Venting bf pushed me to my limit

[sillyprincessmeow]

short thread this time maybe, but basically here comes another attempt. im planning to try and hang myself (woah shocker) but im gonna try mkae sure this works becasue i cant take it anymoroe he mkaes me feel so unhappy and ugly and all that whatever u guys have heard it all before. anyway im too ugly to live. blah blah blha im killingmyself whatecer no one even cared anyway. living isnt for me adn thatss my conclsuion, sp sad my life seems to ne so short. i have to wait a little b4 my attempt so i may or may not calm down so one of two things will happen, i get too tired and just cut myself (i hit my self in the head a lot and imfeelijng a little sleepyyy and my bedtime [i have a bedtime bc i like order] was like 10) or i actua;ly hang myself
i hope i suucesed becasue i am unloved and unwanted and just a mentallt ill waste of spacwe
praying i die

 

[dumpstermagic]

good luck dude. id try kicking him in the nuts and dipping first but whatever you decide i hope u figure it out

 

[Octavia]

I know that you are hurting and it is quite unfair that you are in such a situation, but I would advise against rash decisions based on someone else's treatment of you. A lot of abusive partners often belittle their "SO" in order to maintain a certain level of influence over them.

Have you considered the idea of looking into therapy? Abusive relationships with a lot of gaslighting and belittling can really mess someone up.

 

[FuneralCry]

It certainly is so horrible how people can be so incredibly cruel and insensitive, making the lives of others much worse. I hope that you find what you wish for, as it must be so awful and tiring feeling trapped in that situation.

 

[CandyK__]

You should find your own value. You might think that you're nothing and it's a miracle that anyone wants to be with you, when it is not true. We are our own worst critic, we notice every single mistake. It is like performing in a band, after any concert you will say you were horrible because you knew what you wanted to do, but to everyone else will take what you gave them for what you wanted, and they will like it. You are you, not a beauty standard, and besides looks are not everything. People who judge others based on looks, are in the long run not worth spending time with. Sometimes it's better to be alone, than to hang onto a toxic pattern who will eventually harm you way more than momentary loneliness. There is someone for anyone, but you won't find them if you won't look.

This is what i think, but you do you.

 

[Sulyya]

I remember your posts. We can't ever know what you feel and what happens to you but I think you have worth and are a good person through all the pain and what it does to you. I agree with Octavia.

 

[Worndown]

I hope the day ends well for you.

 

[incorporationated]

I also agree with Octavia for this one. Please try calming down first, and if this isn't rude, may I ask if you've exhausted all other options to get out of your relationship? I'd advise cutting him out and see how that goes before deciding to CTB. If life is still not for you even with him out of it and you're really sure about it, then I wish you a peaceful exit. But please consider looking into other options and trying them out before deciding on this. This is just my suggestion, but feel free to do whatever you want. I hope you're happy with whatever you decide.

 

[nozomu]

I also agree with Octavia for this one. Please try calming down first, and if this isn't rude, may I ask if you've exhausted all other options to get out of your relationship? I'd advise cutting him out and see how that goes before deciding to CTB. If life is still not for you even with him out of it and you're really sure about it, then I wish you a peaceful exit. But please consider looking into other options and trying them out before deciding on this. This is just my suggestion, but feel free to do whatever you want. I hope you're happy with whatever you decide.

Seconding this

 

[sillyprincessmeow]

I know that you are hurting and it is quite unfair that you are in such a situation, but I would advise against rash decisions based on someone else's treatment of you. A lot of abusive partners often belittle their "SO" in order to maintain a certain level of influence over them.

Have you considered the idea of looking into therapy? Abusive relationships with a lot of gaslighting and belittling can really mess someone up.

im just going to use your response to my thread to let ppl know how last night played out i hope thats okay, i just dont feel like making a whole new thread and all that, idk how or if i can even edit my orginal one but anyhow, i went to therapy for a few months last year but i stopped getting treatment bc of i dont even know. it didnt help with anything because i couldnt tell her anything because i would most likely be baker acted and as much as i loved her i just didnt enjoy talking abt my issues. it felt more tiring than helpful. hes the only person who can make it better, i dont know. anyway obviosuly i didnt die bc im here, he ended up calling me i think and i was up until like 3;40 talking to him, he exhausted me so much that all i did was hurt myself. i guess being on call with him or anyone prevents me from commiting whatevre. i dont know, i slept all day today, i woke up like 7 hrs ago and i couldnt even really find the will to move

You should find your own value. You might think that you're nothing and it's a miracle that anyone wants to be with you, when it is not true. We are our own worst critic, we notice every single mistake. It is like performing in a band, after any concert you will say you were horrible because you knew what you wanted to do, but to everyone else will take what you gave them for what you wanted, and they will like it. You are you, not a beauty standard, and besides looks are not everything. People who judge others based on looks, are in the long run not worth spending time with. Sometimes it's better to be alone, than to hang onto a toxic pattern who will eventually harm you way more than momentary loneliness. There is someone for anyone, but you won't find them if you won't look.

This is what i think, but you do you.

thank you, what ive realized when i look at nsfw pics i take, i generally find myself attractive, i just dont think that im enough for my bf or really anyone. im confused on how i feel bc half the time i like myself and then the other half of the time i dont. i dont know how i feel abt myself or anything anymore. thank you for telling me your thoughts

I also agree with Octavia for this one. Please try calming down first, and if this isn't rude, may I ask if you've exhausted all other options to get out of your relationship? I'd advise cutting him out and see how that goes before deciding to CTB. If life is still not for you even with him out of it and you're really sure about it, then I wish you a peaceful exit. But please consider looking into other options and trying them out before deciding on this. This is just my suggestion, but feel free to do whatever you want. I hope you're happy with whatever you decide.

im alive as of right now, if you look at what i said to octavia you can find out what generally happened. i have tried leaving but i cant do it permnantly bc i get so scared. i truly love him and today he was being good so i dont know. i dont want him to go at all. with or without him ill be miserable, my thought process is "if im gonna be sad either way, may as well not be 'alone' no matter how much i feel i am"
i dont know, but thank you

 

[Octavia]

im just going to use your response to my thread to let ppl know how last night played out i hope thats okay, i just dont feel like making a whole new thread and all that, idk how or if i can even edit my orginal one but anyhow, i went to therapy for a few months last year but i stopped getting treatment bc of i dont even know. it didnt help with anything because i couldnt tell her anything because i would most likely be baker acted and as much as i loved her i just didnt enjoy talking abt my issues. it felt more tiring than helpful. hes the only person who can make it better, i dont know. anyway obviosuly i didnt die bc im here, he ended up calling me i think and i was up until like 3;40 talking to him, he exhausted me so much that all i did was hurt myself. i guess being on call with him or anyone prevents me from commiting whatevre. i dont know, i slept all day today, i woke up like 7 hrs ago and i couldnt even really find the will to move

thank you, what ive realized when i look at nsfw pics i take, i generally find myself attractive, i just dont think that im enough for my bf or really anyone. im confused on how i feel bc half the time i like myself and then the other half of the time i dont. i dont know how i feel abt myself or anything anymore. thank you for telling me your thoughts

im alive as of right now, if you look at what i said to octavia you can find out what generally happened. i have tried leaving but i cant do it permnantly bc i get so scared. i truly love him and today he was being good so i dont know. i dont want him to go at all. with or without him ill be miserable, my thought process is "if im gonna be sad either way, may as well not be 'alone' no matter how much i feel i am"
i dont know, but thank you

I understand, and yes, this kind of abuse and belittling would often leave you feeling like you could not live without him. This would leave you even more open to further abuse, how you feel should not be entirely depending on however his mood is swinging on a particular day.

Please try to be honest with your therapist if you can, and walk out of the relationship, at least for the time being if you have the strength. I know that it sounds impossible, but I feel like if you are close to death, then you would not have much to lose. Even if he tries to apologise and get back together immediately after the break up, do not get back with him until that you feel that you have had enough time to think about things without his influence on your life. I do not typically link articles here, but I sincerely believe that this one is relevant to your case. You are not the only one in this kind of situation, and you are not the problem. Your partner's psychological and emotional manipulation is, even if you cannot see it at the moment.
Article link: https://www.helpguide.org/articles/abuse/getting-out-of-an-abusive-relationship.htm

It's okay to be scared, abusive relationships are scary things to be in. Leaving would also sound absolutely terrifying, but I think that it is something that is worth trying to do. Even if you end up dying, then you would die free, without being emotionally shackled to a horrible person.

You are very close to death, I think that giving therapy another chance would be a good idea. Try to be honest about how you truly feel (just don't tell them the exact time you are planning to die unless you want to get canned), and whatever you do, do not minimise the ways in which your partner is hurting you or find excuses for him. There would be a lot of things you feel are your fault but that actually aren't. Having a second opinion, even from close friends (who are not on friendlier terms with him than you, obviously), might reveal a lot of things that are actually not your fault. I used to believe that my birth parents blaming their fights on my bad grades was justified, but after getting second opinions it turns out that most people thought that to be a terrible thing to do to a child. A different perspective can be helpful in revealing things that you have not considered before.

I wish you the best of luck, however you decide to proceed.