Venting birthday dread

[Linty Leans]

it's gonna be my birthday soon. i don't wanna throw a party because i don't deserve a day to celebrate myself but i also don't wanna concern my friends and make them worry about me. the whole thing just seems so daunting especially when i know that i wanna ctb. literally the only thing stopping me from trying to hang myself is that i can't handle the headaches that come before passing out. i'm too much of a coward to tell my friends and i'm too weak to just get the job done. i don't see myself living a functional life in which i'm a positive presence for those around me. i rlly wanna ctb before my birthday but i have no idea how to get around my mental weakness. it's like i don't even have to energy to ctb cause i'm too bogged down feeling sorry for myself in bed. anyways, how's y'all's weeks? :)

 

[Remeer]

Hello, my week has been quite good, I have been lazy a lot and slept a lot, I have also entertained myself a lot
If you have someone you trust among your friends, why don't you tell them what happens to you and think? It certainly won't fix the problem, but it's a very good start, talking about these things is important, a lot comes up in the conversation
greetings

 

[LaVieEnRose]

What makes you think you don't deserve a party?

 

[Scacie]

I hate my birthdays too though for a different reason. It's a cruel reminder of all the lost opportunities, and a reminder of my suffering. Sicne 15, my one and only brithday wish was to finally end my pain, yet I never did.

 

[Afterhours]

Congrats on your birthday coming up. The way I see it the greatest gift would be to ctb. I hope your wishes come true

 

[missingpeace]

It seems like you are keeping your sadness to yourself, you don't have to admit that you want to ctb but you should try and open upto those close to you about your mental state. It's hard to keep up a happy persona when we feel the opposite, perhaps your friends will find some other small way to celebrate, I think it would be nice last memory to have if you do end up ctbing in the end.

 

[downndone2]

Mine is I'm a few weeks and I hope I'm gone

 

[FuneralCry]

I personally hate what birthdays represent which is another year spent trapped here in this cruel world. I could never see this as being something worth celebrating, I view it as being a terrible, unnecessary thing to exist here in the first place.
But I hate how difficult ctb has to be, it really should be easier for us to finally be free from this world and I don't really see it as being a good idea opening up to others about suicide as after all, so many who exist here are against the right to die. But for the last question, I'm still just very tired of existing and I hate every waking moment. I don't wish for any more weeks here, I just want the peace that only non existence can bring.

 

[Linty Leans]

What makes you think you don't deserve a party?

I guess, without boring you w my past, i don't feel i've been a positive presence that's warrants a celebration for continuing to exist.

It seems like you are keeping your sadness to yourself, you don't have to admit that you want to ctb but you should try and open upto those close to you about your mental state. It's hard to keep up a happy persona when we feel the opposite, perhaps your friends will find some other small way to celebrate, I think it would be nice last memory to have if you do end up ctbing in the end.

i don't wanna put that on anyone. i honestly shouldn't get so close to people knowing how my mental state would just be a hindrance to both them and myself, but i can't seem to fight my base animal instinct to not be lonely just yet.

Hello, my week has been quite good, I have been lazy a lot and slept a lot, I have also entertained myself a lot
If you have someone you trust among your friends, why don't you tell them what happens to you and think? It certainly won't fix the problem, but it's a very good start, talking about these things is important, a lot comes up in the conversation
greetings

i guess part of me is also too afraid to open up, but i honestly feel so toxic. i get close to people bc in my heart i desire for people to know and care about me, but i'm too much of a coward and that i hate myself too much to open up. So i get close enough for people to care for me, but the second people start showing me some care i can't help but keep them at arm's length. it's an endless cycle that i know i'm not strong enough to break out of. i'm a prisoner of my own mind, fears, and tendencies, and i hate it. i should never try to get so close with people when i know that i'm just gonna be fishing for compliments and trying to manipulate them into caring about me. i think some subliminal part of me enjoys when people are worried so i drop hints with a dark joke here or a period of isolation there, and i just make people worry even though i know i won't let them help me. sorry, this one got a bit rambley, i kinda ended up just pouring out feelings that i have no place else to dump.

Mine is I'm a few weeks and I hope I'm gone

here's to a couple sad birthday people

 

[Linty Leans]

Well, tonight's the night. Here's to another year of failed expectations, disappointing the people i love most, always keeping people who care at arms length, and never being able to find satisfaction with by myself.

i think i'm going to treat myself by spending the day alone in my bed, entirely unproductive and barely with enough energy to respond to texts so that i can act like i'm not a problem.

 

[LaVieEnRose]

Well, tonight's the night. Here's to another year of failed expectations, disappointing the people i love most, always keeping people who care at arms length, and never being able to find satisfaction with by myself.

i think i'm going to treat myself by spending the day alone in my bed, entirely unproductive and barely with enough energy to respond to texts so that i can act like i'm not a problem.

Well happy birthday regardless.