Venting Better to be emotionally unstable or numb and empty?

[qhifwu4h5o]

I still cannot decide which is worse. I've dealt with horrible depression, anxiety and mood swings for the longest time. Never really knew how to properly socialize with people and had no desire to be around other people, yet feeling lonely and spiraling when left alone for too long. I'd swing between anger, depression, and apprehension, eventually developed a hatred for most of those around me. I spent all of my time alone, constantly being depressed as a result of rejection and the inability to fit in. I'd always want to CTB just to end that misery.
My doctor put me on Zoloft last year. The pills got rid of any of my sadness and somewhat dulled down the anxiety. However, they just made me feel completely empty and numb. I do not have the motivation to get anything done or talk to anybody, I still could not experience any kind of pleasure, and I just feel completely detached from the world around me. I always struggled with feeling love and empathy but the pills just made it so much harder to experience. It feels like life has no meaning and I feel blank and neutral all the time. I'm not suicidal in the sense that I'm sad but now it's more of a "let's get it over with" mindset.

 

[jefferson]

I think being numb is worse for me. I want to at least feel my pain. Not much better than dead otherwise.

 

[hopeifindmyself]

I swing between these states, numb, afloat, emotional flooding, depression but rarely anxiety now. I guess numbness has been my default state, due to freeze reaction. I used to wonder what was worse, I felt emotional flooding was worse because it made the body uncontrollably shaky, feeling of losing control & being on edge, and it could lead to botched attempts even if there is no intend but your body and mental state is very much on edge. I fear that now. I haven't faced that for long. It's been years but also I have numbness. I agrée numbness is more scary if I see overall as it leads you into a passive state, not even fighting for a way out, unable to feel fear or tap into pain. It makes you rationally scared of yourself, as you slowly discover there is no rock bottom. I think being able to feel my pain even if slowly, reflecting as reduced the intensity of emotional flooding, as I am no longer on edge anymore.