some important event and having to tell everyone to delete any pictures or videos of you.

 

[Pluto]

This sounds awful. I've always copped a lot of negative comments about being underweight, which turns out to be a result of heavy depression, which is worsened by the comments. It ended up a situation that I never successfully overcame, even with a very focused effort at improving my appearance.

In your case, it might help to be clear that this is a thought disorder rather than a body thing. It sounds like there may be some OCD elements also. There is nothing at a practical level that would stop you from functioning in the world or having positive relationships. I'd suggest seeing a physician as the situation sounds treatable from what you have described.

 

[donewithyourview]

This sounds awful. I've always copped a lot of negative comments about being underweight, which turns out to be a result of heavy depression, which is worsened by the comments. It ended up a situation that I never successfully overcame, even with a very focused effort at improving my appearance.

In your case, it might help to be clear that this is a thought disorder rather than a body thing. It sounds like there may be some OCD elements also. There is nothing at a practical level that would stop you from functioning in the world or having positive relationships. I'd suggest seeing a physician as the situation sounds treatable from what you have described.

I am honestly not sure. I went to intensive inpatient therapy for several months awhile back and it reset my suicidal thoughts and made me want to live for the first time in a decade. But lately I'm not so sure. If repeated therapy and all sorts of different psychiatric drugs can't help, is it really treatable? I literally look in the mirror can name with surgical precision exactly which parts of me make me a disgusting freak of nature. :/

Also I do have positive relationships and am functioning relatively normally. It's the last few weeks I've just crashed due to a traumatic assault.

 

[iwanttodie1]

BDD isn't real. If there is something off about your face, it's there and your mind knows it

 

[GentlyFading]

Yeah, body dysmorphia sucks. I've struggled with anorexia for a while now and have made peace with the fact that I will never have an accurate understanding of my body. I know my face is conventionally attractive, but every time I look in the mirror my face looks bloated and repulsive.

Sidenote: Have you ever used any of those asian selfie apps that automatically alter you jaw shape? Snow and B612 are the reason why I think my jaw is too wide T^T

 

[SFB123]

BDD isn't real. If there is something off about your face, it's there and your mind knows it

What you say is partly right. I understand what you're trying to say, it's just that there are genuine cases of BDD out there, where people are generally very good looking but are distressed about very minor flaws about them that the majority of people don't even notice. But in my case, it fits with what you're trying to say - I'm obviously ugly because of the way people treat me with disgust and contempt, so when I end up CTB, people will try to give me the 'label' of BDD to try to make sense of CTB, even though myself and others know that I'm just too ugly to continue going on in life and clearly not a person with BDD.

 

[Life_and_Death]

I totally related. Actually got into an argument on here because someone couldn't understand why I hate guys for sexualizing me but don't find myself pretty. Something about "how can you complain about being good looking and not good looking" but a lot meaner because apparently someone else's actions and my own views of myself must be the same thing.

 

[Venus13]

What you say is partly right. I understand what you're trying to say, it's just that there are genuine cases of BDD out there, where people are generally very good looking but are distressed about very minor flaws about them that the majority of people don't even notice. But in my case, it fits with what you're trying to say - I'm obviously ugly because of the way people treat me with disgust and contempt, so when I end up CTB, people will try to give me the 'label' of BDD to try to make sense of CTB, even though myself and others know that I'm just too ugly to continue going on in life and clearly not a person with BDD.

If someone is regularly called cute then it's BDD for sure.

BDD is always real in my opinion because the distortion becomes twisted beyond reality. There are ugly people and pretty people. Often ugly people are invalidated by normal people because they will never understand the disgust and contempt response. It's incomprehensible to them, so they say you must be crazy when in reality your quality of life is in fact lower due to appearance.

With that said, BDD always exaggerates and distorts your image beyond reality. I am an ugly person, definitively so with scarring, with BDD. So I get the disgust and contempt response but to me when I look in the mirror I see something monstrous, unhuman, when in reality I'm just a severely ugly person. BDD is a mental distortion. It sounds like you might be dealing with real issues with how people treat you but luckily don't suffer from BDD. You have your head on straight based on evaluation. BDD is very much so always "real" though, and if this person is constantly called cute they are likely average to above average and taking pictures constantly and being obsessive is caused from the mental distortion of BDD. The BDD is lowering their quality of life when the appearance is perfectly acceptable by others.

Anyway, it's hell. As a fellow sufferer, I'm not sure I'll ever see a human when I look in the mirror. I take picture sometimes to try to find the human in the photo. I hope you get treatment for it before it goes further because the rabbithole gets deep in this disorder.

 

[Ineedtodie]

spend literal hours taking pictures of myself at every angle, and I have 3 separate mirrors in my room that I look at almost compulsively.

I' m not an expert but you mostly likely you have it, just by behaving compulsively this way.

Here's the thing though: I don't actually logically think I'm as unattractive as I seem to myself. I'm no model, but I'm young and not unattractive, and people (both friends and strangers) call me cute on a regular basis. But every single picture of me looks twisted in my eyes. For a moment yesterday I felt like I could see my face the way others see me, but in a split second it twisted again, and I started to believe I was truly hideous. It wa

I' m not an expert again. But its not about how you actually look whether average, not attractive, or a beauty.
Its a mental disorders. Its like a twisted defensive mechanism your mind created, trapping you there because you mind could!'t handel some stress or adversity of sort. Most liky unrelated to your physic. Notice the world you use, grotesque, ugly..etc. that's just an expression of bdd and not rational.

Be certain its not at all about body image it's a mental disorder. Don't believe it for second. The more you question its the truth and not an illness the deeper you're stuck in the disorder mecanism.
Again I' m not an expert. I just suffered from it. And those are purely my thoughts about it.
Seek a therapist/psychiatrist who is expert on Bdd. And jave absolute faith that its a disorder, Religiously and you will beat it. Hope this helped.
Wish you healing and clarity.

 

[SFB123]

If someone is regularly called cute then it's BDD for sure.

BDD is always real in my opinion because the distortion becomes twisted beyond reality. There are ugly people and pretty people. Often ugly people are invalidated by normal people because they will never understand the disgust and contempt response. It's incomprehensible to them, so they say you must be crazy when in reality your quality of life is in fact lower due to appearance.

With that said, BDD always exaggerates and distorts your image beyond reality. I am an ugly person, definitively so with scarring, with BDD. So I get the disgust and contempt response but to me when I look in the mirror I see something monstrous, unhuman, when in reality I'm just a severely ugly person. BDD is a mental distortion. It sounds like you might be dealing with real issues with how people treat you but luckily don't suffer from BDD. You have your head on straight based on evaluation. BDD is very much so always "real" though, and if this person is constantly called cute they are likely average to above average and taking pictures constantly and being obsessive is caused from the mental distortion of BDD. The BDD is lowering their quality of life when the appearance is perfectly acceptable by others.

Anyway, it's hell. As a fellow sufferer, I'm not sure I'll ever see a human when I look in the mirror. I take picture sometimes to try to find the human in the photo. I hope you get treatment for it before it goes further because the rabbithole gets deep in this disorder.

So kind of you to say I have my head on straight :) means a lot. Thanks for the informative message too . I'm almost certain my objectively ugly appearance results in my mistreatment/unfair treatment because it's the only thing that tells me apart from other people. I'm so sorry that you suffer from BDD, I hope the help that you get if you decide that's what you want, will work for you.

 

[lotus11]

I get this 100 percent. I have had a severe ED for over 10 years. Now I'm 30 years old. Been kicked out by my family, and also both my exes because of it. I'm a good person I just can't eat and have problems with the way I look. Honestly, I know I'm good-looking enough but that's not the problem. Also, I starve myself to be that way. Not that I am ever hungry, this just feels normal to me. But apparently, my problems are far harder for everyone else to live with than they are for me.