birthdays are another reminder

[rasputin]

The date today was hella depressing. I'm still here, another year has passed, and I'm not even brave enough for SN yet. I'm waiting on the debreather reviews before ordering. Praying for a way out that isn't excruciating.

I've been extremely ill for 10 years now. I was as close as I'll come to a natural death in 2019. I got what I always wanted and I was at peace. Put on hospice, heavily medicated, etc. By sheer cruel irony I'm still here, I was brought back from the brink, and now I feel like a ghost. After hospice I lost everything - my home, my family, my friends, any shred of support, the pain meds. I know what being on the brink of death feels like and I know for a fact that I'm no longer there. My doctor figured out a way to stabilize me even though I was ready to let go. Now I'm stabilized, and stunned, and just really fucking sad. My life is agony, I'm still in constant physical pain.

Most of all, I'm horrified and shocked that I lived to see another birthday today when the suffering was supposed to finally be over. This wasn't the plan. And I hate it more than I can explain. A walking shell of a person with endless health problems, too stunned and too sick to even go through with cbt at the moment.

I don't even know what the point of this post is, but I figured you've all probably hate your birthdays too and would understand.

For those with physical diseases, do you ever feel like it's a cruel irony that your body is actively decaying but you still have to cbt because your disease isn't fully life threatening yet (or "anymore" in my case)? For me I often look down at my body and think "Just finish the job already. Jesus."

 

[theguineapigking]

Hello. I'm very sorry to hear about the sh*t you've been through. Having a disease is horrible. I know what it feels like to be chronically ill. I can work part time and do basic stuff, but chronic fatigue, brain fog, migraine(you heard that right..one migraine that fluctuates and worsens..but it's always there at least somewhat), etc. I used to think that if I feel this bad at 16(I'm 21 now), I'd surely get way worse by my 30s. It's like I'm partially disabled. My fatigue is so bad that I struggle with functioning and life feels surreal. I decided to kill myself because my body is a piece of trash. But the illness isn't bad enough to kill me sadly.

I'm so sorry for what you've been through. You don't deserve to suffer anymore. The exit bag or debreather method is supposed to be amazingly peaceful and very painless. Just keep in mind that if you're found early, there's a higher risk of brain damage than with SN. That's one big pro of sn, it can usually be reversed with minimal permanent damage, if any. I myself have sn and a rope for partial hanging. I completely understand that you want the most peaceful method though. I surely hope you can get ahold of it!


If you need to talk at all, I'm here. I don't know exactly what illness you have, but I feel like utter sh*t all the time. So I could possibly relate to you in that way. I do not have fibromyalgia or anything like that, although the fatigue causes my body to feel weak and ache some. So just know that someone understands.


I wish you the best in the meantime. Feel free to pm me anytime.

 

[rasputin]

Hello. I'm very sorry to hear about the sh*t you've been through. Having a disease is horrible. I know what it feels like to be chronically ill. I can work part time and do basic stuff, but chronic fatigue, brain fog, migraine(you heard that right..one migraine that fluctuates and worsens..but it's always there at least somewhat), etc. I used to think that if I feel this bad at 16(I'm 21 now), I'd surely get way worse by my 30s. It's like I'm partially disabled. My fatigue is so bad that I struggle with functioning and life feels surreal. I decided to kill myself because my body is a piece of trash. But the illness isn't bad enough to kill me sadly.

I'm so sorry for what you've been through. You don't deserve to suffer anymore. The exit bag or debreather method is supposed to be amazingly peaceful and very painless. Just keep in mind that if you're found early, there's a higher risk of brain damage than with SN. That's one big pro of sn, it can usually be reversed with minimal permanent damage, if any. I myself have sn and a rope for partial hanging. I completely understand that you want the most peaceful method though. I surely hope you can get ahold of it!


If you need to talk at all, I'm here. I don't know exactly what illness you have, but I feel like utter sh*t all the time. So I could possibly relate to you in that way. I do not have fibromyalgia or anything like that, although the fatigue causes my body to feel weak and ache some. So just know that someone understands.


I wish you the best in the meantime. Feel free to pm me anytime.

Thank you so much for the kind comment @theguineapigking. I'm so sorry you are going through something similar and can relate to this. Migraines are hell on earth, most people have no idea how debilitating they are. My heart breaks for you.

I got sick in my late teens too (18) and know what it feels like to lose your 20's to illness. I'm sorry you're starting to experience that. Is SN your go-to or is it just a backup? It seems like the easiest, cheapest option at this point but I really hope the new debreather model ends up working/not being faulty so we all have a peaceful option at our disposal. Yourself included.

I don't know the specifics of your health issues but I've always wondered for myself if that means I'll respond differently to SN or get different/more intense symptoms. Do you have meds you can take to help with the resulting headache SN sometimes brings? It always makes me sad to imagine any suffering at the end, especially for those of us who already suffer physically/mentally.

I wish you nothing but the best as well. And peace on your journey.

 

[Vault of Memories]

I just had mine a week and a half ago and it's my least favorite day of the year. It just reminds me of how ancient I am and how I've survived another full year on this Earth and not amounted to anything that I can take pride in. I never planned on making it out of high school alive, so I ended up going to college for something I had no interest in. My depression caused me to have very little interest in anything really. Now I'm 27 and nothing had changed, but more years of underachievement under my belt. Also, I just feel ancient. I've always felt like I was way older than I guess other people amongst my age. I kind of always got annoyed in my 20s and late teens when people would tell me I'm still young, because a small part of my depression is associated with aging I suppose.

 

[rasputin]

I just had mine a week and a half ago and it's my least favorite day of the year. It just reminds me of how ancient I am and how I've survived another full year on this Earth and not amounted to anything that I can take pride in. I never planned on making it out of high school alive, so I ended up going to college for something I had no interest in. My depression caused me to have very little interest in anything really. Now I'm 27 and nothing had changed, but more years of underachievement under my belt. Also, I just feel ancient. I've always felt like I was way older than I guess other people amongst my age. I kind of always got annoyed in my 20s and late teens when people would tell me I'm still young, because a small part of my depression is associated with aging I suppose.

I'm so sorry to hear that you're in a similar place. Can relate to the part of feeling ancient even at 27. I don't believe in reincarnation (it's a horrifying thought, this shit better not happen all over again) but I do often wonder why certain souls seem so much older than others. My surrogate dad always said I had the personality of an 80 year old man even as a 19 year old. Looking back on videos of me as a kid I was never that child-like. And yet other people are the exact opposite - act like they were just born but they're 52.

It's a completely illogical, ridiculous thought but makes me wonder sometimes. Who knows? Maybe some of us were born older than others (and have suffered longer too).

Ancient hug from me to you.