Venting Bi polar and the upswing

[seasons4changing]

I have bi polar 1 and right now sitting on the upswing that life is great. Might feel cute and actually go out and do something with my life. It makes me feel insane. I hate this so much. My medication makes it worse. What's real? Nothing is for me. This is fake happiness but my brain is telling me otherwise. Fml the crash is inevitable. My SN arrived yesterday not sure if I'll ride out the holidays for the kids yet but I'm pretty much done. My bi polar high won't let me ctb but I might during the crash.

 

[futurebuscatcher]

I felt this. It feels like you're never happy. Or that life is dangling what you could feel over your head and then taking it away.

It's so cruel to think you are capable of feeling happy but never truly can.

 

[ShatteredSerenity]

I just had my first bipolar 1 manic episode earlier this year, and it felt incredible, especially after a severely depressed episode. But it was all an illusion, and everything came crashing down into even worse depression. The depressed phase is horrible, but the high phase was an ever worse nightmare, a whirlwind of destruction and I'm terrified of it returning.

I wish I could find some stable middle ground between these extreme highs and lows, some way of getting off this rollercoster to hell. I don't want to ctb, I'm trying to hang on but I can only take so much and I feel defeated.